Stolen
by MeredithGreyPotter1
Summary: An entirely AU MERDER fic. Takes place at Dartmouth Collge during Meredith's first year. She and Derek meet and they steal each others hearts but they both have secrets. Can they survive?
1. Chapter 1

_**Disclaimer: My name is not Shonda Rhimes. Shonda Rhimes owns Grey's Anatomy. But my name isn't Shonda Rhimes! So I can't own it.**_

_**Not that I like this arrangement.**_

_**AN: Just something I'm fooling around with. My other fic is my main priority but I've been wanting to do this for awhile. There will be an AN at the end explaining things.**_

**Soundtrack for the entire fic: Stolen – Dashboard Confessional**

Meredith Grey drove through the tall gates of the college parking lot. Dartmouth College. The first stepping stone for her future. She parked her car and opened the door, stepping out and looking around taking in her new surroundings. She felt her stomach flip slightly as she looked at the many buildings. She shut her door and went to open her trunk, taking out a box that held a few last minute things she had forgotten to pack when she had moved into her dorm last week. After checking in with the main office she went to her new room and was surprised to find someone in there already. She knocked lightly on the door and a dark haired Asian girl turned around.

"Hi, I'm Mere-"

"Yeah, yeah, whatever, Cristina Yang." The girl cut her off. Cristina let out a frustrated sigh.

"Listen, I asked for a private dorm but they wouldn't give it to me, so now I have to lay down some rules. Number one, I don't do the whole touchy, feely thing. So if you need a hug go get it somewhere else. Number two, don't interrupt me, especially when I'm studying, when I'm partying, and when I'm doing stuff that's none of your business. Number three… don't talk to me. I'm not your friend, this wasn't even my choice school, and now I'm stuck in a dorm with a nameless dumb blonde who's going to quit as soon as she realizes that Daddy took away her gold card."

Meredith's jaw dropped slightly and she bristled. She threw her box onto her bed and dropped her bag onto her floor. She cleared her throat and Cristina looked at her.

"Didn't I say no talking?" She said.

"Meredith Grey. I have ground rules too. And I'm not here to be your friend. I just thought it would be nice-"

"Oh, I don't do nice."

"I thought it would be… informative if we knew each others names. I don't need friends, I don't need a hug, I don't need anyone, and I definitely don't need my father. Or my mother. Or any gold card."

She said before turning around and unpacking her box. She took out some CDs, a small bottle of Tequila and some other possessions including her mother's copy of _Gray's Anatomy_.

"_Not like she'll need it anytime soon."_ She thought grimly to herself. She frowned slightly putting it on her bed. The last thing she took out was a picture of her, her mother and her father. She picked it up and stared at it, looking carefully at each of the people in the picture. They had no idea what was going to happen. Maybe her mother knew a little… but she and her father had no idea what would happen. She threw it back in the box before closing it and putting it under her bed. She felt a pair of eyes on the back of her head and she whipped around to find Cristina looking at her. She frowned slightly as she noticed her expression – she clearly wanted to ask her something but she was afraid of breaking her rules.

"What?" She asked sharply.

"Gray's Anatomy." Cristina answered simply motioning towards the book. Meredith glanced at it before looking back at Cristina.

"My mother's."

"You're into medicine?"

She nodded.

"Surgery."

Cristina's face lit up with interest which she quickly struggled to conceal.

"Oh. Me too. My step-father is an oral surgeon." She said.

"Oh… that's interesting. My mother's a general surgeon. But she kind of just does whatever she feels like."

"Who's your mother?" Cristina asked. Here Meredith froze.

"She's um… uh… just you know… a no name surgeon. Just…yeah."

Cristina raised her eyebrows, indicating that she didn't believe her but she let the subject drop. After a few moments in silence Meredith spoke.

"So you don't talk huh?" She said laughing a little.

Cristina glared at her but a small smile appeared and she shook her head.

"Whatever." She continued unpacking.

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It was one week later. They'd had all of their classes for the first time already and they hated the work with a passion. They got barely any sleep and coffee was their life saver. One night while they were reading an article on the internet for one of their classes there was a loud slamming at their door.

"Cristina could you get that." Meredith murmured not taking her eyes away from the screen. Cristina wordlessly complied and she opened the door.

"Woohoo! Partay!" She shouted. Meredith looked up at her and saw that she was holding a flyer that had been taped to their door. She got up and went over, laughing.

"And what makes you think we have time for one of those?" She asked amused as she took the flyer.

"We don't. But we're going." Cristina said firmly.

"We can't." Meredith sighed wistfully. This was a college party. She'd heard about them in high school. She'd been looking forward to one all summer. The problem was when she got to college she realized how little time she would have for this type of thing. The time she had being none.

"Meredith, we're going. Look." She snatched the flyer from her again and read from it.

"Freshmen, Sophmore, Junior and Senior years invited. Clothes not necessary," Meredith laughed as Cristina continued. "Private rooms available and all the vodka, tequila and jello shots you could want." She finished reading what she found to be the most important parts.

Meredith bit her lip and thought hard.

"It's tonight?" She asked and Cristina nodded. She thought for another moment before sighing.

"Alright." She consented and Cristina let out a cheer.

"_We watch the season pull up its own stakes, and catch the last weekend of the last week"_

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_**AN: Short first chapter. Basically just getting to know them. As you can tell this is definitely an AU story. And I'm kind of excited because I've never done one of these before. So it's something new for me. **_

**_Alright. This is a Meredith and Derek story. So lots of MerDer will be involved. And there might even be some sex. Lots of sex. Cause it's them lol. So this story is starting out T but it MIGHT be bumped to M. Just so you know._**

_**Cristina said this wasn't her choice school. I threw that in there because she went to Stanford. So in this story Stanford was her first choice, but she went to Dartmouth instead. You can make up your own reason as to why she didn't go. **_

**_When Derek appears in the story he's going to be a junior or a senior. It's the largest age difference I can give to them right now. Unless we wanted to make Derek her teacher, but that wouldn't work because then it's bye-bye neurosurgeon. And Derek has a secret. You'll find out soon enough what it is. Oh yeah, and Cristina and Meredith. Cristina is being Cristina at first. But they're Cristina and Meredith, each others person. So of course they would start to tolerate each other in a week._**

**_On another note. Angst, fluff, drama etc. This fic will probably have it all. So be open minded when it comes to that stuff. If I could give it all these categories then I would. _**

_**Last thing.**_

_**Thanks for reading! Please review. :) **_

**_-Meredith _**


	2. Chapter 2

_**Disclaimer: If I were Shonda I would… lets face it I could do anything I wanted to. But I can't. So… all together now… I am not Shonda Rhimes. I do not own Grey's Anatomy. But I should.**_

_**Woops, you didn't hear that part. LOL.**_

**_AN: So thank you so much to all of the LOVELY reviews! I've mentioned that they're very important since this is my first AU. So really, they mean a lot. And special thanks goes to TeamMeredith007 for giving me the suggestion of "what to do" with Derek lol. So now the age difference will be slightly larger. You'll see how this is handled. Ah, and thanks to Mincepie for listening to my rambling hehe. On with the story!_**

Meredith didn't do parties.

That was a lie. Meredith had done many parties and many things at parties. She had discovered her love of Tequila one party three summers ago when she was still in high school. Ever since then it had been a blissful love affair between herself and a bottle and then came the boys. Many, many boys. When school had ended last summer she had made a promise to herself that she would try to cut down on the three of them, at least for awhile. Try was the keyword.

One week into college and she was getting ready to go to a party with her new roommate. A party where there would be Tequila, vodka and jello shots. And boys. Hot, senior boys. There was no way she could go to class in the morning.

She finished applying her eyeliner in the mirror and turned around to see Cristina going back and forth between several shirts. She turned around and held two up next to the shirt she was already wearing.

"Uh… they're both really nice." Meredith supplied.

Cristina gave her a look. "I know they are. I bought them. But which one is right." She turned back to the mirror.

"Who cares you're gonna look hot in either one of them."

Cristina took off the shirt she was wearing and sighed.

"This party is such a mistake."

Meredith sat on the desk.

"Cristina, you're the one that convinced me to go."

She sighed and picked up another shirt before throwing it on.

"There. I'm done. I'm hot."

She turned around and appraised Meredith's outfit.

"So are you."

Meredith laughed and hopped off the desk grabbing her coat.

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They arrive to the party and when the door is opened for them Meredith stops and stares at her surroundings in awe. This was better than the first time that she had come to Dartmouth, this… this was what she had spent the last three years of her life doing, but it was so much more. The blaring music, the raucous students drinking non-stop and dancing to the beat of an infectious song. A grin slowly moved across her face. She was home. Studying could definitely wait. It was only one party right?

Someone collided with her shoulder and muttered an apology before wandering off to join his group of friends. She looked at Cristina who had a glint in her eye and they both tossed their coats onto the pile where they were being kept and before joining the crowd Meredith snatched a bottle of Tequila before they disappeared into the group. She took a long swig from the bottle and she stopped dancing for a moment to savor it. She hadn't touched Tequila for more than a week and she'd forgotten how good it tasted to her, cascading down her throat. She swallowed and enjoyed the heat that spread through her, warming every part of her body.

"Meredith! Over here!"

She heard someone screaming her name from a distance and she looked around confused before she saw Cristina on the other side of the room… on a table. Meredith forced her way over to her with some difficulty and when she finally got closer, Cristina threw her hands up in the air in delight.

"Baby you made it!" She screamed.

"I made it!" Meredith yelled back as she got up on the table as well. Cristina had clearly been enjoying her liquor in that short amount of time that they had been there. Her balance was off and she had an insanely gleeful smile on her face. Not that Meredith was that far off. The wild chorus started up and both of them started to dance, switching the Tequila bottle back and forth occasionally. Somehow someone else had jumped up on the table and started dancing with them. A guy and Meredith thought he might have been from her psychology class, but for the life of her she couldn't remember his name through the drunken haze that was her mind. The song ended soon, much to everyone's disappointment and they stumbled off the table and that was when she saw him.

Derek Shepherd. The TA for her biology class. He went to Dartmouth's medical school that was across campus from her. They got along well the few times that they had had to work together, which hadn't been very often. She'd always found him to be ok in terms of looks, but right now he was amazing. In a casual red shirt with the sleeves rolled up, jeans and a glass in one hand, he definitely looked… what was Cristina's nickname for him? McSteamy? McCreamy? McSomething, whatever it was it was true. She thought about going over to him but pondered about whether or not she should. In the end her porny, drunken mind won over her more reasonable one and she made her way over to him, depositing the bottle into someone else's hands. As she got closer his gaze shifted from the crowd to her and his expression changed from dull to alert.

"Hey." She said loudly.

"Hi. Meredith right?" He asked.

"Yeah. How are you? What are you doing here?"

He shrugged. "Don't know really. I just… kind of had a feeling that I needed to be here tonight. Plus I wasn't invited, that felt good."

She laughed a little.

"So you're crashing?"

He chuckled. "Yeah, I guess you could say that. Do you mind?" He asked, looking her in the eyes.

For a moment it was as if time stood still as his eyes seemed to burn into hers. The gaze was intense and it made her go weak in the knees. She swallowed.

"Definitely not." She told him looking back.

She wasn't sure whether it was her mind telling her this or if it was actually happening, but she swore that she saw his eyes darken with desire. They raked over her body taking in ever bit of her before returning to her eyes, this time with definite hunger in them. He placed his glass on a table, abandoning it and he stepped closer to her, so close she could feel the heat radiating from his body. Her eyes flickered briefly to his mouth before looking up again and she felt her mouth go dry before placing a hand on his chest. This was bad, very, very bad. He was the TA. He went to med school and she was sure there were other reasons as to why this was bad. But she couldn't remember anything as he placed his hand on her hip and pulling her even closer. She could feel his arousal and the next thing she knew, his lips were on hers.

He tasted like… something different, something she didn't have a taste for. Before now at least. Scotch, it was definitely scotch, and something else that must have been uniquely him. She moaned as his tongue brushed against her lips, begging for entrance and she willingly complied. He kissed her with a strength she didn't think she had ever felt before and his hand shifted from her hip to her lower back as he brought her closer, his other hand moving to her hair. He gave a gentle tug once he had woven his hand in with her strands and she moaned as his mouth trailed down her neck slowly, stopping at her collar bone to taste her skin.

She tasted sweet as he licked at her skin and he caught a drop of alcohol that must have fallen down from her drink before. He had seen her dancing on the table with her friend and he swore in that moment he had never seen anything as sexy or as beautiful as she was. When that O'Malley kid had gotten up on the table with them he felt a twinge of jealousy as she watched him dance with her.

He nipped gently at her skin before moving his mouth lower and lower. He lifted his head to look at her and he felt himself grow painfully harder. Her lips were swollen from the kiss they had shared and her eyes were glossy. She was breathless from the moans and gasps he had elicited from her hair was wild from his repeated tugs. He was sure he looked similar, in fact he was certain. She kissed him quickly, pressing herself even closer. That was his undoing as he grabbed her tightly by the waist and steered her towards the doorway, grabbing her coat along the way.

"_Before the gold and the glimmer have been replaced,  
Another sun soaked season fades away."_

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_**AN: There you go! Another update. :D I'll try to update as often as I can, I promise. Keyword try. Haha.**_

**_So as you may or may not have guessed, Derek is a TA for Meredith's biology class. He goes to Dartmouth's med school. I looked it up on the net last night and I THINK I interpreted everything right. If not, it's an AU. Just enjoy LOL. Meredith had been in that class more than once that week and she'd had the chance to work with him a few times. So that explains how she knew him before this. _**

_**You can probably tell that the party scene is based on the one from Shake Your Groove Thing, in my opinion one of the best party scenes. It was just so perfect, especially with the camera work. That's how I saw this party happening. Slow motion in the beginning, hear the music, see the people etc. The song that's playing when they're dancing on the table is the one that actually was playing when they were dancing on the table. Unfortunately I can't find what it's called. And when the song is over it switches to B. C. Camplight's "Blood and Peanut Butter." You may recognize it from S2E6 :D**_

**_Pointless rambling. Just in case you guys were wondering about the stuff lol. Now there are two ways I could do this. I could write the actual scene sex scene and bump this story to M right away, OR I could just have them wake up the morning after. Decisions, decisions lol. But it's up to you guys! Just let me know, majority wins. Thanks!_**

_**I'm finally done talking lol. Thanks for reading, please review:)**_

_**-Meredith**_


	3. Chapter 3

_**Disclaimer: So I kind of have a headache. If I were Shonda Rhimes my headache would be caused from thinking up brilliant episodes and a probably brilliant spin-off of my already brilliant show. Mine is just from hunger waiting for the food delivery. Also if I were Shonda I wouldn't have to wait for my food. See where I'm going with this?**_

**_AN: Ok. So it's about a day later and the review number so far has been about even. And the responses about whether to bump it to M or to keep it at T has been about even. You guys know how to make this easy lol. So what's going to happen is this. The sex scene is going to be "roped off." You'll see how I do this. So whoever wants to read can go ahead and read. Whoever doesn't want to can just skip right by and go on. Trust me, NOTHING contained in that portion is crucial to the story! You won't miss anything at all if you skip over, so don't feel obliged to read it if you don't want to! I hope this works out for you guys! _**

_**Forward!**_

They stumbled out the front door, stealing heated kisses on their way to… wherever. Neither one of them really knew where they were going, they just knew that they needed to get somewhere to finish this and fast. Derek stopped as soon as they got outside and Meredith opened her mouth but before she could ask her question he had pressed her up against the side of the building, forcing his jean clad erection against her and lowering his mouth to her cheek, kissing it and making a trail to behind her ear. One of Meredith's hands squeezed his shoulder as her eyes closed and she tilted her head, exposing more of her skin to him.

"Mmm… Derek." She moaned softly.

"We should find… oh God, we should um…" she searched through her hazy mind for someplace, any place where they could go. She bit her lip to hold back a cry as he began slowly thrusting his hips into hers.

"_Wrong! Wrong, this is wrong! We shouldn't be doing this!" _Both of them thought subconsciously to themselves, but they couldn't stop themselves.

"Derek, we need to… somewhere else." She whispered.

He pulled away breathing heavily, realizing she was right. He looked around trying to think.

"Come on. We'll go to my place." He told her and he took her hand and dragged her to his car. It was a miracle they didn't crash since Meredith, being as drunk as she was, had begun to slide her hand up and down his thigh, slipping it over the front of his pants. She glanced at his face at one point and laughed lightly before pressing a soft kiss to his jaw. His teeth were gritted and his eyes had a desperate wild look in them that told her he was trying to control himself.

They got to his building and he threw his car door open and raced around to the other side and yanked her door open, pulling her out, pressing her tightly against him as he slammed the door closed. She laughed and jumped up wrapping her legs around his waist as he managed to walk them through the door and in that moment he had never been more grateful that he lived on the first floor. They reached his door and he fumbled quickly with his back pocket for his keys and he forced it into the door turning it quickly. It gave way behind Meredith and they fell through the doorway laughing.

He set her on the floor and she smiled devilishly up at him and took his hand taking him down the short hallway. They passed a door and she stopped looking at him with question and he shook his head.

"Mark's." He told her forgetting that she didn't know who he was. She turned towards the other door and opened it, pulling him in behind her. He kicked the door closed with his foot and he moved forward picking her up and taking her to the bed, dropping her unceremoniously on it. She kicked off her shoes and he pulled his off anxiously before he got onto the bed and crawled over to her, stretching to cover her body.

He stared into her eyes breathing heavily for a moment. Her face was so beautiful. One of his hands reached out to stroke her cheek and a soft smile came on her face. He smiled back before lowering his mouth to hers once again and kissing her gently. It didn't last for long though as their passion soon returned and Derek's hand flew to Meredith's pant button and her hand to his belt, quickly pulling at his fly and shoving his jeans past his hips as she raised her own so he could pull hers off. She sat up slightly with her legs open and he moved between them pulling her close to him. She grinned at him before tugging her shirt off and when she tossed it on the floor she pulled his up over his head before pressing her chest against his and kissing him deeply. He moaned and if he were asked about this moment many years from now, he would swear that it had taken all of his control not to push inside of her right then and there, not caring if anyone else heard her screaming as he took her.

She began to slowly circle and push herself against him and he swallowed hard.

"Condom." He breathed out. "We definitely need a condom."

She stopped for a minute and bit her lip trying to think.

"Ok… do you have one?" She asked.

He groaned as he untangled himself from her.

"God I hope so." He said as he rolled away from her and began rummaging through is bedside table. Panic filled him when he couldn't find the box that he kept there. He slammed the door shut and leapt off the bed. Meredith frowned.

"What's wrong?" She asked.

He opened his closet and started to toss things out. He thought he might quite literally burst if he didn't find them soon.

"I can't find them." He said, his voice muffled by the pile it was currently buried in.

"Can't find what? Oh!" Meredith exclaimed and she too began to grow anxious as he stayed in his closet, for a long time. He slammed the door shut and turned back towards her, breathing heavily as he looked around. Suddenly his face lit up and he raced out of the room.

"Derek?' She called as she got up and followed him. She had gone into the other room across the hall from his and she found him searching through one of the drawers in there. Finally he let out a triumphant yell as he ripped open a box and grabbed a fistful of brightly covered packages. He strode across the room and the next thing she knew her legs had fallen from beneath her as he cradled her in his arms taking her quickly back to his room, laughing all the while.

He tossed the condoms into his drawer and reached for one and ripped the packet open, discarding the label to the floor. She picked it up and read it, smirking after she finished.

"Seriously? Glow in the dark ones?" She giggled. He got on the bed and pushed her down.

"Shut up." He growled, but his voice was laced with laughter. They'd met only this past week, they knew nothing about each other except for their name, age and where they went to school and already they had gotten drunk at a party, gone home together and started teasing each other about their preferences in the bedroom as if they'd known each other forever. It was odd to say the least but he placed a hand in between her thighs and began caressing her inner leg, moving it higher and higher in slow circles.

Rated M :: Rated M :: Rated M :: Rated M :: Rated M :: Rated M :: Rated M :: Rated M :: Rated M :: Rated M :: Rated M :: Rated M :: Rated M :: Rated M :: Rated M :: Rated M ::

Her breath quickened and he stopped just at her entrance and he took a moment before slowly slipping a finger into her. He bit back a groan as he felt how wet she was and he began to move it slowly in and out, small moans and sounds escaping her throat. She shut her eyes and every now and then she would mouth a few nonsense words as she struggled to hold onto this moment for as long as she could.

He swallowed as he pushed another finger inside of her and began to increase his speed. She began to raise her hips up and down, keeping time with his movements perfectly as he moved his fingers faster and faster. Her breath came in short, sharp gasps now accompanied by his name and when he placed a soft kiss on her stomach she stiffened and cried his name as her orgasm over came her. She slowly caught her breath and opened her eyes to look at him. She sat up slowly and pushed him on his back and she straddled him. She leaned down to kiss him and his hands tangled themselves in her hair before she raised her hips slightly and slowly slid onto his awaiting penis. His grip on her hair tightened as he fought to maintain what little control he had over his body at this point. She felt so good around him and he felt amazing inside of her. Still not breaking the kiss she started to rock back and forth on him, alternating with raising her hips up and down. He groaned against her mouth and one of his hands released from her hair and traveled to her hip, placing itself there and starting to move her back and forth at a quicker pace.

The ache that she had been feeling since they had first kissed that night grew, and she whimpered as she began to quicken her pace at his demand, almost desperately and she gripped the sheets on either side of her. He broke the kiss and pulled her head back. He pushed the strands of sweaty hair off her face and he brought her lips back down to his once more. He was so close, so painfully close to release but he had to hold on. Finally he felt her tighten around him and she ripped her lips from his as she threw her head back, screaming his name. After a few more rocks from her he exploded, muttering her name multiple times. She collapsed on top of him and he wrapped his arms around her, holding her close as she rested her head on his chest. He kissed the top of her head, still breathless and his eyes began to droop wearily, stroking her back. She was already asleep from sheer exhaustion at their… activities. He finally drifted off to sleep and the last thing he remembered a vague thought of how perfect she felt in his arms.

Rated M :: Rated M :: Rated M :: Rated M :: Rated M :: Rated M :: Rated M :: Rated M :: Rated M :: Rated M :: Rated M :: Rated M :: Rated M :: Rated M :: Rated M :: Rated M ::

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Meredith awoke the next morning to the sudden sound of an alarm clock. Her eyes shot open and she blinked a few times, trying to take in her surroundings. This was definitely not her room. She shot up and immediately let out a cry as she held her head.

"_That wasn't a good idea." _She thought. Why the hell had she drank so much last night? And who the hell had she come home with? Rather whose home had she gone to? She looked around but she couldn't remember anything from the person's belongings. She sighed as she saw the packs of condoms and the empty wrapper on the floor. She got out of the bed and quickly gathered her clothes, throwing them on. She crept out the door and down the hall, looking around for any body and listening for voices. Usually she was the one who brought the boy back to her place so she could feel free to sneak out and to send them on their merry way and she could be certain that she would never have to see them again. This was new territory for her, avoiding the boy in his own home.

Luckily for her though she didn't find one anywhere and she left the building without any trouble.

Now how the hell was she going to get back to her dorm?

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Derek had woken up that morning with a strange girl in his bed, except the strange girl was not so strange. He swore to himself as he realized that she was one of the students in a biology class he assisted in. Grey… something Grey. Meredith. He sighed and rolled over again trying to remember what had happened last night. He clenched his jaw as he remembered how insanely wonderful everything had been. He remembered the heated kiss at the party, the small sounds that she made and the search for condoms. He remembered how absolutely amazing she was in bed.

And then he remembered something else. Something that made him cringe and an intense guilt sweep over his body. This thought made him sick to his stomach and he had to get out of there, hopefully she wouldn't remember anything if she didn't see him. He swung his legs over the side of his bed and tried to reason with himself as he pulled his boxers on followed by his jeans. Even if she didn't see him right away she would see him in class eventually. He reached for the shirt he had worn last night and pulled it over his head before walking quietly to the door. He turned back to look at her and he was surprised when he felt a tug at his chest and a pang of guilt for leaving her there. She was so beautiful, lying in his bed, her hair wild with sleep. He smiled when he remembered how he had held onto her last night, weaving his hands in and out of her hair. He shook his head and a wave of sorrow swept over him as he shut the door.

"_Maybe if things were different…."_

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Meredith had caught up with some classmates and they had given her a ride back to the dorms. She opened her door and found Cristina inside getting ready for class. Cristina whipped around when she heard the door shut.

"Who the hell have you been screwing all night? And it better have been good because we only have ten minutes to get to class." She said before turning around and throwing a few things in her bag.

Meredith avoided the question. "How was your night?" She asked.

Cristina shrugged. "It was good. Don't really remember much about it except for the guy that I kicked out this morning. How was yours?"

"Um… nothing much really. Just drank a lot. Danced. Kind of passed out somewhere." She said. It wasn't a total lie, she had passed out… just with someone else… naked… after having what she could only imagine was incredibly hot sex, judging by the marks on her neck and hips and her sore scalp.

Cristina snorted. "You're lying. You know how I know? 'Cause you're a bad liar. Plus your hair is sex hair. You must have had fun last night." Cristina laughed. "So who's the guy?"

Meredith wracked her memory. "Um… he's very… we didn't really exchange names or… it was-"

"You don't know who he was do you?" Cristina cut her off, grinning evilly.

Meredith groaned as she flopped onto her bed. "This is bad, way, way incredibly bad." She muttered while Cristina collapsed onto her own bed, laughing hysterically.

"I'm glad you find my own confusion so amusing." Meredith snapped at her.

"So-sorry." Cristina choked out, not really meaning it. When she finally got herself under control she sat up and asked her seriously, "Did you use a condom?"

Meredith nodded her head, smiling wryly. "If the pile of condom packs lying on the table and the open, glow in the dark wrapper on the floor are of any significance, than yeah we did." She replied.

Cristina shrugged. "Ok then, no big deal." Meredith looked at her in disbelief. "Cristina! I had sex with a guy last night and I can't even remember him let alone the sex!"

"Well then it can't have been that good. Come on, we're going to be late." She said as she picked up her bag.

Something in Meredith's head told her that Cristina was wrong, that the sex had been so mind blowing it needed a new category, but she got up anyway.

"Alright, gimme a sec and I'll be right out." Cristina left and after Meredith got dressed she met her out in the hall. They rushed to class and sat through an extremely boring but supposedly necessary lecture on bacterial diseases. Unfortunately Meredith was falling asleep and not listening to a word that her teacher was saying.

"Miss. Grey!" He said sharply and she jerked herself awake. His beady little eyes peered at her over the top of his glasses as he gave her a displeased look.

"What was the last thing I said?" He asked her.

Instead of answering Meredith stayed silent. He frowned at her, more than displeased.

"Meet me after class in my office."

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She went to his office after class as told and she sat down in one of the chairs. He looked at her from across his desk.

"Miss. Grey, this is only the second week of classes. Up until now your work has been satisfactory. Taking a morning nap in my class however is less than, especially on an important lecture for a future surgeon. You do want to be a surgeon don't you?" He inquired.

Meredith nodded, not liking where this was going. He sighed and looked at a folder.

"I'm afraid that you're going to have to have a meeting with my assistant. I would fill you in on the lecture myself but I have some other things to do that are more important than this. Mr. Shepherd should have been here by now-"

As he was saying this, the door swung open and a man walked in, dressed casually and out of breath. "Sorry I'm late professor I had-"

He stopped when his eyes landed on Meredith. "I had a… bit of a uh… late night…." He mumbled. Meredith turned around to look at him and gasped.

"Oh god it's…"

The professor looked between them in confusion. "Mr. Shepherd, Miss. Grey, do you know each other?"

Meredith's jaw dropped slightly as she realized who he was and what had happened the night before. The party, the kissing, the car ride, the never ending search for condoms… she fought the heat that had started to pool in her stomach as she remembered everything else and they stared at each other, eyes locked for a few more moments.

"We… we've met a few times…." Derek supplied quietly as he discreetly stepped behind a chair, breathing deeply.

"Alright then, you'll need to meet with her in half hour sessions every day once a day this week if you can manage it. She slept through my lecture this morning and I need you to fill her in on it. Brush up on any other things she may have forgotten." They were instructed.

Meredith got out of her chair.

"Excuse me professor, but I have to go now. I was supposed to be in my anatomy class ten minutes ago." She informed him. He nodded. "I'll call Professor… what is it, Rivera and tell her that I kept you. Have a good day." She thanked him and quickly left the room, brushing past Derek as she did so. He snapped his head in her direction and quickly started after her. "Goodbye professor." He said as he shut the door behind him.

"_Invitation only, grant farewells  
Crash the best one, of the best ones"_

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_**AN: So sorry that I didn't update yesterday. I made the mistake of listening to some new music that really didn't fit with this story so I couldn't really concentrate on it. By the way, thanks to those of you who helped me with the name of that song! I owe you!**_

_**So there you go. You get some porn for those of you who wanted it, and you get a nice lengthy update because I didn't update yesterday. Goody! Lol. **_

_**Meredith and Derek got drunk at a party like people do. They have an intense physical attraction for each other, and they both acted on it even though they technically shouldn't have. And they wake up the next morning and Derek feels incredibly guilty but he also feels a little something for Meredith, and she can't remember who she slept with or how good it was until she sees him. So now they have to work together until she's filled in on the lecture she missed, but will they really work? Or will she persuade Derek that she's going to be fine?**_

_**Derek ran after her because even just a casual brush was enough to drive him wild, even though it really, REALLY shouldn't. There's a reason, a really, really, incredibly big reason that it shouldn't. The same reason that they shouldn't have slept toether.**_

_**You'll find out soon!**_

**_My brain's kind of fried right now, so this author's note is kind of just cobbled together. My brain doesn't work when it's hungry. Any questions just ask in a review and I'll get back to you. Hope you enjoyed!_**

_**Oh yeah, this was my first time actually posting a sex scene. I've written them in pencil and paper etc. but never actually posted. So if you thought it was just awful, that's fine, I'm trying to um… work on them lol. **_

_**Thanks for reading, please review:) **_

_**-Meredith**_


	4. Chapter 4

_**Disclaimer: Shonda can sleep in if she wants. I got up at six AM to take care of some unpleasant things and to write an update before I had to leave for the day. Shonda can write in her sleep, so she has the best of both worlds. **_

_**AN: Woohoo, another update. Yeah, not much to say here except thank you to the wonderful reviews for last chapter! You guys are rockstars, seriously. "Rockstar!" Hehe. On with the story!**_

"Meredith!"

She quickened her pace down the hall. She had no idea why he wanted to talk with her, unless he wasn't familiar with the whole one night stand routine. Why couldn't guys understand that just because you hop into bed with them doesn't mean that there will be white picket fences and kids in their future?

She heard a sudden burst of footsteps behind her and before she could break into a run Derek was gripping her arm and spinning her into his chest. She collided with him and they stared at each other for a moment. After a moment she broke the gaze and started trying to wrench her arm away from him.

"Let me go!" She whispered harshly as she looked around to see if anyone could see them.

"Meredith, we should talk about this." He said while tightening his grip on her. She let out a frustrated sound and she looked up at him. "Talk about what? Last night? Because I didn't even remember who I'd slept with when I woke up this morning. And it's not a big deal. It's a one night stand things happen and-"

He put a hand over her mouth and looked around before pulling her into a supply closet and letting go of her mouth.

"Derek, you're not getting anymore." She told him trying to push past him. He place an arm in front of her and held her back.

"I don't want anymore." He said and she raised an eyebrow.

"Oh you don't?"

Something about the look on her face made her so damn irresistible right now.

"No." He said, clearing his throat.

She felt slightly disappointed. Her vaguer memory of last night was wonderful. It told her that he was wonderful, that it had been the best sex she could remember in she didn't know how long.

"Oh…. Well, good. Because you weren't getting any."

He smirked a little. "So I'm told." He said, his eyes looking at her with a strange intensity and she glared at him. "Stop looking at me like that." She demanded.

"Like what?" He asked, laughter in his voice.

"Like you've seen me naked!" She replied lowering her voice slightly and he laughed. Her attitude was tough when she didn't let her guard down, and he had noticed the distant note of disappointment in her voice when he had said he didn't want her again. He hadn't really been telling the truth when he'd told her that. He did want her again, very badly. Seeing her in the office and the memories from last night were enough for him to want to be with her again and again. He smiled a little and decided to play a game with her and he stepped forward inning her against the door.

"What if I don't want to stop?" He whispered in her ear, his arms on either side of her and before he could stop himself he pressed a soft kiss to her jaw. She gasped both from pleasure and indignance and she tried to shove him away, with to no avail. She then formed fists with her hands and began to beat on his chest. He laughed and this outraged her only further as she continued to flail her hands on his chest.

"Careful there Miss. Grey, you don't want to hurt your hands. You might not be able to… do anything." He murmured as he grasped both her wrists in his hands. She opened her mouth to yell at him when he held her hands to his chest but he leaned down and kissed her softly. She tore her lips from his and tried to pull one of her hands free.

"You are so damn lucky that I can't slap you right now." She growled and he smiled softly. "I know." He whispered. He let her hands go. And she turned to open the door.

"We still haven't talked you know." He told her and she turned around.

"About what? You do know what a one night stand is right?"

"Yes actually. And we should keep it a secret. It's not a big deal, no one has to know."

"I wasn't planning on telling anyone." She frowned.

"And we also need to talk about when we're going to meet-"

"We're not." She interrupted and he looked at her, clearly confused.

"What?"

"We're not. My roommate, Cristina, can fill me in on what I missed. I'm sure she'll share the important parts with me and not the whole snooze fest. Tell the professor that you're doing it if you want. But we're not actually going to talk. After this we never have to talk again." She said simply before opening the door and slipping out quickly.

He stared at the door long after she'd gone feeling hurt and worry wash over him. He sighed and ran his fingers through his hair, starting to pace in the small closet. He slid down to the floor, sitting with his head in his hand.

He'd known her not even a week… less than week and they'd already slept together and he was letting himself get emotionally involved where he had absolutely no place doing so. He felt crushed when she had said they never had to speak again.

Less than a week and he'd already found her laughter infectious. He loved her eyes, how they changed to reflect her feelings, how they clouded over with lust. Her tiny ineffectual fists were amazing, doing just enough damage to leave a slight bruise on his chest and he rubbed the spot where she had attacked. And she tasted… amazing. Her hair… he could lace his fingers in her soft hair and hold her forever… it smelled like some kind of flower or….

His phone rang, snapping him out of his thoughts, thoughts he shouldn't have been thinking in the first place. He answered it.

"Hello? What? Three months? Ok… no, it's fine. Look, we've been over this, everything is fine, I'm fine. Alright. Yeah… bye."

He hung up. That voice belonged to the person that he should want to hear from. But why did he want to hear Meredith's voice. Why did he want to wake up to her every morning, blissfully tired after making love to her all night?

He sighed and got up from the floor, opening the door wearily and leaving the closet.

"_You have stolen my heart."_

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_**AN: So that's a short chapter for now. It's not the best because I got a little bit of writers block towards the end, and they say the best thing to do with that is to just keep writing. So I did and that's the result. There may be another chapter tonight, if not then probably tomorrow. **_

_**This chapter was all about them. No duh. LOL. It was all about the morning after, and the talk and how they feel about each other. And they've known each other for less than a week, they know nothing about each other and yet they've slept together and they're getting these feelings. For normal people this is insanely fast and unheard of but come on. This is Meredith and Derek. Not exactly your typical people. Especially since they don't technically exist LOL. **_

_**I think that's basically it. I guess you could call this chapter filler if you wanted, except for the fact that something important happened… kind of two. And some of you are already probably guessing what Derek's secret is… but it's not as simple as all that.**_

_**Hehehehe, we shall see. Insert evil grin here. LOL.**_

_**Thanks for reading, please review:)**_

_**-Meredith**_


	5. Chapter 5

_**Disclaimer: Shonda Rhimes wouldn't have stayed up late to write either. Because she'd have done brilliant work during the day and she'd get paid for it. In other words so not me lol.**_

_**AN: Another shorter one!**_

Looking for Meredith Grey was extremely frustrating. She was either very good at hiding or he was extremely bad at seeking.

He never did win those games when he was a kid.

Derek had tried searching for her everywhere. By the time he made it to her anatomy class they had already let out and she was lost in a sea of nameless, faceless drones who looked like "bed" was a foreign country, many seas away. By this time it was time for his first class of the day, so he'd abandoned his task for now. His last stop of the day had been the cafeteria and when he found it empty he threw his hands up in defeat.

He retired to the library for the evening and pulled his medical books out of his bag and propped them open to study. He was reading the same line over and over trying to absorb it when he heard a familiar laugh. He sat up in his chair, where he had been slouching in the corner and looked around. He pushed it back before getting up and wandering out from around the secluded corner that was hidden by book shelves and into front entrance of the library where he stopped dead in his tracks.

She was at a table with her friends and another boy, the boy that he had seen her dancing with at the party and she seemed to be finding every word he was saying very amusing, not paying any attention to her books. He had moved close to her and he had his arm draped around her chair and as Derek watched them he felt a surge of jealousy. He wondered how he could play this, if he should go over there and risk arousing suspicion let alone pissing her off or if he should wait until he could catch her alone.

He soon got his answer as she got up to leave the group heading through the maze of dusty books. He crept stealthily behind the stacks that he knew so well until he saw her browsing through a section on the central nervous system. He walked quietly up behind her until he was right behind her. She pulled a book out and opened it. Derek placed his hand over her mouth and she dropped it in surprise and began to kick at him, screaming against his hand. Chuckling he dragged her over to a corner and pressed her against it, letting go of her mouth.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" She asked him incredulously as he towered over her, smirking.

"So we're talking? Because I could swear I remember you telling me-"

"Shut up. We're not talking. This is me being sexually harassed by you."

"What? I'm not harassing you. I'm reading a book." And he reached up and took a book down from the shelf and flipped it open.

"So let me go. Leave me alone!"

"Ah, I'm afraid I can't do that."

"Why not?"

"Because you've been avoiding me and if I let you go now, you'll run. And besides…."

He leaned closer to her.

"I like having you between me and a solid object… this time it's a wall, last time it was a bed. Maybe next time will be the backseat of my car-"

He chuckled as she pushed him away and moved away from the corner.

"Fine. I'll look for my book, and you can talk."

He smiled and she gave him a warning look.

"But it doesn't mean I'll listen."

He shrugged and she continued searching for her book. Derek followed her not saying a word as she looked through numerous text books and medical journals. She frowned every now and then and her nose scrunched up when she saw something that was obviously distasteful. He leaned against the bookshelf and she saw him out of the corner of her eye. She frowned down at the text book.

"_Is it normal for leaning to look so sexy?"_ She wondered to herself.

Sighing, Meredith shut yet another book.

"What are you looking for?" Derek's voice startled her out of her thoughts as she jumped to face him.

"_Again with the leaning!"_

"I'm looking for how the body controls its arousal." She explained as she reached for another book. He walked towards her and scanned the shelf quickly before taking out a book and flipping it open, scanning its contents. Her leafed through the pages before handing it to her. She glanced down before looking at him and nodding.

"Thanks… how'd you-"

"Had to do the same thing once. But I didn't have a handsome, charming TA helping me out." He smiled arrogantly and she shook her head in disgust, moving to walk away.

"He's not your type." He said and she stopped in her tracks, genuinely confused.

"Who?"

He walked towards her again.

"That boy, O'Malley. You were sitting with him and some others at the table. Danced with him at the party. He's not your type. Too soft spoken, his features are too gentle."

She arched an eyebrow.

"Says who?"

"You." He replied simply. "I could tell by the way you were acting. Although you did a very good job with the laughter, that's a nice touch."

She looked at him for a moment. "You're stalk-… you're jealous!" She exclaimed and his eyebrows shot up in surprise.

"I don't get jealous." He denied.

"Ok, so if he's not my type then who is?"

He smiled smugly. "Me."

He walked forward and backed her against the bookcase, taking her book from her and dropping it to the floor with a loud thud.

"You know… I'm going to be a neurosurgeon." He murmured to her, brushing a few stray strands of hair from her face. Her breath caught in her throat as her eyes flashed with anger.

"So I know the nerves very well. Did you know that there are nerves all over the body, running right underneath our skin? All the time, it's true." He said dropping his head down a little.

"So if you can find just the right spot-" He took his thumb and traced lazy circles on the underside of her wrist, sending small tingles through her body. He pressed a soft kiss to the same spot and she shut her eyes, biting her lip. He grinned and moved his mouth to hers, placing a barely there kiss on her lips. Her eyes opened slowly, her knees weak and blue stared into green and green into blue. Their breathing was heavy and the world around them was forgotten. Family, friends, professors and books were forgotten as he shifted closer to her, cupping her face and she closed her eyes leaning her head against his hand. He stroked her cheek softly and her mouth opened slightly. Her perfect mouth that gave him perfect kisses, unlike any other he'd ever had. And her hair… her hair was gorgeous. He had never been one for blondes, but she was…. Amazing.

He pressed his mouth to hers again for longer this time and as he moved to pull away her arm reached up behind his neck and pulled him back. He snaked his arms around her back, reaching up to play with her hair and she tangled her hands in his. The kisses started out slow and gentle, soft moans escaping their mouths, but they soon turned deadly heated. He groaned against her mouth as she raised her right leg higher to rest near his hip and his hand trailed down rubbing her thigh slowly. She broke the kiss and trailed feather light kisses down his jaw line before continuing down his neck, sucking lightly on his pulse point. He moaned her name and she giggled. "Ssssh! They'll hear us!" She whispered still giggling as she pressed more kisses to his neck. He buried his face in her hair and inhaled deeply, that wonderfully seductive scent he had yet to place a name with. She rocked her hips against his and he swore that if she did that one more time he would take her right against wood.

It was so incredibly amazing… how she could make him forget everything and how he did the same for her. They forgot that she had a table full of people waiting for her, that they were in a library. They forgot that this was technically against the rules. But God, they didn't care. There was something about the other that they just wanted to drink in, drink until they couldn't take anymore and they doubted that that would ever happen.

The sound of Meredith's phone ringing broke them apart. Derek didn't let go of her as she reached into her pocket for her phone. She looked at the caller ID and flipped it open.

"Hey. No, no, I'm still in the building." She laughs a little. "Cristina, I'm fine. What, wait! George? Yeah, it's me. No, I'm good. I am not out of breath. I'm reading a book."

She tried to bring her leg down from Derek's waist but his grip tightened on her and he placed a soft kiss on her neck.

"Mmm, um… yeah, five thirty… I'll be there… Tell Cristina to stay where she is. Ok, be there in five minutes." She flipped her phone shut and Derek bit gently onto her neck, causing her to scream softly.

"Derek!" She gasped. He smiled against her skin and continued nibbling gently.

"I have to go." She mumbles. He shakes his head, his hair tickling her neck, making her laugh as he continues his ministrations.

"No." He says his voice muffled.

She nods her head and pulls herself away from him, sliding her leg down the floor, resting her hands on his shoulder.

"I really do." She kissed him again and he took this opportunity to try to pin her back against the shelf but she slipped out from his grasp. She bent down to pick up the book and waved at him intending to leave. He grabbed her arm and she looked at him.

"Meredith… I know, I know this is against the rules and I know… just please don't avoid me anymore." He pleaded with her. This wasn't him, he never pleaded, he didn't beg. He asked nicely and he fought like hell if the answer was no, but he'd never, ever wanted anything so badly that it forced him to beg. His eyes bore into hers and she nodded her head before slipping away.

"_Clear liquor and cloudy eyed, too early to say goodnight."_

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_**AN: Just some good not so clean fun in this chapter. But it still has a point. They're getting closer in more ways than one, and they're going to talk. They've already talked but there's going to be more. You guys will see what happens. Hehe.**_

_**This was supposed to be longer but I just had to stop here and get this up. It was already a long one as is. :) You'll get more tomorrow!**_

_**Thanks for reading! Please review!**_

_**-Meredith**_


	6. Chapter 6

_**Disclaimer: I suggest going to Seattle Grace to have Derek examine your head if you don't know I don't own the show by now.**_

_**So feel free to think that I own the show so you can have your head examined by Derek. LOL.**_

Meredith went back to the table where here friends were and when she sat down she received strange looks.

"What?"

They didn't answer but a few of their eyes widened.

"What?" She asked a little louder this time, causing several librarians to glare at her.

She looked pointedly at Cristina. "Tell me what's going on." She ordered.

Cristina snorted with amusement. "Did you just tell me what to do? And anyway, what bookshelf did you jump." She laughed, amused with herself. Meredith looked confused for a moment as she subconsciously ran a hand over her hair and clothes, frowning as she realized just how out of place Derek had made everything. "What? What do you mean?"

George started to laugh beside her. "Because you look like you just rolled out of some guy's bed." Meredith started to redden a little and when the rest of the group burst into laughter she stood up.

"Ok, you know what? I don't need this right now. I'm not sleeping with anyone that I shouldn't be, and I'm not sleeping with anyone, period! And for the record, it takes two to make a stupid sexual decision. So, whatever!" She gathered her books and walked out the door.

She smoothed her hair and clothes as she walked outside past the hundreds of students who were either lazing around or reading furiously from their text books. She found an empty bench and sat down on it, taking out the new book she had borrowed and flipping it open. She opened it to the page she had been looking at before Derek had interrupted and tried as hard as she could to concentrate, but it didn't seem to be working. She kept replaying the scene in her mind and his desperate plea for her to stop avoiding him. This page would forever be unreadable to her. Someone sat down next to her but she didn't look up. She knew by his shadow who he was.

"I have fond memories of that particular page." He remarked.

She looked up. "Seriously? I'm not going to avoid you anymore, so why the hell are you following me. Is your sole purpose in life to annoy me?" She asked him sharply.

Derek flashed her a grin that made his eyes twinkle and she felt her stomach flip.

"Is it my fault you're good company?" He asked, tilting his head a little. She looked away quickly. "Don't you have friends your own age to hang out with?" His eyes darkened slightly, but not from the usual desire they held when around her.

"No." He said flatly and she looked up in surprise, taking in the change. He was darker, not just his eyes, but his features had a sudden shadow drawn over them. "Derek?" She asked softly and she place a gentle hand on his arm. He jerked it away and she was surprised by how much that simple action stung. He attempted to get up before looking back at her. She looked hurt, bewildered and he felt sorry that he'd done that. His face softened slightly and he gave her a small smile. "It's nothing to do with you." He reassured her. He looked around before giving her a quick kiss on the forehead and getting up before she could kill him.

"Well, gotta go do as the students do!" He called over his shoulder as he quickened his pace to get away from her laughing.

"Derek Shepherd, we will talk about this later!" She shouted after him. She was slightly angry but also pleased with what he had done.

She huffed and put her book back in her bag, deciding that she definitely couldn't concentrate now.

"_I'm definitely going to fail."_ She thought.

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Derek left class later that day with a smile on his face. He'd done well in the test he'd had last week, he answered all questions thrown his way correctly, and he didn't have any new tests or any difficult essay to write. And the best part was, it was his last class of the day, meaning that he got to go talk with Meredith now.

Meredith. He couldn't figure out why she was so… herself. She was unlike anyone he'd ever met before, she was fresh, she was fun, smart… and he couldn't lie, she was amazing in bed. He had thought about last night the entire day, he couldn't help it. Every time he saw blonde hair he whipped his head around to try to see if it was her.

And then he grimaced slightly as he remembered. Three weeks. Three more weeks until everything went back to normal. What was supposed to be normal anyway. But this… this felt right. Smiling when he left class, leaving alone for once, with no one bugging him about weekends or nights and no one else elbowing him in the ribs to get laid. Going out, having fun. Teasing Meredith, cornering her in libraries and pinning her against doors, keeping her underneath him in his bed. It felt right, and it was crazy, and unheard of, he'd reminded himself of this he didn't know how many times.

Infatuation, lust, it had to be something else. He couldn't have any actual feelings of anytime for her yet. Sure he'd noticed how smart she was when they'd met last week, and the few words they'd exchanged had been pleasant enough… so they could be friends. They could definitely be friends.

He went back to his place and was surprised when he found her on his steps. He ran up to her and crouched down in front of her when he discovered that there were tears on her face.

"Meredith, Meredith what's wrong?" He asked her, concern etched into every line of his face.

She sniffled a little. "I was on my way back from class and this jerk clipped me with his car."

Derek felt a strange burst of anger and he convinced himself it was the situation in general that made him angry.

"I fell and I think… I think something's wrong with my ankle."

He reached down and lifted her pant leg a little and he frowned when he saw the swelling.

"Can you move it?" He asked, pressing on it softly. She cried out from the pain and gripped his shoulder. He placed his hand on her cheek and soothed her. She tried to move it gently and it gave a little twitch.

"Why did you come here?" He asked her gently. She sniffled a little. "The accident happened over there, and I recognized this place… it was the nearest place I could get to. I knew I couldn't make it to George's or back to my dorm… I'm sorry." She finished softly and his eyes snapped up.

"Don't be." He said quietly, smiling. She gave him a teary smile and he dropped his book bag to the ground before taking her arm and draping it around his shoulder. He placed his arm around her waist and surveyed the stairs before them and decided instead to lift her completely in his arms. He opened the door and went to his door, fishing his keys out quickly while she held on for dear life. As soon as the door was open he got her inside to his couch before going back outside to get their things. He came back inside and dropped them onto an armchair. He sat down next to her and reached for her ankle again, brushing his fingers against her skin.

"It doesn't look too bad. Just badly bruised hopefully. I'll be right back, I'll go get some ice." He got up and left the room.

Meredith looked around the living room, taking in her surroundings. She was actually in her apartment and she would remember it in the morning. He looked… neat. Not freakishly so, but he was definitely not a slob. He had his medical journals stacked in a corner with papers sticking out of the pages. He had his DVDs in one spot by the TV and he had a few magazines scattered around the room with a sweater here and there.

He came back out with the ice and carefully pressed it onto her ankle.

"Thanks." She said softly. His hand didn't move as he held it there for her. They sat in a comfortable silence for awhile and finally Meredith broke it.

"So… what does this mean?"

He looked over at her.

"I don't know." He replied truthfully.

"I just…." He trailed off. He wasn't about to tell her about the multiple thoughts that had been running through his head that day, all day, of her. Kissing her, touching her, holding her, falling asleep with her, having sex with her… everything.

"Well… we can't do this. We really can't, the other night was…"

"_Amazing. Wonderful. Perfect and so many other adjectives."_ She thought to herself.

"An accident… I think. I guess."

She saw hurt flash across his features for a brief moment but it quickly disappeared as he cleared his throat.

"Yeah… you're right." He agreed, while his mind was screaming the exact opposite.

"I mean it was… good… very good but… get that smirk off your face." She glared at him. He had started grinning like an idiot when she had complimented his "skills" and now that she was yelling at him he chuckled.

"Can't help it I'm great in bed. It's sort of a gift I guess." He laughed and he managed to tease a small giggle from her.

"Meredith, I don't want to stop seeing you." He confessed.

"I feel… you're different. We get along, and…. I just want to keep seeing you."

Meredith chewed the inside of her lip a little as she thought.

"We could be friends." She said slowly.

"We could try to be friends. So that means no more cornering me in libraries. Or kissing me or-"

"But I like the kissing. I'm all for the kissing. More kissing I say." He grinned at her and she laughed.

"Derek, friends don't kiss."

"Some do."

"On the cheek at most."

"Ok, so cheek kisses. But what if I slip?"

"And your tongue follows?"

He smiled with a twinkle in his eyes. "Yes. And maybe a little leg stroking and face holding… hair pulling, hip thrusting."

She reached over to hit him on the arm and he chuckled.

"You have tiny ineffectual fists." He remarked and she gawked at him.

"Excuse you?" She asked.

"This morning when you were hitting me. I didn't feel a thing. You have tiny ineffectual fists."

She stared at him with her mouth open for a few moments more and she shifted on the couch so her foot fell out of his grasp.

"I'll show you tiny ineffectual fists!" She exclaimed as she began to hit his arm. He laughed and put both of his arms around hers as he pulled her against his chest, trapping her. She laughed in his arms and after she had finished she spoke again. "Tiny ineffectual fists they are." She said with a smile on her lips.

God, he wanted to kiss her.

"So what do friends do?" She asked him, sitting up but still not leaving his arms.

"Well... coffee. Friends drink coffee together. And study. Movies and parties and lunch." He listed some things and Meredith nodded her head.

"Ok… we can do that."

She paused not sure if she should ask her next question.

"Do you find this… I dunno, weird? Because we just met last week. You're way older than me,"

"Hey!"

"Sorry. But there's an age difference, and we got drunk and had sex and we barely knew anything about each other, and now we're here, one day later and we're trying to be friends?"

He smiled a little.

"I know what you mean. I've been thinking this whole day about this, about us. And I kept trying to figure out why this is happening so fast. Must be fate." He smiled at her.

McDreamy! That's what Cristina called him, McDreamy! And this look that was on his face right now would forever be known as the McDreamy look. With a McDreamy smile.

Friends was going to be harder than they thought.

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_**AN: Friends. Derek and Meredith are trying to be friends, and now it's out in the open that they both feel weird about how… familiar this is, how familiar they are with each other and they just met. But they're trying to make an awkward situation less so.**_

_**It's Derek and Meredith. Having them be friends is like having Derek and Addison together. It just doesn't last. Hehe.**_

_**So that's pretty much all for this chapter. It was pretty self explanatory. If you have any questions you know what to do!**_

_**Thanks for reading and please review!**_

_**-Meredith**_

**_P.S. Your reviews for all of these chapters have been amazing! Seriously, I love you guys so much, your support is what keeps me going and updating so fast. They crack me up and give me a warm fuzzy feeling inside. :) So yeah, you guys are pretty much rock stars! Keep it up:D_**


	7. Chapter 7

_**Disclaimer: If I were Shonda… pssh, who am I kidding. I'm not Shonda, why even bother trying to imagine her powers. Lol. **_

_**AN: Stupid characters took over, I swear they did. This chapter was supposed to pick up after last chapter, with Meredith having a hurt ankle. Derek and Meredith were supposed to have talked and then she was supposed to want to go home. But then Meredith decided that she was ok. And that this was a week later. Yup. One week. Which means we have two weeks until…. Enjoy!**_

"Meredith, please just stay here, you can leave in the morning!" He pleaded with her as she moved to get off the couch.

"Derek, I really, really can't. I have tests in Ritter's class all this week." She sighed getting up.

It was one week later. One week from when they had slept together, one week from when Meredith had gotten hurt, one week from when they had decided to be friends. One long, extremely excruciating, week. Full of endless, unsatisfied aches for Meredith and constant, painful hardness for Derek. They wanted each other. They had become extremely fast friends, incredibly fast friends but they still desired each other at an incredible height. Meredith hid it well and Derek hid his behind in appropriate flirting. He had to satisfy his constant need to kiss her and to be inside of her with holding her close and giving her a friendly hug, sometimes a kiss on the cheek if she would let him, and she enjoyed every one of those moments to the fullest.

They had known that being friends wasn't going to be easy. At least not just friends.

"Come on, what can it hurt? It's three in the morning anyway, there's no way I'm letting you go out there alone." He argued.

"Derek, I'm a big girl I can handle myself."

"Mer…" He sighed and ran his fingers through his hair. Mer. He'd started using the nickname not that long ago, but that wasn't hard since he hadn't met her that long ago. He liked it, it was endearing. Sometimes he could get away with calling her Meri, but she rarely let him do that, only when she was in a… well, merry mood.

"If you're going home, I'm taking you." He said firmly.

"Not in your car."

"What's wrong with my car?"

"Nothing, I just don't want to take your car!" She insisted.

"Well then you're staying here because we can't walk to your dorm." He said.

"Derek!"

"No, Meredith, you're not going out there." He said firmly and he placed his hands on her shoulders.

"Things happen at night, people come out, people get drunk-"

"Derek, I won't get hit again."

"Mer, that's not what I'm talking about, but yes you could, and you can't."

She gave a sigh and opened her mouth.

"Meredith… please." He said softly.

Damn him. Him and that look of his. She looked away for a moment before looking back at him. One look from her was all he needed and he smiled and kissed her on the forehead.

"Come on, I'll get you something to wear. You can sleep in my room, I'll take the couch. Unless you wanted to share the bed."

He winked at her and she laughed.

"In your dreams Shepherd."

He shrugged. "It was worth a try."

He rummaged through his drawers and took out a pair of boxers and a shirt for her to wear.

"Ah, sorry… it's all I have." He apologized as he handed them to her. She took them and smiled. "Thanks. And it's ok, it's not like you were expecting for girls to sleep over." She smiled and he left the room. He went to the living room and pulled out the sofa bed, glad he'd gotten this instead of the tiny couch without it. She came out and cleared her throat. Derek looked up at her and felt his mouth go dry. God she was amazing. He clenched his eyes and he fought with his eyes, trying not to let them wander over her body, down her legs which were exposed and beautifully long.

One week ago those legs had been wrapping around him as they'd acted on the incredible lust they had felt for each other.

"How do I look?" She asked playfully and he smiled softly. "Great. Better than me." She smiled and he chuckled. "And that's hard to do."

She threw her head back laughing and he swallowed as he watched her hair fall off her shoulders, his shirt hanging loosely off her body, yet clinging to just the right places.

"So um… goodnight." She murmured smiling softly.

"Yeah… goodnight." He said quietly. She disappeared back into his room and once she had disappeared he flopped onto the sofa bed, taking deep breaths, trying to make the images that were running through his mind, less appealing. He kicked off his shoes and jeans before tugging his shirt over his head and tossing it on the floor. He lay back and pulled the blanket that he had brought out with him over him and he closed his tired eyes.

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Meredith couldn't sleep. She was dead tired and needed to sleep but she just couldn't. She rolled over in his bed and looked out the window, thinking about the last time she had been in this room. The "night unspoken of." She sighed as she grabbed one of the pillows and folded it beneath her before lying her head on it again. She let out a frustrated noise before unfolding it since the fold just managed to annoy her. She flipped onto her back and stared up at the ceiling.

She was in his bed. She was sinking into his marvelous bed and it smelled like him, like Derek. The sheets, the blanket, the pillows especially, all of it smelled uniquely like him, and this time the ache that grew within her wasn't in her abdomen or anywhere near there, it was in her chest. She'd never slept with him after that night, too worried about what might happen and now he was right in the other room and she was in his bed.

But she wanted him to be there with her.

She groaned and turned onto her stomach, pressing her face into the pillow before throwing the pillows away.

Finally she took a deep breath and started breathing in and out. Maybe for just one night… one night she could pretend that they were together, that she always slept in his bed, that she was used to his scent. She closed her eyes and slowly drifted into a deep sleep, one in which she imagined she was in his arms.

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Derek awoke the next morning, incredibly dreary. He stumbled out of the bed, not even noticing that he was on the sofa bed and went into the kitchen, groping for the coffee pot. He found it already made but he was too tired to comprehend this as he poured himself a cup and started to drink it furiously. Once he'd finished it he put the cup down on the counter, grimacing at the bitter after taste. He rubbed his eyes and looked at the clock, discovering that he had class in two hours. She frowned and yawned as he went to the closed bathroom door. He opened it without thinking and stopped dead in his tracks, his eyes widening at what he saw.

There was Meredith, surrounded by the steam from the shower, wrapped in a towel, her hair wet and droplets of water clinging to her skin. He wondered what they would taste like… if he were just to lick them carefully off her skin, holding her close to him. She turned and jumped when she saw him.

"Derek!" She screamed.

"Sorry." He muttered and he turned to leave, shutting the door behind him.

Friends was definitely not going to work.

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After the encounter, Meredith stood in the bathroom, breathless as she stared at the door. He had been there, and he had been looking at her. She had seen the want, the need in his eyes, something she hadn't seen for over a week. Then again, perhaps she'd just chosen not to see it, wanting to believe that at least one of them could be friends. She picked up another towel and towel-dried her hair before going to the door and carefully opening it. Meredith peeked out in the hall and discovered Derek pacing the floor, something he often did. She cleared her throat and he spun around. His hair was wild from sleep and his eyes wide and alert. He swallowed and silently cursed her. Why did she have to wear that damn towel? And couldn't she at least have dried her shoulders?

"Um… I guess you… if you need uh… I'm finished." She finally managed to get out. He breathed out and nodded, walking quickly towards her.

"Right."

They did an awkward "dance" dance at the door way, but when they both finally managed to pass they held the other's eyes for a moment. They wanted each other. But it was more than a physical want it was something else.

Something that had to be ignored.

"_You have stolen my heart."_

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_**AN: So that's a fairly short update. It was supposed to be up last night but FF was acting weird. **_

_**This was my attempt at Derek and Meredith trying to be friends. It's not very successful. They clearly both want each other but they're just ignoring it. Meredith more than Derek because she's an avoider. But it's there. And she slept in his bed and it drove her crazy. And seeing her in his clothes drove him crazy. **_

_**So friends. One week and they're already starting to crumble. One week of coffee and lunch and parties and studying. That stuff did happen, I just didn't feel like writing it because I didn't feel it was necessary. I probably will soon though. There's still another two weeks before… something.**_

_**Ah yes. The whole three weeks situation. Some of you have been very clever in getting this figured out. Or at least you think you have it figured out. Mwahahaha. So yeah, I'll tell you this guys. You're right. But under every band aid there's a wound that goes deeper than the surface. Something like that anyway lol. And trust me. You're not going to hate her. Well, I don't think so. I hate her, just in this story, but yeah… I hope you can sympathize with her. **_

_**So that's pretty much it! Thanks for reading, please review and HAPPY THURSDAY:D**_

_**-Meredith/Em (lol I finally use my real name)**_


	8. Chapter 8

**_Disclaimer: Did you see Grey's last night? With the sleeping together and the yelling and the money and the groping? Yeah, not my ideas. _**

_**AN: Just a little bit of sex in this. Haha, yeah the characters cracked me and I wrote it. It's not too graphic, but if you don't want to read it you'll miss nothing if you don't. :)**_

"So, what'd you do?" Cristina asked.

Cristina and Meredith were at their dorm and Meredith was trying to study to get the moment with Derek off her mind. It had been over a day and she still saw the way he looked at her in her minds eye.

"Nothing, I fled the scene." She murmured as she highlighted a piece of text. Cristina laughed. "Nice Meredith. Really, that's classy."

Meredith looks up from her book. "What? What was I supposed to do?" She asked.

"Do him." Cristina replied.

"What?!"

"You heard me. Do. Him. He obviously wants you, you want him, just strip the pants and do the nasty."

"I can't do that it's against the rules!" She exclaimed.

"So what? If I had a chance to screw a hot Tea- TA, I would." She said quickly.

Meredith looked at her quizzically, but Cristina looked away.

"Grey, I swear, if I have to listen to one more day of your moaning about Derek without him screwing you senseless, I swear I will kill you myself."

Meredith slammed her book shut.

"You know what? You're my friend you're supposed to be supportive. I'd be supportive of you. And what do you say? 'Screw him'. That's real great advice. Cristina." She snapped before getting up, throwing her book in the bag and going to the door.

"Where're you going?" Cristina asked.

"To go find- oh, Derek… hey."

She had opened the door and on the other side, with his fist raised ready to knock was Derek. He lowered it slowly and gazed at her.

"Hey."

Damn it. Stupid McDreamy McFreaking McSmile!

"Hi… what are you doing here?"

He looked over her shoulder at Cristina.

"Um…."

Cristina shot up.

"I'm gonna… go. You two talk. A lot. Closely, very closely. And yeah… lots of stuff." Cristina said, backing out of the room. Before she left, she shoved Derek into the room, causing him to collide with Meredith as she slammed the door behind them. They toppled onto her bed, Derek on top of her, mouths dangerously close.

Derek's breathing was heavy and Meredith's chest heaved beneath him as they looked intensely at each other. Meredith was the first to break the gaze and she gently pushed Derek off her, letting him roll away. He sat up on the edge of her bed and ran a hand through his hair. He could still feel her breath against his lips.

She sat next to him, carefully putting as much space as possible between them, but not enough to arouse suspicion. She had felt him pressing against her. Just the weight of his body was enough for a dull ache.

"You left."

He said quietly. She'd just left. He needed to talk to her, tell her that even when it was just a little more than a week in it was already a sham. He wanted her and he didn't know why. She made him feel like… himself. Something no other girl, and he did mean no other girl, had ever made him feel.

And she'd left him.

Guilt rushed through her. He sounded broken. His voice was reflecting what she had been trying to hold back for the past day and a half.

"I'm sorry."

She whispered.

"Just… why/" He asked and she sighed. "Because… because of this. Because of us. Derek, you're always… you're just… with the looking, and the caring and the smiling and the damn leaning…you're you, and I can't… I can't…"

She struggled to find the words that were on the tip of her tongue. He reached out to touch her arm.

"Meredith-"

"No." She shot up, pulling her arm away from him.

"You can't… you can't do this. You can't care. You can't say my name like you mean it, you can't make me laugh, you, we can't do this. We can't be friends Derek. We're not." She exclaimed. She was starting to panic and her voice was growing a little louder each time.

"Yes we can. We can be friends." He said to her, even though five minutes earlier he had been thinking the same thing as her. He had to fight for friends though, because what she was saying was scaring him. He couldn't walk out of this room and lose her altogether. He would fight for all that she would give him… all that he was allowed to take.

"No, we-" 

He got up from the bed and gripped her arms tightly.

"I am not leaving without having you… as my friend at least." He said in a low voice, eyes flashing.

"Meredith… this, us it scares me. It's moving so fast yet so slow at the same time. I don't know what to do about it, but I-" He stopped quietly.

"I don't want to fight it." He finished.

Tears of confusion, frustration, and want… want that she had held for the past week, welled in her eyes.

"Derek." Her voice broke and a tear fell down her face. He absentmindedly reached up to brush it away, and she let out a soft cry before reaching up and crushing his lips to hers. He reacted immediately, joyfully, as he wrapped his arms around her back, pulling her tighter to him as he kissed her back.

The kiss was slow, and gentle, full of passion. It different from the heated, lustful ones they had exchanged before, and he moved backwards, taking her with him. His knees hit the back of the bed and he fell onto it, keeping her close as she lay on top of him. His hand slipped up the back of her shirt, unclasping her bra and her hands reached between them to unzip his pants.

This was surreal. He was everywhere, hands blazing a trail as they caressed her skin, undressing her in the process. She carefully took off his pants and tugged off his shirt.

The rest was a blur to her. This wasn't the pure and simple sex they had done before, this was deeper. They had been yearning for each other and they finally had each other. The rest of their clothes seemed to evaporate from their bodies, and the next thing she knew he was inside of her, deep and insistent. He kissed her neck gently as he began to move, thrusting slowly, relishing the feeling of her around him. Her soft moans delighted him to no end and he kissed her gently on the mouth. Her nails dug into his back occasionally as she gripped him tightly, pushing her hip against his. He groaned as he pressed his lips into her shoulder, feeling himself on the brink of release. He trailed on of his hands across her body, hoping to find a spot that would bring her with him when he was ready. He traced his fingers slowly down her body until finally he brushed her skin in just the right way, that with one final moan she tightened before releasing, screaming his name softly. He grunted as he came inside of her, muttering her name along with a few quiet swears. He collapsed on top of her and she held him close as they both struggled to catch their breath. When he rolled off her he pulled her tightly to his side, his arms wrapped around her thin, sweating body, kissing the top of her head.

That had been wonderful… beyond any sex she'd ever received, ever given. She rested her head on his bare chest and closed her eyes, sinking into the feeling of being in his arms, being held as if she were treasured beyond anything else.

The feeling of euphoria drifted away though when she realized that this wouldn't last… that he would leave… they'd be awkward and they'd go back to being friends, and they'd do the looking and the talking and the caring and the longing. Her lip trembled as she thought about it. And they'd leave each other in the end and she'd be left in bed, alone, with no one to hold her like this. And she'd want him to be there, she'd ache for him, she'd cry herself to sleep, hoping that somehow he'd come through that door to hold her and to comfort her. But he wouldn't and she'd be left alone while he went god knows where.

Derek held her, breathing in the gentle scent of her hair. This was it. He wanted to try. He was crazy and he could never tell his family this or they'd have him declared mentally insane so fast it would make his head spin… no pun intended.

He was alarmed though when he felt something wet drop onto his chest and he tilted her head up to discover that she was crying.

"Mer, what's wrong?" He asked gently, cupping her face. She pushed his hands away and she started to cry harder. A pained expression came across his face when he tried to pull her close again but she shrank away.

"Meredith, please." He said, growing desperate. Her sobs were worsening and her whole body was shaking as she pulled her sheet up to her chest.

"Go." She choked out. "Just go."

"Meredith-"

"Go!" She said louder this time, collapsing against the wall, putting her hand over her mouth as she continued to cry.

"This. This is why I can't handle us. Because it'll just, it'll just, it'll just go back to being, being the same!" She cried.

"It won't, it won't, I swear it won't." He said trying to comfort her.

"Just go! I don't want you here, I don't want to see you, I don't want to talk with you. This was a mistake, this friendship was a mistake, everything about us is a mistake! Just go!" She pleaded, gasping for air through her sobs.

He had never been hurt more in his life. He wanted to hold her, tell her everything would be ok, tell her he would be there for her, but she wouldn't let him. He said they were a mistake. If they were it was the most beautiful, most incredible mistake he'd ever made in his life and he would never forget it. Not knowing what else to do, he gathered his clothes and pulled them on slowly. He didn't want to leave… god he didn't want to leave. But he had to, he hated seeing her like this, and if this was what would make her stop then he would do it. He reached out to brush her cheek but he thought better of it before walking sadly out the door. With one final look back at her he shut the door, feeling like the creak of the hinges were the sound of his heart breaking… just a little.

Inside she continued to cry, clutching the sheet. He had left. He had done as she'd asked and he'd left and now he was gone and she would never see him again. She'd never hear his voice, she'd never smell his scent. This was all her fault. She wanted to run after him and beg him to come back, that she didn't mean any of it, but she couldn't bring herself to leave her bed, and she wasn't sure if this was because she wasn't able to or if her pride wouldn't let her go back on her word. She missed him already and he had just left… he'd left her again when she needed him to stay the most. She remembered the hurting, painful looks he'd worn when she'd said the things she said and when she had pulled away from him.

She lay down on the bed, curling up and she reached for the pillow he had been on, crying into it. It still smelled like him and he'd been there for less than six hours. She held onto the pillow for dear life, repeating his name over and over again and she only stopped once she had cried herself to sleep.

"_And from the ballroom floor we are in celebration, one good stretch before our hibernation. Our dreams assured and we all, will sleep well."_

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_**AN: Yay, a chapter! LOL. **_

_**So the beginning started off with Cristina and Meredith. Their interaction was fairly simple. She told him to do him. She didn't see what the problem was. Wonder why…?**_

_**Grey's last night gave me inspiration haha. It's going to be the only bright spot for Meredith these next couple of chapters. Sorry guys! Believe me I hate it too. And yet I still write it….**_

**_So they talked. And he didn't admit all of his feelings, but it's pretty clear to Meredith how he feels about her. And she feels the same way. And it hurts to be away and to want each other so badly so they give in. Honestly this wasn't supposed to happen this chapter but people tend to run amuck in my head. So this is what you got haha. _**

_**They give in and there's a blissful happiness between them. They finally stop with the struggling. But Meredith being Meredith, decides to see things all dark and twisty and she thinks about after this… the what ifs. And since she's Mer, she sees the worst what ifs. So she panics and she doesn't know what to do, and in a split second decision she thinks she might just be able to handle him leaving if she sends him away herself. So she does and it's even worse because she wanted him to stay, she needed him to stay. **_

_**And he didn't. Derek is hurt and left in the dark. He has no idea what's going on. Next chapter will be his what ifs. Some of them anyway, if the characters cooperate. **_

_**I think that just about does it. Thanks for reading and please review! You guys… you amaze me, really. I'd thank you all but I'm afraid I'll forget someone. In my final chapter there's going to be a long autho'rs note with everyone's name. You guys are great. **_

_**-Meredith**_

_**P. S. OMG, what about Grey's last night? Did that seriously happen?**_


	9. Chapter 9

_**Disclaimer: So apparently I'm a liar. I said that my other fic would remain my main priority. This story has nine chapters in a little more than a week. My other fic has seventeen chapters I believe since May. But that's getting more characters and storylines weaved into it instead of focusing purely on MerDer. If I were Shonda I could handle both of them. But… yeah, I'm so not Shonda lol.**_

The moment Derek got home he slammed the door shut. He ignored the slight cracking sound as he stormed to the kitchen, throwing his keys on the counter so hard that they jumped off it the moment they hit it. His fists kept clenching and unclenching involuntarily, and his breathing was fast and furious. He wasn't necessarily angry, he was more frustrated, frustrated with himself, with the situation, and with Meredith. He had sworn to himself that he had seen something change in her when he'd said what he'd said, and then they'd… he didn't know what they had done. It wasn't sex, it wasn't screwing, it wasn't… was it… no, it couldn't be… he refused to think that. Not after she had kicked him out, pushed him away when she was so broken. He held his own hands as he remembered how she had pushed them away, and how she had huddled closer to the wall to get away from them.

And the same? How could anything possibly be the same after this? He could never go back to what they were. She was right, that friendship was a mistake, he should have demanded that they try for something more. He leaned against the counter and ran one hand through his hair. He stared at nothing in particular before he started to pace. His nervous, thinking habit. It drove his Mother crazy, he did it so much she used to say he was trying to pace his way through the earth to China. He actually had worn a hole in one of the carpets at his old home once.

He went to the living room and sat on the couch, digging the heels of his palms into his forehead as he rested his elbows on his knees. He blinked rapidly when he thought he felt some tears coming on. He wouldn't cry, he wouldn't cry over a girl. He wouldn't cry over anything. Over anyone. He wouldn't do it. Sighing he sat up and tipped his head back, looking at the ceiling.

Of all the times, of all the people… this had to happen now, with her, with them. He didn't know what to do. He wanted… he wanted… god, he couldn't think. She made it impossible for him to think.

He was falling head over heels for Meredith Grey.

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Cristina got to the dorm hours later and discovered Meredith in bed, naked, holding onto a pillow, The room smelled like sex and she wrinkled her nose. She walked over to Meredith's bed and frowned when she saw the tear stains. She jabbed her shoulder, shaking Meredith awake.

"Couldn't you at least have put on some clothes before I came home? And where the hell is McDreamy?" She asked, turning away.

The minute Cristina said that Meredith stiffened. When she had woken up she had felt like there was something awful that had happened but she couldn't remember what it was. Then she remembered.

Talking. Looking. Touching. Caring. Smiling. Holding. Grabbing. Kissing, pulling, falling, removing, thrusting, groaning, moaning, screaming, releasing, the words ran faster and faster through her head as the tears started again. Crying, yelling, demanding, pleading, hurting. Wordlessly she got up pulling the sheet with her and she wrapped it around herself before quickly going to the bathroom and slamming the door behind her, turning the lock.

Cristina whirled around. "Mer?"

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Inside the bathroom, Meredith slid down the door to the floor, her face crumpling and she held the sheet tighter. Thoughts were still running through her head and she couldn't make them stop. She cried as she once again remembered the look on his face.

"Derek! Derek, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry…." She cried against the door.

"I didn't mean it, I swear I didn't. We're not… we couldn't be, I… love… you…."

She continued sobbing, not even taking in the words she was saying. She couldn't even comprehend her thoughts. She crawled her way to the bathtub, reaching in to turn on the water for a shower. She dropped the sheet and stepped in, drawing the curtain shut before sinking down and leaning against the wall. Her cries finally stopped, but she was sure this was only because she'd run out of tears to cry.

He'd left her. He'd left her and all she could think was it was her fault. And it was. Why the hell couldn't it be his too? She was tired of being blamed for every mistake ever made. She wanted… she didn't know what she wanted. She couldn't think. He made it impossible for her to think.

She was falling head over heels for Derek Shepherd.

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It seemed as if it had been years, lifetimes since they'd spoken but it had been a little over a week. One week of silence, of missing the others voice, of replaying the last day they had spent together and every single one before that. Another week of wanting each other, of needing and not being able to take or be taken. Meredith avoided him like the plague. She was hoping that if she didn't talk with him she would forget about him – which was a lie, she could never forget about him – and if she could forget about him the ache would lessen. Her heart would heal.

Derek was absolutely miserable. His marks had gone down slightly in all of his classes, something he hadn't done since he was last in…. He wasn't now though so this was ridiculous. His worst class was his neurological class. He kept thinking about the day in the library, which led to Meredith, which led to the sex and the fighting and the crying and the insane frustration he felt about them once again.

He didn't know how to do this. He didn't know how to be away from her. He couldn't understand how he could be so… something about her and still want to see her. He just wanted to see her. To see her, and so far she had been doing an excellent job at avoiding him. If avoiding him were a test she'd have the highest score ever recorded in the history of the world.

He walked forlornly across campus, looking at the students that were milling around, trying to get to class on time when he saw a familiar flash of hair. It wasn't the blonde he'd grown accustomed too within the past few weeks, it was something else that was equally familiar but that he hadn't seen in a long time, in over a year.

One year ago he'd wanted nothing more than to see that hair. Now he wanted nothing to do with it.

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Meredith was broken. She was broken and there was only one person who could fix her and she wouldn't talk to him. She had seen him once or twice. He hadn't seen her, but she'd seen him, and he looked absolutely… awful. Sleep deprived, hair wild, circles under his eyes, shoulders slumped. It hurt that she couldn't, rather wouldn't help him, hold him, tell him to tell her what's wrong… fix it and then fall into bed together, a blissful, tangled mess of arms and legs.

She needed him. This was insane, she needed him.

She was weak. Every time she had ever needed someone or something in her life, she had always been told it made her weak. That she would never be able to live her life, that she would be dependent on others for the rest of her life, that she would never, ever be able to think for herself, and that she most definitely would not be a good surgeon.

She stopped walking and broke into a run. A desperate run. She burst through a door and the next minute she was in the blinding sunshine. After blinking for a moment she started a fast walk, looking in every direction. He had to be here, he had to be. And if he wasn't he would be at his place, and she would find him, wherever he was she would find him. She didn't know what she would do if she didn't.

Her eyes glanced at a familiar head of dark curls and she took a second look before sighing with relief. She started to walk over to him and she was almost there when she saw someone throw their arms around his neck and hug him. The person leaned up to kiss him, but he turned his face at the last second so it landed on his cheek.

She could tell by his facial expression that he was trying to calm the person down, and then he smiled and kissed her on the forehead.

Meredith swallowed. Of course she'd been stupid to think that he only ever did that with her. When she took a closer look at his smile however, she could see that it was strained… it was the easy, charming, flirtatious smiles he had been giving her, full of caring and genuine liking for her.

She felt her chest heave when she saw him hug the person and but his smile dropped the moment his face was behind theirs. Suddenly Derek's eyes locked with hers and a panicked expression snuck its way onto his face. His eyes pleaded with hers for a moment to let him explain but she turned and ran, tears clouding her vision.

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The moment Derek saw Meredith he felt as if his world had stopped. He hadn't seen her in a week, and there she had been, beautiful. Tired, and worn out but beautiful as anything. Then he remembered his arms were around someone else's waist, that they had their arms around him and that this looked bad.

Who was he kidding? It was bad. Incredibly bad. How the hell had things gotten this messed up?

He looked deep into her eyes, begging for her to stay, to let him explain but she had run.

He quickly stepped away from the embrace of the person and muttered an apology before running at top speed in the direction Meredith had gone. His hair flew in all directions as he searched franticly for her.

"Mer, Mer, please don't do this." He said to himself. He saw her disappear around a corner and he knew in a moment where she was going. In the short week that they had been friends they had come up with rituals, and one of the rituals was to go to a specific spot on campus, by the lake that was used for sporting events. It was hidden by the trees, giving them some shelter from the surrounding crowds.

He reached the "opening" of the grove and took a few deep breaths before pushing the branches aside and stepping inside, letting them fall back into place behind him.

She was sitting by a tree, struggling to catch her breath, not completely in tears… at least not yet. He quickened his steps over to her and sank down next to her. He pulled her into his arms and held her against his chest.

"Meredith, we should talk. It's not, we're… she and I are going to be over." He whispered, wondering where to begin.

"Derek?" A voice called and he swore, pulling Meredith tighter to his chest when she struggled to pull away.

"Derek, are you in there? Why the hell are you hiding in the trees?"

The branches parted and a girl stepped in. She was dressed in a pair of casual jeans, and a white cotton button down, with the sleeves rolled up. Her red hair dropped loosely around her shoulders and she wore natural make up. There was a frown on her face and her eyes landed on the two of them beneath the tree.

"Derek… what's-"

Meredith finally managed to pull out of his arms and she quickly stood up, wiping her face.

"I'm sorry Mr. Shepherd… it's nice of you to be concerned about me, but really, classes are much better now." She said in an even voice and Derek mouthed wordlessly, too stunned at the sudden turn in her attitude. Mr. Shepherd?

"I'm sure I'll have everything under control soon. Thank you though, for offering to help. I was… things are rough. I'm sorry for taking you away from…."

She motioned to the pretty girl, who smiled when she realized nothing was going on.

"Addison. Addison Montgomery, Derek's girlfriend. But you can call me Addie." She smiled stepping forward and giving Meredith a little hug.

Normally Derek would have found the face Meredith made funny, and he would have been struggling to hold back his laughter. But the fact was, Meredith had just discovered he had a girlfriend, without knowing the most important part of the story. And she never would because if he knew her, and he liked to think that he did, she would never speak to him again and she would also make sure they would never see each other.

"_As she promised."_ He thought darkly.

Addison pulled back and smiled a brilliant smile at Meredith.

"Derek and I, being the fools we are applied to separate medical schools two years ago in our senior year, so we got accepted to different ones. It was too late for me to transfer so we had to go to separate schools for the first year. It was hell, but we made it. Right Derek?"

She asked him, shifting her gaze to where he sat. She frowned.

"Derek, get off the grass, you're going to get filthy. There's no way you're lying in my bed tonight with those jeans on." She ordered him. He clenched his jaw as he stood up and Meredith thought that for just one moment, her heart might have stopped. The thought of Derek lying in someone else's bed was unthinkable. She quickly mumbled a few words.

"I'm uh… sorry to keep you two. You seem like you have a lot to catch up on so… good luck and um, maybe I'll see you around. Bye." She said quickly and Derek reached out and grab her arm but she shot him a glare that clearly told him "Don't you dare."

He dropped his head, defeated and he heard her part the branches before she left.

Addison looked around, a thoughtful look on her face.

"You know… it's actually really nice here… _really_ nice… maybe one day we could have a picnic here?" She smiled softly at Derek.

"Bring a blanket, pack a basket… strawberries, chocolate-"

"No." He cut her off gruffly and she looked slightly offended.

"What, why?"

He looked at the opening, where Meredith had been moments before.

"We just can't." He said quietly.

"Sweetie-"

Sweetie. Once he'd loved hearing that from her, now it was like nails on chalk, her voice grated in his ears along with the concern it held. The over the top, sickeningly sweet concern.

"Sweetie, what's the matter? Do you feel ok?" She held a hand up to his forehead and he quickly pushed it away. It burned, her skin burned him. Not literally of course but it… it wasn't Meredith's.

"That's not where it hurts." He said referring to his head and he walked away, leaving Addison confused behind him.

'Where does it hurt?"

He ignored her and continued walking, leaving the grove.

"_How about everywhere?_" He thought to himself.

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_**AN: Dun. Dun. Dun. LOL. **_

_**Sorry guys. I got quite a few reviews begging for me to not let Derek have a girlfriend, and if he did it better not be Addison. A lot of you are unsympathetic to her too lol. **_

_**It makes me proud that you guys are so anti-Addek. **_

_**But the fact of the matter is, Derek does have a girlfriend and it is Addison. Perfect, nice Addison. Because she has no idea about what's happened. So really, Addison is the victim here. At least so far. And she has no idea. None what so ever. That story she told Meredith about them being stupid and applying to separate colleges? All true. So Addison is innocent. So technically?**_

_**Derek. Cheated. **_

**_And yeah. A lot kind of happens in this chapter. Time jumps and all. And I'm sure you all noticed those three words Meredith said while she was crying in the bathroom. I did too. _**

_**But she didn't.**_

_**I'm mean, I know. Sorry. Just know that I PLAN to have a happy ending. Because I LOVE MerDer. So really, I wouldn't do anything bad that's actually long lasting. **_

_**And the grove. I really wanted them to have a special spot. I thought about it being some old abandoned marble library or something, but then I saw Addie entering a grove and talking about picnics. So Meredith and Derek have a special spot. Addison wanted to use it and Derek said no, because it belongs to him and Meredith only. Don't worry, no happy picnics shall take place in that grove….**_

_**And once again, you guys amaze me! Those reviews were great, and I thank each and everyone of you for them! I'm glad you're all enjoying this story! OMG, and I know, Izzie and George… a little weird. Yeah, my thoughts on them are complex. LOL and I'm rambling enough as it is. If you want to read a blog that I'm planning to write on the episode, and you have a myspace, just go to my authors page and my home page is my fansite that I have… yup yup! Add me! Lol.**_

_**Once again, thank you soo much for reading and reviewing, and please review again!**_

_**Thanks!**_

_**-Mer/Em**_


	10. Chapter 10

_**Disclaimer: If I owned Grey's, I would have given you guys a new preview for the apparently new episode that we're getting this week. And I wouldn't have tried to trick you guys in the first place by saying there wasn't a new one and then leaving you to find out there is.**_

Meredith had gotten out of the grove and she felt a weight lifted from her chest. Sort of. Her head was spinning, she ached everywhere and her chest felt empty. She thought she might throw up if she heard the words _lying in my bed_ in her head one more time. He was supposed to be in her bed. Hers and hers only, and of course his. Right now she didn't care that he had a girlfriend. Which was wrong, completely wrong, she just wanted him.

She threw open a door to the main building and leaned against the wall. Tears fell down her face and she wiped them away furiously only to have them replaced with new ones.

She had been going to apologize… to do something about the situation, to ask him to just… and now it was too late. She laughed a bitter laugh through her cries as she realized it had always been too late. He'd never been hers… not really. For at least two years he'd belonged to someone else. And this Addison person had on idea… he'd slept with her more than once, cornered her in libraries, they'd spent the night together a few times. She had no idea… she was… she wasn't exactly the other woman, they hadn't started anything official, but they'd still been together… and she swore there was something there emotionally as well. But obviously not.

People passed her in the hall, staring at her and she shrank into the shadows, as if she were… some sort of convict. So this was what she was reduced to. Hiding in shadows, sleeping with men who apparently had girlfriends, feeling emotions where she had no place feeling them… she was ruined. She wiped the tears away before moving away from the corner and walking quickly down the hall with her arms crossed over her chest, head looking down.

She was doing just fine when she bumped into someone.

"I'm sorry." She said softly, still not looking up.

"Meredith, right?" A male voice said and she finally looked up.

"Yeah… and you are?" 

He grinned, his eyes lighting up a little. "So you're Derek's dirty mistress."

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"Derek, just tell me what's the matter!" Addison exclaimed behind him. They were walking back to his place, something he really didn't want to do, at least not with Addison in tow. He had succeeded in walking at a fast enough pace that made it hard for her to follow, but that didn't mean her voice stopped reaching his ears. He felt slightly guilty, about everything, but he couldn't… one more week, she was supposed to have taken one more week. He could have told Meredith, had Meredith, broken it off with Addison by then, but no. She shows up and decides to throw her arms around him at the exact same time Meredith was there. But why was Meredith there?

The possible answers made his stomach churn with frustration. What if she had been there to be with him, to apologize, to talk to say something, anything! But then she could have not been there for him, just passing by… no, she was definitely there for him, he'd seen it in her eyes. She was there for him and he'd thrown it away.

He sped up a little, raking his hand through his hair when Addison's voice stopped him.

"Derek Shepherd you tell me what is going on right now!" She all but screamed at him. He whirled around with a scowl on his face.

"What do you want Addison?" He snapped.

She caught up with him and stood in front of him.

"What I want is my boyfriend. Do you remember him? He looks just like you and he says I love you to me. He doesn't leave me in the dust, he doesn't yell at me, he doesn't… he doesn't look at me as if I'm the most vile thing he's ever seen!" She yelled in frustration.

"Addison, I've just had a bad week." He sighed, finally feeling guilty for treating her this way.

"Derek, we haven't seen each other in over a year, we haven't touched, kissed or had sex in over a year, and this is the welcoming I get?" She frowned.

Derek clenched his jaw when she mentioned sex. "Look, Addie… I'm sorry. But you didn't come at exactly the best time." He explained.

"Do you want to end this? Is that what it is?" She asked.

"No, I don't want to end it." He replied automatically. A moment later, he realized with horror what he'd done but it was too late to take it back. A smile was on her face and her arms were around his neck, her mouth close to his.

"So do you wanna go inside and uh…." She trailed off and smiled in what he thought she must have imagined to be a seductive way. It was nothing compared to Meredith's… she smiled a real genuine smile and raised her eyebrow, that was one of the sexiest things he'd ever seen. Addison's lips pursed together slightly and her eyebrows stayed the same. Not sexy at all in his opinion. It was once but now… everything had changed since Meredith had come into his life.

Addison pressed her lips against his and he grimaced against her mouth, something she didn't notice as she desperately flicked her tongue at his mouth. Meredith stroked at his mouth, gently and she always managed to find her way in even if he didn't open his mouth, which he had never done with her. He quickly pulled away from Addison and discovered her hurt look.

"Addie, I'm sorry I just don't feel like it. It's not you-"

"_Liar."_

"It's me. I'm tired. I want to, believe me I do-"

"_Double liar."_

"Just… not tonight. And we haven't seen each other in over a year… we should talk again." He gave her what he hoped was a convincing smile and was relieved when she smiled back at him.

"Alright."

They walked to his door and got inside.

"_Liar, liar, pants on fire!"_

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Meredith stood there, stunned.

"Ex-excuse me?" She stuttered and Mark's grin widened.

"Pardon me, I'm Mark Sloan, Derek's better half." He let go of her arm and offered his hand, which she shook still in a daze.

"Better looking at least." He said, looking intently at her. She swallowed, feeling slightly uncomfortable under his strong gaze. She shook herself from her stupor and glared at him.

"Dirty what?" She raised her voice. Mark grinned and withdrew his hand, placing it in his pocket. "Dirty mistress. The one he's been cheating on Addison with." He said by way of an explanation. At the mention of… _her_, Meredith stiffened and turned on her heel, quickly walking away.

"Hey, hey, hey, don't be like that. I wasn't—"

"Yes, you were." She snapped.

He caught up with her and walked with her.

"I wasn't. I was kind of concerned for him, I mean if he really thought he was going to wait a whole year with no sex-"

Meredith felt a tug at her stomach. _"Of course."_ She realized. _"There was nothing there with us. I was just his bed warmer until she showed up. Someone to feed the beast, make sure he didn't starve. His dirty mistress…."_

"No, I don't think that's all you were." Mark's voice broke her thoughts and she stopped to look at him, realizing she'd said all of that out loud.

"What do you mean? He has a girlfriend, one who he's been with for more than two years at least-"

"Five." Mark cut her off quietly. "They've been together for about five years."

Meredith studied his sudden change in character. He looked empty. Broken like… like her. His eyes were cast downwards to the ground and he seemed to be lost in thought.

He looked up, all signs of his new attitude dissolved and he stared at her with a firm gaze.

"And I don't think you're just his dirty mistress."

"That's crap, if I wasn't then he wouldn't have had a girlfriend." She said, using anger to fight her tears.

"Listen to me, he's called me numerous times to talk about the only girl that would ever be worth cheating on Addison with."

"Oh gee thanks, that makes me feel loads better." She said sarcastically and he chuckled.

"Meredith, you don't understand. Derek hasn't… before the first year of med school they were together and happy, and perfect… they might have even been in love, but when they left they grew apart. Med school isn't easy, especially first year. Both of them were overloaded with work, they didn't both to write, call, text, message they just stopped talking. Over time Derek began to remember what life was like before Addie. How he was free to sit where he wanted, how he wanted-"

Meredith smiled softly, remembering how Addison had scolded him in the grove.

"He remembered how to live his life the way he wanted to live. They stopped talking, they grew apart, they grew in so many different ways but not in ways that could let them fit together. They stopped being Addison and Derek, Derek and Addison, they stopped being. Now it's just Derek and just Addison, they're just doing this out of habit."

He sighed and furrowed his brow in concentration.

"You know I had this whole big speech planned to get you to believe me and now I can't remember the most important part." He frowned and Meredith laughed.

"The point is… Derek was with Addison all of last year and he never looked at anyone twice out of obligation to the girlfriend that barely existed miles away. This year, you were all it took for Derek Shepherd, the most stubborn man who believes in doing the right thing even when it's the wrong, to break that commitment – and from what I've heard numerous times – and to get him…." He paused.

"Meredith, he fell in love with you. He doesn't quite know it and he definitely won't say it, because… what you said about you two being a mistake hurt him, a lot. But he does. He's been trying to figure out how to end things with Addie ever since he met you, how to explain and how to finally get you to be his. He loves you." He finished.

Meredith felt her breathing stop and her chest tightened, tears stinging at her eyes. She crossed her arms and turned her head, closing her eyes to fight them. She swallowed before looking back at Mark.

"It's… it's not enough." She whispered.

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Derek sat on the couch, scowling at the TV. Addison was in the kitchen making popcorn for them to eat while the movie was on. Some sort of stupid romantic comedy that they used to enjoy. For old times sake she had said. He snorted in amusement as he thought of that. He couldn't even remember the old times, the only times he remembered were times with Meredith. And they were the only ones he wanted to remember.

Addison suddenly appeared next to him with a bag of popcorn in hand, and… shit she was dressed in one of his shirts. That… fuck she was dressed in Meredith's shirt! The one that she'd worn the last time she had visited him. He was determined that she be the last person to wear it and now Addison had ruined it.

"What are you doing?" He asked, trying to control his anger. She looked innocently at him. "I don't know, what am I doing?" She asked sweetly, raising one bare leg slowly and crossing it over the other. "You're wearing Mer-my shirt." He snapped crossly. She frowned. "Derek, you do know what shirt this is, don't you? It's the one I always wear. It's my shirt… remember?" He sighed. "Addison, please, that's my shirt and it's dirty anyway. Please, just go take it off."

"I can do that… I can definitely do that." She smirked and he groaned. "Addie, you know what I mean."

He got off the couch and strode to his room, slamming the door and locking the door behind him.

This was ridiculous. He realized Addison was right, that had always been her shirt… but now it was Meredith's.

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_**AN: Yay! A chapter! Lol. Sorry that it took a little longer this time, my aunt was in town for a convention on Friday but her flight out got snowed in so she had to stay with us and I had to be the good little hostess lol. And Saturday, well I updated. Sunday I went out to dinner and then I had a headache, but I still wrote and by the time I finished writing it was too late to post.**_

_**So here it is. Meredith bumped into Mark, and honestly? I had no idea it was going to be Mark. I knew that I wanted him to appear in the story, but the characters have the choice of who wants to appear and when. The only people I knew about were Mer, Der, Cristina and Addie. **_

_**Derek's kind of mean to Addison isn't she? But she's trying to get sex from him, and he doesn't want to. Because the next person he wants to have sex with is the same person he had it last with. So he's going to fight Addie as long as he can. **_

_**And Mark… yeah, we get the feeling something's going on with Mark. We're not quite sure what, we may have ideas, but we don't know exactly. **_

_**And apparently Derek's been talking with Mark about Meredith. Because he loves her. But for Meredith it's not enough. She can't get past the fact that he didn't tell her about his girlfriend, that they had had something while he had a girlfriend in the first place. **_

_**I think that's it! Oh yeah, you guys… just speechless. That's what you leave me. Which isn't good when I'm trying to write for you lol. So thank you to all the addek haters and merder lovers and to the people whose obsession is this story. Thank you all, so much. You rock my sox.**_

_**Oh yeah… this is a new Meredith and Derek site on myspace (lol easy to start there) started by my friend and yours truly. www(dot)myspace(dot)com(slash)merderlove**_

_**Thanks for reading, please review! **_

_**-Mer/Em**_


	11. Chapter 11

**_Disclaimer: Nope. Not me. Cause Shonda has the cast over for her birthday. Or at least that's how I imagine it. Me? The only thing I got to see of Grey's on my birthday were a SGH mug and Season 2 soundtrack. Oh, but there's a new episode this week. And last week. So I'm good. :D_**

Mark sighed.

"How can that not be enough?" He asked her and she shrugged, biting her lip.

"It's just not. He didn't tell me about his girlfriend so how much could he have 'loved me' to begin with?" She asked him, saying the word loved sarcastically. Mark sighed.

"Meredith, did you hear a word of what I said? Derek doesn't cheat, he doesn't do anything out of the ordinary, and then he meets you and he breaks all of that, he goes against the rules that make up who he is, and he calls me on the phone to talk about a girl! It makes me feel like a fucking girl, and if I had to listen to him talk about you, you're going to listen to me, talk about him, talking about you!" Mark exclaimed, frustrated beyond belief.

Meredith raised her eyebrows.

"Fine."

Mark opened his mouth, prepared to yell again when he stopped. "Fine? As in-"

"Fine as in yes, yes I'll do it." She snapped.

"Alright then… so come by to the place tonight-"

"What?" Meredith asked, starting to panic.

"I can't, I mean… his place? Your place? The place where he lives, where he is with… her? I can't….."

"Meredith." Mark moved forward and placed his hands on her shoulders and spoke to her in a low calming way.

"Everything will be fine. Trust me, I know what I'm doing. Just know…" He hesitated for a moment before continuing. "Just know that I'm going to say things… a lot of things. Things that are normal for me, because trust me this is not the normal Mark Sloan. I don't do the whole gentle, concerned thing and if you tell anyone I'll have to hurt you." He stopped. "Maybe not, because Derek would kick my ass. The point is, I won't mean any of the things I'm going to say, at least not completely." He grinned. "So go along with me."

She nodded in agreement, wondering what would happen.

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Derek paced his bedroom floor, frustrated with himself, trying to figure a way out of this mess that he had created. His hair was wild from frequent run-throughs, and the edge of his jeans that hung over the back of his shoes were worn from being stepped on so many times. He frowned as he took a deep breath and looked at his door. He strode forward and quickly unlocked it, opening it and stepping out into the hall. He walked to the living room and he found Addison sitting on the couch, still in his shirt… her shirt… still in the shirt, much to his displeasure. She was sitting with her knees to her chest, watching TV with a sullen expression on her face. She looked up when he entered the room and her frown deepened. He opened his mouth to speak when there was a noise at the door, and in the next moment it was open.

"Alright, come on in, Meredith."

Derek heard a familiar voice say a familiar name and his stomach clenched. He quickly ignored Addison who was trying to talk to him and went to the front door where he saw Mark lead Meredith in, and she…. He couldn't believe it, she was wearing Mark's jacket. There were beads of water on it and he looked behind them to see that it was raining outside.

Meredith stepped in after Mark and she looked up and found Derek's eyes. They stared at each other for a moment before she quickly broke the gaze and slipped Mark's jacket off her shoulders. She handed it to him and he gave her a grin.

"Alright Meredith, you just ruined a two hundred dollar leather jacket. What are you going to pay me with in return?"

They had discussed this before. Mark was going to use whatever lines he could, no matter how cheesy as long as they were in front of Derek. She was to act either somewhat repulsed or to make some advances that went along with it.

"Oh Mark, that was horrible." She grimaced at him. He placed his arm around her shoulder and Derek felt his blood boil. "You know it could get a whole lot better." He winked at her and Derek's fists clenched and he took a step forward.

"Oh yeah." Mark yawned behind his hand, his arm still around Meredith. "Derek, Meredith, Meredith, Derek."

He grinned. "Excuse us Derek, but now that we're all introduced, Meredith and I have some ah… business to attend to. Studying, lots of studying. Research. Complicated research, very frustrating, so if you hear any screams or… moans, just ignore them."

Derek's face had gone white and his non-existent nails were digging into his palms, his jaw was clenched and a vein in his temple was throbbing. Any screams and moans that cam from Meredith's mouth would be because of him and they would be his name that came from her. They would be covered by his mouth, echoed by his voice.

"Come on Meredith." Mark led her to the living room and Derek followed, still livid. It didn't help when Mark's hand traveled down to Meredith's ass and she slapped it away, but she laughed. She never meant anything when she laughed. He swore that he might have burst a blood vessel.

Addison looked up from the couch and her jaw dropped when she saw the three of them enter the room.

"Mark? Meredith?"

Meredith forced herself to smile and she nodded to her.

"Derek, what's going on?" Addison asked, getting off the couch.

"_That's my shirt."_ Meredith thought. She quickly pushed aside her anger and moved closer to Mark.

"_What the hell is she doing?"_ Derek thought angrily.

"Well Addison," Mark began to answer her. "Meredith and I are just going to get… acquainted… study… we're going to do some… stuff. In my room. Very frustrating stuff, so just ignore the screams…." Mark grinned, but Meredith noticed it was a different grin, an angrier one. Addison's jaw dropped as Mark led Meredith to his room.

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Derek watched them leave and his jaw tightened even more when he heard the lock turn. He started to stride towards Mark's door but stopped and turned on his heel.

Fine. If this was how she was going to play it… that was low, going after his best friend, his best fucking friend. Ex-best friend, if he heard even one whimper that sounded suspicious coming from that room, he _would break down that door_.

Meredith was his. They both knew it, no matter how fucked up things had gotten, she was his. His only, the minute things got straightened out he would claim her as his own, over and over again in the only way he knew how. He would make her say that she was his and his alone, that she belonged to him, to never let another man touch her again.

The thought was making him slightly hard and he swallowed before going to the kitchen to get a glass of cold water. He drank it slowly, letting it pour down his throat and he took a deep breath before going to the living room.

Addison was still in the middle of the room, frozen as she looked at Mark's door, her jaw still open. Derek gave her a strange look before scooping her up in his arms and taking her to his room.

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Meredith laughed.

"So seriously, what the hell was up with that line you first used?"

Mark chuckled. "I was nervous, I've never used a line before that I didn't actually mean."

Meredith opened her mouth to say something when she heard a noise from a near by room. She furrowed her brow as she struggled to hear it and when she did she gasped. The sound of a body being pressed against a door, and a soft moan was all she needed to hear to confirm her worst fears. She started to cry softly and when Mark heard what was going on he went to his stereo and started to blast the music. He held her as she cried against his shirt and a moment later there was a knock at the door. He laid her down on his bed and she held onto the pillow, crying into it as he went to unlock his door. He opened it a little and scowled at Derek.

"What do you want?"

"Could you turn it down in here?" A shirtless, very agitated Derek huffed. Having sex, rather trying to have sex with Addison was not on his list of things that brought him endless joy, but if Meredith was doing… whatever it was she was doing with Mark, then so be it. Just then he caught site of her sobbing on Mark's bed and his eyes widened.

"What the hell did you do to her?" He shouted and he pushed by Mark. In an instant he was by her side, pushing her hair off her face gently.

"Mer, what's wrong?" He asked trying to soothe her, forgetting all about his anger for one moment.

"No-nothing! Just go back to your girlfriend! Your fucking perfect, Isabella Rossellini girlfriend! I'm not your bed warmer anymore, I'm not you damn dirty mistress!" She yelled at him before curling up even more.

Derek stayed there for a moment shocked at her outburst.

"Bed… bed warmer? Dirty mistress? Is that… is what you thought you were?" He said to no one in particular.

"You're… God, Mer…" He quickly moved away from her, feeling sick to his stomach at what she had said. She was _anything_ but his bed warmer and she wasn't his mistress she was his… everything.

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_**AN: So, I'm not sure if I'm entirely happy with this chapter. Because a lot of stuff happened but it was kind of awkward for me to write it. I don't know why it just was. I knew that I wanted to have Mark take Mer back to his and Derek's. I knew that I wanted Derek to be pissed and I knew I wanted a reaction from Addison. The implied start of Addek sex though was completely unplanned though. Let me tell you, I was seriously choking back some McVomit when I wrote that. And then the other stuff kind of got planned as soon as that stuff happened. Derek knows what Meredith thinks she is now, and it makes him sick, literally. Because she's so much more to him than that, he can't even comprehend how she could think that little of herself, of them and he just… can't believe it. So yeah. This chapter was basically just about anger, jealousy, and plots. And then… I guess deep down there's some love. He didn't feel that way for nothing.**_

_**Oh, and happy birthday to me:D**_

_**Lol.**_

**_You guys… as always, your reviews just… yeah, I'm going to stop talking now, because I could go on forever trying to find words. So thank you, really, they mean so much to me. Final chapter? Not for awhile yet, but when it comes there's going to be a big list to you guys. Thank you so much._**

_**As always, thank you for reading and please review!**_

_**-Mer/Em**_


	12. Chapter 12

_**Disclaimer: If I owned GA, tomorrow's episode would open with lots and lots of MERDER sex after Derek kisses her in bed. And after he smells her hair. Yeah, read the authors note at the end.**_

It had been weeks since the fight. Weeks since Derek had seen Mark and Meredith disappear into a room. Weeks since he'd seen her crying on Mark's bed. Weeks since she'd discovered Addison.

Weeks since she'd told him she was just his bed warmer.

Weeks later and he still felt like being sick when he replayed the scene in his head.

He had to do something. Everything was driving him into the ground, he was failing all his best classes and Addison had stopped pestering him about them. Not that he was all that unhappy about that; it was a relief, but still. He was completely unapproachable to everyone.

There was a knock on his door and he got up to answer it. Addison stood there, wringing her hands, her eyes somewhat glassy with unshed tears. He frowned with concern.

"Addie, what's wrong?"

She licked her lips before opening her mouth.

"Derek… we need to talk."

He looked at her for a moment before sighing and nodding, opening the door further and ushering her in.

"We do." He said wearily.

She stepped inside and walked to the living room, sitting down on the couch.

He sat next to her and rubbed his eyes.

"Addison-"

"Derek, I'm sorry." She blurted out and a few tears leaked from her eyes. He looked at her confused. "Sorry about what?" Her shoulders began to shake and the tears came even faster. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, it's just… he was there, and you weren't, I was lonely we hadn't called." She continued to cry and Derek's frown deepened. "Sorry about what?"

"I… I… Mark and I, we…" Derek stiffened. "Mark and you what?" She swallowed and her lip trembled, her desperate cries subsided. "We… last year. It was exams and I was so stressed. And lonely. Mark came for a visit. And it just made me so sad because… he came and you hadn't… it made me think about what we had shared before us…" Derek sat up even straighter, and his eyes pierced through her.

"Addison, what are you saying?" He asked, his voice rising slightly.

"I slept with Mark." She whispered and he stood up quickly. "You what?" He hissed with deadly venom.

"I slept with Mark!" She screamed. "Last year, when you were ignoring me. You two, you're the same age, you're in the same classes and somehow he manages to take time to come visit me and I'm not even his girlfriend!"

"No, you're just his ex whose pants he still wants to get it!" Derek shouted and Addison stood up angrily. "Well at least he cares enough for me to make sure I'm not lonely!" She yelled and Derek laughed harshly. "Oh, so your brilliant plan was to sleep with your ex just to get my attention?"

"Like you haven't done the same!" She screamed. "I heard what that slutty girl said to you three weeks ago! Bed warmer? Really Derek, is that what five years means to you?"

"Don't you dare talk to me about five years." He said, his voice quieting as it took on a steely edge.

"I slept with Mark once! You've slept with her more than that--"

"You've slept with Mark more times in the last ten years than I've slept with Meredith in my whole life."

"Oh what, how many times have you screwed the lusty first year?"

"Don't you dare talk about her that way." His eyes flashed with white hot anger.

Addison let out a bitter laugh. "Derek, you can't be serious. You've known her for three weeks at most and you've already slept with her, and now you're defending her name as if she has any to be worth defending?"

"You're doing the same with Mark." He shot back.

"At least I've known him long enough to do that." She said.

"Derek," She started quietly, moving to him. "We can fix this… we can fix us. Mark was… forever ago. And this… this girl is not going to come between us. I forgive you-"

"Forgive me for what." It wasn't a question, it was a statement. "How do you…" He swallowed and he looked her in the eyes. His own were shining and his jaw was clenching and unclenching as it always did when he was struggling to control an intense emotion. "Forgive me for sleeping with her? Forgive me for having fun with her? Forgive me for trying to be friends with her?" He placed his hands on her shoulders so she couldn't look away. "Or forgive me for falling so head over heels in love with her I can't think straight when she's not near me." Addison gasped but he continued. "Maybe forgive me for making love to her. Forgive me for wanting her more than… anything. Forgive me for making a mistake that I could never, ever regret, even if I wanted to. Forgive me for hurting her?" He took a deep breath. "Fine. Forgive me for everything. Everything but the last, because I don't expect you to do something even I'm not able to do." He finished quietly before letting go of her shoulders. Everything was silent for a few moments.

"You fell in love with her?" Addison asked in a small voice. A smile graced his face. "Yeah…"

Silence again and then.

"You know it won't last right?" She asked and he turned to her.

"This infatuation or whatever it is. It won't last. She's just the hot chick you want to screw, she means nothing to you. Because we've been in love for five years and sure we made mistakes but at the end of the day it's us. We're… we're Addison and Derek." She said, laying a hand on his arm. He tore his arm from hers, a million thoughts running through his head.

He could throw her out right now for even trying to make his feelings for Meredith sound like a passing fling, but still her words struck a chord in him… and he thought, just for a moment he thought…

_What if she's right?_

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Meredith wasn't doing well. Ever since she had heard Addison and Derek… ever since they'd had what turned into a one sided talk…

Ever since she saw his reaction when she called herself his bed warmer.

She wasn't blind, she'd seen his face, heard his voice. He was definitely upset, beyond upset. And she had done that to him. She tried to reason with herself that he'd done much worse to her, and he'd done it to her first, but she still felt awful.

Her daily routine now consisted of getting up, showering, maybe brushing her hair before getting dressed in whatever was laying around, class, home, home work, bed. She rarely had time to eat and as a result she'd grown thinner in appearance, her weight staying more or less the same.

Mark had been hanging out with her more and more, both sharing each other's misery. He was doing slightly better than her, not much but at least he was eating and living his life. She was a shell of a person who just existed and he was… a man whore.

"Meredith, you have to eat something." He said to her. They were in a coffee shop and he had ordered two cappuccinos and a muffin stick for himself. She on the other hand refused to eat anything. Not so much refuse as insist that there wasn't anything she liked.

"I'm fine." She murmured, flipping a page in her book while taking another sip of he drink. He sighed and ripped his muffin in half, shoving the piece at her.

"Meredith Grey, eat this. Now. I'll shove it in your mouth, I'll do whatever I have to do, just eat." He commanded her.

She opened her mouth to protest but closed it when she saw the glare he was giving her. She grabbed it from him and took a quick bite.

Warmth seemed to spread through her body, stemming from her heart to the very tips of her fingers. She let out a satisfied moan as she slowly chewed before swallowing and taking another sip of her drink. Everything was much more enjoyable now that she had some food in her.

"Good." Mark said in approval of her actions.

"Now. Do you need to talk?" He asked her and she gave him a quizzical look. "About what?"

"Meredith, you look like hell-"

"Thanks."

"And you don't do anything. You don't eat, all you do is sleep, study and shower that's it."

'That's not true." She insisted.

"No?" 

"No. I uh… I walk to class. And brush my hair, you forgot I brush my hair."

He frowned as he looked at her.

"Looks to me like I'm not the one who forgot."

She placed a hand on her extremely unkempt pony tail in an attempt to straighten it.

"My hair is fine." She said and Mark snorted. "If he bull dozer is what you used to style it then yeah. Sorry." He apologized as he noted the hurt look on her face.

"It's just... I know that it was awful. Everything was bad, they were…." He made hand gestures. "You know… and it was terrible, but it's not the end of the world."

"I know." She said quietly.

"So stop acting like it." He said with a sigh.

"Look… this is not the way to get Derek to notice you. Not at all."

"Yeah, because he noticed me so well the other night." She said sarcastically.

"And what the hell was with that fucked up plan of yours? It didn't work at all, I don't even see how it could have worked. Are you sure that brain of yours is working?" She snapped.

"Yes, I'm… that's not the point. It did work. Did you see his face? Did you even look at him, really look at him? He was absolutely-"

"Furious, I know, but so what."

He blinked at her before answering.

"So what? Meredith, Derek doesn't get jealous. The last time he got jealous was when we were five and in Kindergarten and I got an extra graham cracker at snack time. Derek doesn't get jealous unless it's for something he has an intense want for, deeper than anything."

Meredith smiled softly at the image of a tiny Derek and a tiny Mark, one sulking in the corner while the other repeatedly dunked soggy cracker in milk.

"So then why didn't he tell me about Addison?" She asked softly.

"Because…." Mark sighed and sat back in his chair. "Probably because talking about Addison would mean talking about me, and us and reopening old wounds. Probably because… I don't know, Derek's head works in weird ways. And everything is connected in some twisted way. Even if it doesn't make sense to a human, it make sense to Derek Shepherd." He said and she looked up, curious.

"Before Derek and Addison… there was Addison and Mark." He explained and her jaw dropped.

"Addie and I met in High School, and we dated for four years. We broke it off before college and then she met Derek. Derek had no idea that she had been my girlfriend and when he found out he was angry. He made all sorts of accusations… took everyone weeks to sort it out, months! He wouldn't talk to me at all, and he barely gave Addie the time of day. We never really did get over it especially when…"

He trailed off.

"Go on." Meredith urged him.

"When he found out that Addie and I had made a plan to get married… not soon, but in the future, after med school." He finished in a low voice.

"Oh Mark…" She placed a hand on his for comfort. He gave her a small grin. "And Mark the Man whore was born." They chuckled a little and he finished his drink.

"_I watch you spin around in the highest heels."_

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_**AN: There was completely a point to why the history between Mark and Addie was mentioned. And it was supposed to be connected, Mark was supposed to connect it for you. But as I was writing, my idea just totally blanked from me. Unbelievable frustrating. So I came up with the idea with the idea that it makes sense to Derek and that's all that matters. Because lets face it, Derek does kind of think inside the box, his own box. But I still apologize for the crappy writing on that part. **_

_**And this is another chapter I'm not too sure about. I like some parts, I really do, but I had all this important stuff to write and I wasn't sure how to get it across. So I just had to write. I might come back and edit and add some stuff later to try to make it better. **_

_**Ugh, this update was a mistake.**_

_**Anyway… so there's history between Mark and Addison. And she slept with him once during last year. Yes, it was actually only once. For real. Trust me, Addison, she confides in me. LOL. And for some reason she feels the urge to tell Derek. This is because of the way he's been acting. She thinks that he might know, or suspect something when he's acting this way for a totally different reason. So she spills the beans and that just makes Derek feel betrayed. Even if he doesn't love her like that, it's still a betrayal. And she suspects stuff between him and Meredith. And she's right, but she's blind to the fact that he really has fallen in love with her. **_

_**And woohoo! He actually says it this time. He says everything. Out loud. To her face.**_

_**And what does she do? Make him doubt himself.**_

_**Silly Satan, love is for humans! You wouldn't know what that is.**_

_**Ok, that's mean, I love Addison. Just not MY Addison, at least not right now. **_

_**Mark and Meredith… they're just coping. And talking. And limping through a very bad, bad situation. And she wants to know what the hell was up with that so called plan Mark had. And honestly? So do I.**_

_**I think that just about covers it. Comments? Questions? Concerns?  
**_

_**Leave a review and I'll get back to you. :D**_

**_And you guys! Awwww!!! Thanks soo much for the happy birthday wishes!! It was fun, it really was. And thanks for the reviews in general! You guys… really, I'm telling you, ROCKSTARS! Oh, and we get MerDer action tomorrow. Or tonight, however you wanna look at it. Previews? He smells her hair at the hospital, and he's kissing her in bed, and he's on top of her. Goody goody!!_**

_**Thanks for reading, please review!**_

_**-Mer/Em**_


	13. Chapter 13

_**Disclaimer: Did you see those scenes last night? If that were mine…. ::trails off wistfully::**_

_**So you didn't get an update last night because of several reasons. Number one I had a splitting headache. Literally, I felt like my skull was going to break. And second? Well… it's almost always impossible for me to write after Grey's. And those MerDer scenes? Per.Fec.Tion. Seriously. 8…7…6… And all that stuff where Derek's talking about her? Ok, I'll talk more later. Right now? Onward!**_

_He was kissing her. He was kissing her furiously, his lips trailed up and down her smooth neck, he was pulling her hair, holding her body against his, grinding his hips roughly against hers. Moans and cries were coming from her throat, pleas for him to keep going, to never stop. She wanted him, that much was obvious, and he needed her. God, he needed to be inside of her, that's all that mattered. He was finding it hard to function and if he didn't have her soon he didn't know what he would do. _

"_Derek…." She murmured as he pressed kisses to her neck, nipping her skin every now and then. "Derek… please." She begged him as he thrust his hips against hers again, wanting their clothes to disappear. She ran her hands down his back, crying out gently when he unbuttoned her pants and started to slide them to the floor. He picked her up and in a blink of his eye they were on a bed. Rolling, crying, thrusting, kissing, panting. This was them and this was incredible. She was amazing and he didn't think he could ever live without her. _

"_Derek!' She screamed his name as she finished and he followed shortly after, groaning her name repeatedly. He kissed her mouth, a smile starting to form and as he rolled off her he pulled her close. _

"_I love you." Meredith whispered breathlessly. He tilted her chin up and he kissed her softly. "I love you too."_

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"Derek? Derek! Derek, wake up!"

He felt a sharp pain on his cheek and he let out a groan.

"Wasthatfor?" He grumbled, rubbing his cheek and opening his eyes that were clouded with sleep.

"You were having quite the shout and scream fest." Mark said. "And you were saying Meredith's name. You should be glad that you don't have Addie with you."

Derek blinked, trying to get his bearings. He had fallen asleep last night after forcing Addison out… after she'd accused him of having nothing more than an infatuation for Meredith. And then… he'd had a few drinks, but not too much and then he'd just collapsed on his bed.

And the dream.

He clenched his jaw as he thought of it. He'd had a dream about Meredith that could easily mean Addison had been right… but then the end….

"_I love you."_

Her voice echoed in his mind.

Wait a moment.

Mark.

His head snapped up, eyes flashing. "What the fuck are you doing here?" He growled. Mark crossed his arms, his jaw set.

"I live here."

Derek got up and took a moment to get his footing. "Not for long." He muttered and Mark sighed.

"Derek, look. I didn't come here for a fight, I didn't even come here because I wanted to, I came here because of Meredith."

In two steps Derek was in front of him, fear in his eyes. "Meredith? What happened, what's wrong? Is she ok? Where is she?" He fired question after question at him.

"Derek, slow down. Nothing's wrong… yet." Mark said. He sighed and ran a hand down his face. "Derek… she hasn't… have you seen her lately?"

"No. She does a pretty good job at avoiding people she doesn't want to see." Derek replied, running a hand through his hair, taking a small step.

"So help me, if you start pacing I'm going to throw you out the window." Mark mumbled and Derek shot him a look.

"What's wrong with her?" He asked, his voice low, trying to control all of his emotions. Anger and annoyance towards Mark, love, frustration and worry towards Meredith.

"She's not herself. She doesn't do anything, she barely eats. I went to coffee with her the other day and she only had half of my muffin stick."

Derek whirled on Mark, his eyes wide and terrified, fists clenched.

"Half of your wh-"

"My actual muffin stick Derek." Mark rolled his eyes.

"Derek… this fighting with you two, it has to stop. She's broken and you are too."

"I'm fine."

"Yeah. That's why you want to kill me and you ignore your girlfriend, sending her into crying fits so often she can be the sprinkler for the campus lawns." Mark said.

"I don't care about her." Derek said sharply and Mark narrowed his eyes. "Derek, whether you love her or not, she's still a human being."

"She's Satan." Derek scoffed and Mark took a step forward. "Say that one more time about her-"

"She's Satan and you're Satan's Whore!" Derek shouted. In a moment Mark had him pinned against the wall.

"Don't you _ever_ talk that way about her ever again." He said in a deadly voice.

"Meredith is close to the edge here Derek. She's given up. On everything, she's given up. She's nothing but a zombie. The only time she's left her dorm room is to go to class or… somewhere else. She has coffee with me once every two weeks, and once a month or so she takes off to God only knows where. She just leaves, and those are the only time she ever gets out. She's wasting away Derek. Why the fuck can't you see that?"

"I told you she won't let me." Derek replied quietly. Mark let go of him.

"Go to your spot. You'll find something there."

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Meredith sat in the grove, leaning against a tree, books sprawled out around her, notebooks covered with scribbled and barely held together by the binding being tossed around with them. Currently she was trying to figure out what piece of text could be of more use to her. She sighed and leaned her head against the tree. She looked up at the sunlight filtering through the leaves and she blinked. She'd done this before but she'd been in someone else's arms… her "friends" arms….

"_Derek stop! I'm trying to study!" Meredith laughed. _

"_That's all you ever do." He complained as he dragged her into his lap. This was probably more than a friend should do, but right now? Just in that moment? He didn't care. _

_Her eyes sparkled with laughter as she looked at him. "Derek, I'm in college. A freshman, I have to study. I'm not going to spend the rest of my years here wasted like I did in high school."_

_He frowned. "Can't you at least take a break?"_

_His gaze finally broke her and she sighed. She rested her head on the crook in his shoulder and closed her eyes. She was exhausted and she hadn't realized how much so until now. She could hear him breathing steadily and he rested his chin on her head, breathing in deeply. _

"_You smell nice… like some kind of flower or…."_

_They were silent for a few moments, enjoying each other's company. _

"_Lavender." She said softly and he lifted his chin. She readjusted her head, curling closer to him in his arms. "My hair smells like lavender from my conditioner…." She murmured._

_He mulled this over a small smile forming on his face. "Lavender…."_

Meredith had fallen fast asleep against the tree, her books forgotten on the ground as she dreamed a pleasant memory.

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"_Go to your spot. Go to your spot. I'll show him go to your spot, I'll shove our spot up his ass."_ Derek thought angrily to himself as he walked to the grove. He angrily shoved the branches aside, and one of them scratched his arm. He cursed as he quickly pressed his hand over it and he looked around. It took barely a second for his eyes to land on her.

Meredith was fast asleep against a tree, items scattered around her. A soft snoring sound filled the otherwise silent atmosphere and he smiled a little to himself. He walked quietly, getting closer and closer. He hadn't seen her in weeks and now she was finally right there in front of him. He walked quicker and before long he stood over her. He knelt beside her, smiling softly, but as he pushed a few strands of hair away from her face, it turned to a frown.

She was thinner. Her lips were pale, her hair didn't have its usual shine. Her eyes were exhausted, even as she slept, with dark circles lining them.

"Meredith…." He whispered. He stroked her cheek gently but she stayed asleep. He shoved her books out of the way and sat next to her. He pulled her into his arms, and he was horrified by how light she felt and how limp she was.

"Meredith." He said again, a little louder this time. He clenched his jaw and pressed a kiss to the top of her head, closing his eyes tightly.

What had they done? What had she done? What had he done…?

He placed his chin on top of her head and held her tight. He should have told her about Addison. Broken it off with Addie before it all, done anything but what he had done. No wonder she thought she was his bed warmer… he couldn't blame her, but she had no idea how dead wrong she was.

She stretched in his arms a little and yawned. Her eyes fluttered open slightly and she swallowed several times. It took her a moment to realize that she was being held, that her head was pressed against a masculine chest, and that…

That she felt complete.

Derek loosened his grip on her slightly so she could see who was holding her. Her eyes widened and filled with tears when she saw him and she made a move to scramble off is lap, but he held her fast.

"Meredith… we need to talk." He said quietly, cupping her face. She looked at him, her mouth trembling.

"Derek, let me go…. Please…." She begged. He shook his head. "No… we need to talk…"

He brought her head back to his shoulder again and held her there for a moment.

"I'm sorry… for everything, I'm sorry. I'm so, so, sorry." He murmured, his voice breaking a little.

He took a deep breath before he started to explain.

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_**Ok the dream in the beginning? Totally unplanned. I wrote that at six thirty in the morning because I was still on a high from the MerDer sex last night. So what if we didn't see it, it was the most we've gotten since 3x09. Because I read the writers blog and apparently that was "sex on the horizon" for them there. So goody!!**_

_**Everything else? Planned. Except for Mer's memory. I knew I wanted Derek to find her in their spot. I knew I wanted her to be asleep, so that way she would have all her shields down, and he would really be able to see her. Not look, see. And he did and it broke him. So now he's going to talk with her. I could have continued, but it's late and the chapter already overflowed a few lines already. **_

_**All in all, I think this chapter is pretty self-explanatory. But if you have any questions, comments, concerns, just review! I'll get back to you!**_

_**And last nights episode… do I really need to tell you how amazing it was? If you really wanna know, just mention it in a review or PM, and we can have a nice long chat. I'm very open to talking about Grey's, no matter what:D**_

_**Thanks for reading and please review!**_

_**8…7…6… 5, 4….**_

_**-Mer/Em**_


	14. Chapter 14

_**Disclaimer: Hey guys! Shonda here! Guess what, Grey's Anatomy is going to be new this Thursday! In fact we're having a new episode every single week for the rest of the series, with no hiatus EVER! We're negotiating with ABC to let us show some steamy Merder sex, and by next year we should be getting a new plan together to show a new episode every HOUR of every day! **_

_**Seriously? If Shonda wrote that and it was true I would die. But that was me. And I'm not Shonda. So it's not true. See where I'm going with this?**_

_**And the beloved Rated M rope makes another appearance here. LOL. I wasn't sure of where to stick it so it's kind of just in a place where I thought it was needed. Enjoy! Lol.**_

"Derek… we don't have to talk… I get it, you have a girlfriend."

"No, Meredith, you don't get it." Derek sighed. He pulled her closer when she tried to move again.

"Derek-" She tried to speak again but was cut off by an insistent kiss from him. He had to force himself to pull away when he finally did. It had been so long since he'd done that, so long since he'd had her lip on his, and he'd missed the feeling of them yet at the same time he'd never forgotten the feeling. It was like he had burned them into his memory, and an imprint of them were forever on his own.

"I don't love her." He said quietly. She shook her head quickly. "Derek, no, don't say that." He kissed her again, effectively cutting her off.

"I. Don't. Love. Her." He said slowly, looking her in the eyes.

"I don't… I don't think I have in a long time. I think I might have at one point a long time ago I just… we spent time apart and I got to remember what my life-"

"What your life was like." She whispered and he nodded.

"But when I was with you…." His voice dropped and he stroked her cheek. She bit her lip and closed her eyes, turning her face slightly into his hand. She felt pathetic, she hadn't touched him like this in weeks and now she was sitting in his arms and he was touching her and her body was crying out with sweet relief at having him again.

"When I was with you I was… I was myself. There was no changing and you made me… me." He whispered, his mouth by her ear now.

"I don't expect you to forgive me for hurting you… I could never do that so why should you? But please Mer… don't walk away from us. Just give me a chance. Give me a chance to end it with Addie and I'll do it, I swear I will." He pleaded softly with her.

She opened her eyes and looked at him.

"How do I know that… how do I know that you're not going to break your promise?" She whispered.

"Because I can't. I can't even imagine trying to."

Meredith looked at him for a moment. She searched his eyes and saw the desperation they held, needing her to believe him. She looked away for a moment thinking. When she returned to his face again, she found it worried. Worried that she would say no.

"I… slow. Whatever this is, whatever we are, this has to be slow. And I'm not forgiving you anytime soon."

He nodded but she could see how this pained him.

"I wouldn't expect you to."

"And… Addison, you have to end it with her. But you can't end it… you have to be gentle. Because she's been with you for five years and-"

"How do you know?" He asked her, confused.

"Know what?"

"About me and Addie? And how long we've been together?"

"Oh… Mark, the other day, he told me…." She said softly.

"Everything?"

"What defines everything?"

"About how long we've been together?"

"Yeah…" She admitted. "And a bit more."

Before he could ask anymore questions his phone cut him off. He sighed and reached into his pocket. A dark look fell on his face as he saw who it was and he picked it up.

"What do you want?" He asked, struggling to keep his voice patient.

"No… no, I don't want you to come over. I don't want to come over to you. No, I don't want to meet anywhere! We're not Derek and… we aren't. Why? Because I'm in-"

He paused for a moment.

"Because I'm with someone else. No, I- forget it." He slammed his phone shut and sighed with frustration. Meredith looked at him with concern, an unpleasant feeling in her stomach.

"Who…?"

"Addison. She's not letting go. She doesn't have any grounds to keep this going, it's not like we're married but… she's going to make this as difficult as possible." He let out a harsh laugh. "Not that'd I'd expect her to do anything different." He muttered.

Meredith looked at him for a moment. She hadn't planned for this. She was supposed to wait to make him prove himself. This was stupid and ridiculous and just like one of those stupid books with the people on the cover that are wrapped in an embrace. But he was already broken and now Addison was ripping him apart at the seams, taking his life from him, taking his spirit. She didn't know if she could replace it, but she could try.

She shifted her position in his lap and he looked at her. He opened his mouth to ask her what she was doing but he was cut off by a kiss.

::Rated M :: Rated M:: Rated M:: Rated M:: Rated M:: Rated M:: Rated M:: Rated M:: Rated M:: Rated M: Rated M:: Rated M:: Rated M:: Rated M:: Rated M:: Rated M::

It started out slow. She was pouring all of her emotions into him and he drank them in, replacing hers with his own. In that moment they were one, exchanging everything they felt for one another and the outside world. She grabbed his face and the kiss deepened. He wrapped his hands around her back and held her tighter to him as he groaned against her mouth. Tongues clashed and lips moved as they desperately tried to get closer to the other. Meredith started to rock on him and he thrust his hips up against hers. She whimpered and broke the kiss.

"Derek… need you." She whispered. He slowly lay her down on the ground.

"Mer… are you sure? We're… and Addison." He said roughly. She dragged his lips down to hers once again and kissed him.

"Please Derek." She whispered and her hands moved to his belt. She unbuckled it and then started to desperately fumble with the button on his jeans. She unzipped them, and he unsnapped her pants, and yanked the zipper down, forcing the edges just past her hips.

"Mer…" He groaned her name as he pulled her panties down. He slid one finger into her and she bucked her hips slightly and he leant down to kiss her stomach. He pulled it out before moving up and kissing her with a slow passion as he thrust slowly inside of her.

She moaned against his mouth, arching her back up from the ground and he broke the kiss.

"Sssh." He murmured into her neck as he started to slide in and out of her. She bit her lip and clenched her fists, a soft cry escaping her mouth every now and then. He pressed a kiss to her neck, groaning and starting to thrust harder and faster. Their rhythm was something only they could create. He'd never had this with anyone before and she was pretty sure she hadn't either. Each thrust from him brought her closer to the edge, and a fire built in her stomach that was growing higher and higher.

"Derek…" She moaned. She held tightly to his shoulder and he trailed kisses down her shoulder, moving her shirt out of the way. He started moving faster and faster at a desperate pace.

"Fuck Mer… Mer, oh God Mer…" He murmured. He could feel her growing tighter around him and he sped up.

"Derek!" She screamed his name and he quickly kissed her to cover it as he thrust jerkily a few more times before groaning as he released inside of her. She pulled him close and he placed a soft kiss on her forehead. They murmured a few incoherent words to each other and she brushed the few curls that had fallen down from his hair away from his sweating forehead. He gave her a tired smile before pulling out and rolling off, holding her close, both of them still struggling to breathe.

::Rated M:: Rated M:: Rated M:: Rated M:: Rated M:: Rated M:: Rated M:: Rated M:: Rated M:: Rated M:: Rated M:: Rated M:: Rated M:: Rated M:: Rated M:: Rated M::

"That was… intense." She said with a gasp. He nodded and kissed the top of her head.

"Yeah… it was… it was great."

She grinned a little and lifted her head to look at him. 

"Amazing. Astounding. Wonderful." She said and he laughed.

"How about another round?" She said, her voice dropping and he stared at her. "Mer, seriously? We can't breathe and you want to-"

"I'm breathing fine." She retorted. It was true, her breathing had calmed down slightly but it was still coming in deep, shaky gusts. "Just because you're so old doesn't mean I have to be deprived." She said with laughter in her eyes.

He stared at her for a moment before laughing. "I'm old? If I'm old then you're a gold digger-"

"No gold to dig." She murmured, kissing his jaw.

"And I'm extremely agile for my age. I think you had a sample of the… acrobatics I can do a few minutes ago. You were screaming… with glee." He mumbled.

In the blink of an eye he'd flipped him so he lay over her and she laughed as he started to kiss her collar bone.

"Sorry Mr. Shepherd, I do believe you've proven me wrong." She laughed. It turned to a moan when he started to nip at her neck.

"Derek… we need to go." She murmured.

"Yeah." He agreed but he didn't stop.

"Derek, what did I say?" She said, shuddering beneath him, as his hand moved to massage her breast, rubbing his thumbs over it over and over.

"Seriously…" He mumbled.

"Seriously, Derek… we're taking it slow." She fought a cry on the last word and she felt him grin against her skin.

"I can take it slow… I can take it incredibly slow." He whispered roughly as he kissed her earlobe.

"We have to take it slower than that. And we've already had sex-"

"Mer, it was just our third time."

"And we see how well the other two times have started. Derek, we need to get out of here at least… find a bed." 

"But I like it here." He mumbled.

"Derek." She warned him. "I will leave you if we don't go right now." She said and his head snapped up.

"You wouldn't." He said quietly. She saw the worry in his eyes and sighed.

"No, I wouldn't. I couldn't. But I'd try, and there'd definitely be no sex for you." She said softly as she rested her hand on his cheek. With a reluctant sigh he got up and they straightened their clothes. He draped his arm loosely around her waist and he kissed her temple as they left the grove.

"Where to?" He asked her smiling.

_The talking leads to touching, and the touching leads to sex. And then there is no mystery left._

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_**Sorry this update took longer. It was supposed to be up Saturday. Then yesterday. So you get it today. Because Derek wanted things to go as simple as possible. He wanted to apologize to Mer, say he was leaving Addie even if she made things difficult and then… well, Derek really, REALLY wanted sex. A lot of sex, but only sex from Mer. I'm talking a ridiculous amount here. But I didn't want to give it to him. Because he doesn't need it and it wasn't necessary for the story. But he was stubborn as all hell, so we compromised. Sort of.**_

_**So they talked. But they are no where near done. See how they got cut off there? By Derek's phone? And then the sex came because Mer hates to see Derek like this, and sex can make him feel better. So instead of finishing the talk they had sex. Really good sex that they've been wanting for weeks. And now they're going to have more. Because as far as Derek's concerned, he and Addison are over, even if Addie doesn't want to let go.**_

_**And just so you're not worried, Derek was talking with Addison on the phone. He doesn't have anymore hidden girlfriends or wives or fiancés or dirty mistresses. **_

**_And back to the talk. I hate to tell you this, but it's not going to be quite that easy. This will be revisited several times after they continue the talk, whenever that is. They have issues and they don't always share things with each other. So stuff might just slip in a fight or two._**

_**Ok, so I THINK that's it. But if you have any questions, comments, concerns, and possibly even requests, just review and let me know! I don't bite, I promise!**_

_**Fine, to make it sound like I'm not fishing for reviews, you can PM me too lol. **_

_**Oh yeah. Surprise! The song line at the end actually wasn't from Stolen. ::No, REALY!?!:: LOL. Portions for Foxes. Because that line fit perfectly.**_

_**Hovering out – **_

_**Meredith/Em**_


	15. Chapter 15

**_Disclaimer: Ok. Here it is. Your choice? It's simple. Review or don't review. And I know it's really easy to just read and leave. But guys? I love them. In a really, really big… pretend to like your taste in wording… let you have the last say in ending… update often so you can't get your fill… unfortunate way that makes me-_**

_**HOLD IT!**_

**_Ok, not a speech that Shonda would make. Or anyone with ABC. Seriously._**

Sex is good.

Especially sex with Derek.

All we've done since he told me about everything is have endless amounts of glorious sex. Usually in my dorm because Addison keeps popping into his place at unexpected times. The last thing we need on our hands right now is another shout fest. Besides, Derek and I have had enough angry sex. Angry for him, I let him take his anger out on me. And I won't lie, angry sex with Derek is almost better than any other sex. It hurts sometimes, but then there's something else that I don't get during regular sex, but still, we've had enough. So for one full week, we've done nothing in our time together but exchange pleasantries before he's attacked me and we're unclothed, taking each other wherever we are. Seriously, it's where ever. After the grove we spent the afternoon at my dorm. The next day it was a corner in the library. I nearly killed him for that one, we almost got caught. For the next two days it was an abandoned class room we had discovered and the remaining days were wherever we could find. We actually had sex at a party… out in the open. In a dark corner. That was both our faults.

Sex with Derek also robs me of any air I may have stored up at one point. Lying here curled up in his arms right now, I am seriously having trouble breathing. He isn't much better off, but his lungs are bigger than mine so of course he'll regain it in a few deep breaths. Stupid lungs.

Derek started to kiss my neck again, slowly moving down my shoulder.

"Der… still can't breathe." I gasp. He frowned a little and brushed a few strands of hair away from my face.

"Are you alright?" He asked, his voice heavy with concern and I smiled softly at him. "I'm perfect. Except for the lack of oxygen." I said, laughing. He chuckled and leaned down to kiss me gently. His lips fit perfectly against mine and I smiled against them. He pulled back and grinned at me before dropping his head down to my neck and pressing kisses down my shoulder than back up to my ear, pausing at my collarbone to nip it gently.

"God, Derek." I moaned softly, holding tightly to my sheets. He murmured my name before the door burst open.

"Oh gross. Look, if you guys are gonna do this all the time than you need to get curtains for that bed or something. I'm getting tired of walking in on you two going at it." Cristina's voice interrupted us.

Derek sighed and rolled away from me and I sat up with a sheet held over my chest. "Cristina, what the hell are you doing back? You were supposed to be gone the whole afternoon." I glared at her.

"Trip got cut short. Just because you can't keep your legs closed around him doesn't mean I don't have the right to come back home whenever I want to." She said, throwing her things on the floor.

"I can keep… I can try." She was right, I couldn't deny Derek. It wasn't my fault that my boy… that he was so horny.

I sat there for a moment thinking. What are we? He's been avoiding Addison and she won't accept the end of their relationship, but he doesn't want to be with her. So what am I?

"Mer? What's wrong?" His voice broke through my thoughts and I looked at him. There was that concerned, caring look again.

"Nothing." I murmured but I don't think I convinced him. He looked at me for a few more moments before nodding and kissing my forehead softly.

"Ok, so I'm going to leave, and when I get back in, you two better have your clothes on." Cristina said before going to the door and opening it. She looked back at us and glared at Derek. "I mean it." She said before slamming the door.

"So how much time do we have?" Derek asked me and I sighed. "None. When Cristina says now, she means now." I climbed over him and started looking around for my clothes, tossing his towards him when I found them. I ran a hand through my hair to straighten it out once we were dressed and I turned to face him. He wrapped his arms around my waist and kissed my temple.

"Are you sure you're ok?" He asked me.

This was Derek. I couldn't lie to him.

"_He lied to you first."_ A nagging voice in the back of my head told me.

"What… what are we?" I asked him softly. He furrowed his brow. "What do you mean? We're Derek and Meredith." He frowned.

"No… I mean, what _are we_?" I stressed a few words. "You're… with Addison and-"

"I'm not with Addison." He cut me off.

"Yes, you are. Officially, yes."

"Mer, I haven't spoken with her in over a week-"

"And she still leaves voice messages asking if you want to talk, or go out, or do… whatever." I said with frustration.

"Mer, I'm sorry, I really am, but I can't make her let go."

"You have to!" I said.

"Meredith, I lo- you're the one that I'm with now. You're who I want, who I need to be with! I've ended things with Addison multiple times, but she… she's determined." He cupped her cheek.

"If people ask me who my girlfriend is, I'd say Meredith. Because you're supposed to want to be with the person. I don't want to be with Addison. Right now she's the desperate ex trying to get some attention, and you're the present person trying to get some attention." He chuckled and I hit him lightly on the arm, a soft smile on my face.

"So we're… dating?" I asked, raising an eyebrow.

"We dating." He smiled.

"Ok then." I said softly and he tipped my face up to kiss me gently, but it quickly deepened.

"Guys, I mean it!" Cristina shouted through the door and I broke the kiss, despite his protests to open the door.

"We're done." I groaned and she nodded coming into the room.

"Good. It's my room too you know, you guys need to screw each other at his place or something, my stomach can't take this anymore." She said rubbing it.

"Cristina, stop." I muttered before going back to Derek, who had his arms open ready to take me in a hug. I smiled a little as I rested my head on his shoulder and he wrapped his arms around me, one of them stroking my hair. I could feel him "breathing me in" as he liked to call it. I called it hovering. He had an annoying habit of doing it when he wanted something from me, whether it was talking or sex or just whatever.

Suddenly his phone rang and he fished in his pocket to get it out. He looked at the ID before groaning and pressing ignore. He put it back in his pocket and pulled her tighter to him.

It must have been Addison. He always needs me more than anything after she calls. It's getting to him, all of the repeated calls and emails, and all the calls and messages that he has to return to say they're over. And then the cycle starts all over again. Suddenly I feel immensely guilty for snapping at him before. I bury my head in his neck and he kisses the top of it. This time he really is breathing me in and I can feel the change in him already. He's calmer, his muscles aren't as tense. I think it has something to do with the lavender, it can't be because of me.

"You know… tonight we could just… sleep." He murmurs to him, his voice muffled slightly from my hair. I nod carefully. "Yeah… sleep would be good." I said and with a final kiss on the head, he sighs, pulling away.

"I have to go to class." He said regretfully, his eyes telling me that if he could stay here he would. I nod and give him a quick kiss on the lips, quick but deep, and he waves at Cristina before leaving. I stare at the door for a moment before turning and sitting on my bed, pulling the blanket up around me.

"Cristina, why's it so cold in here?" I ask her.

"Heat's broken, someone's supposed to fix it sometime this week." She says, turning to look at me.

"So you and McDreamy?" She says, her eyebrows raised.

"Yes, me and McDreamy." I concede to her inquisitive gaze.

"But doesn't he have a girlfriend?" She asked.

"No… I'm his girlfriend." I say, the words tasting strange in my mouth. I, Meredith Grey, am Derek Shepherd's girlfriend.

Strange.

"No, not you. I mean the red head. Remember her? Tall, lots of red hair, leggy as all hell, sickeningly sweet and sneery? Satan?"

"No… he's with me and he's trying to break things off with her."

"Mer, how do you know that? What if he's just stringing you along? What if he's fucking both of you?"

I feel my chest tighten and my eyes start to sting at that remark. "We're not… Cristina, he's with me. He doesn't want her, she just won't let go. And what we're doing… it's more than 'fucking'." I inform her, my throat dry. I'm afraid. For the first time in more than a week I'm afraid of what's happening between me and Derek. Because her words are the same ones I've asked myself a dozen times. They're the same words that couldn't possibly be true because I have a tendency to over react. But now Cristina was saying the same thing… so it wasn't just me, others thought it too.

"He's… he's not." I said again, quietly this time. Cristina looked at me and for a moment I saw emotion flash through her otherwise… emotionless eyes. She opened her mouth to say something but closed it after a moment, thinking better of it.

What if he was? What if these phone calls from Addison were being made not because she's desperate and trying to cling to him, but because they're still together and she's trying to plan something with her… her boyfriend? What if the nights when he's not with me, he's with her, and they're in his bed and he's holding her like he holds me? I ignore the fact that he's been in my bed every night this week and continue thinking the worst. What if… class, they have class together, they have to? What if they go to the classroom and they… they make love? What if all this time has been nothing to him?

I sink further into my bed and I lie down, holding a pillow. I wasn't sure where I had picked up this comfort habit, but it always seemed to work. It smelled like him and I breathed in deeply, feeling unwelcome tears sting my cheeks. I let out a soft cry and I felt Cristina come over and she started to rub my shoulder. I held tighter to the pillow and cried louder, while Cristina tried to comfort me by gently patting my back.

I love him. God, I love him, I really do love him. But I'm scared to death. He lied to be once before about her and his current relationship status, so why wouldn't he now?

"_I wanna stay in love with my sorrow… oh, but God, I wanna let it go."_

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_**So I had another idea for this chapter, but the thing is I didn't want it to be presented from Meredith's point of view. What'd you guys think of my POV anyway? I've decided this fic is my guinea pig. It's my first AU, my first POV, my first one with the ::ahem:: explicit scenes lol, and a lot of firsts. And you guys are my test team. And you're awesome. **_

**_They had sex. A full week of sex, all the time, all the types, classrooms and all. Hmm… just realized the class room is like an exam room… I actually didn't realize that till now. Seriously! LOL. Anyway, it's perfect and she's discovering that they're together for real. Boyfriend and girlfriend, yin and yang crap. And he's trying to break it off with Addison, but she's being difficult!! Stupid Addison. Or is she? Bwahahaha. LMAO. _**

_**What now? Wait and see my friends. Wait and see….**_

_**And NO, I am NOT an evil addek fan that's out to trap many merder fans in a seemingly merder story lmao. If I were, I too would be trapped lol.**_

_**So next chapter… big stuff… emotional stuff. Angsty important issues that have to be worked through and then some. Sorry guys, I can't write the next however many chapters of this fic and have them ALL be full of fluff and happiness. I'd like that, I really would but… they're Meredith and Derek. They're perfect and they're in this for the long run, but they have issues just like everyone. And they're new, and Meredith's broken, and she's a girl with abandonment issues. **_

_**It think that just about covers it. Oh yeah, last chapter? With the "Seriously, we're taking it slow scene" based on the bathtub scene? Yeah, I had to do that. Because Derek started doing it and Mer started saying it and COME. ON. I love that scene. **_

**_And once again you guys rock my world. I feel like I know you or something! I do this with my other story, but I'm going to try to start responding to reviews more often now. It's tough with my schedule, but seriously, you guys mean that much to me. I'm glad you all like the story so much. By the way, how about that disclaimer? Lol. I was thinking it about moving it to the end but… I'm too lazy. Lol. _**

_**Song line? Lithium.**_

_**As always… thanks for reading, and please review!**_

_**-Mer/Em**_


	16. Chapter 16

_**Disclaimer: Can any disclaimer top my last one? I didn't think so. Now see if I were Shonda I would be able to come up with a better one. But my brain is kind of useless at the moment. And yet here I am writing. Recipe for disaster.**_

Derek sitting in class, trying to pay attention. He knew that there had to be something important that was coming from the hot air balloon's mouth, but he couldn't focus. Memories of him and Meredith were running through his head, and he found it hard to keep an incredibly goofy grin off his face. He felt his skin crawling though and he turned around and saw Addison staring at him with a firm look on her face. He shook his head and turned around again.

She had been doing this in all of his classes recently. Somehow she'd managed to sync their schedules so they were in every schedule. He hadn't told Meredith this because she worried enough about them with all of the secrecy and the dirty mistress label she seemed to have given herself, but he was greatly annoyed by this and he made sure that she knew it. He ignored her every chance he got which was very often since she would follow him out of each class and try to get him to talk with her. Screaming things of undying love, all of which he knew was rubbish.

The class ended and he quickly left his seat, but it wasn't long before he heard Addison calling his name.

"Fuck off Addie." He growled at her when she caught up with him. Hurt flashed across her face for a moment before it was replaced with coldness. "Derek, don't be like this. We've both made mistakes, I've told you time and time again that I'll forgive you for Meredith if you-"

"And I've told you I have no interest in your forgiveness. I won't forgive myself for loving her, so why should you." He said shortly and she sighed. "Derek, why do you think this is love? This isn't love. Love is getting to know each other, being together. She's far too young for you do you even have anything in common?" Addison asked.

"We have plenty in common. And we love… I love her. We work, we're us and that's… that's final."

The truth was, Derek really didn't know all that much about Meredith and it killed him. And when he really thought about it, she didn't know much about him either. The basics they knew of course, and some small things… like what her hair smelled like and his pacing habit, but when it came to family and friends all they knew was Mark, Cristina and Addison. That's it. He knew nothing about her mother or her father… sisters or brothers, friends before Cristina, nothing.

Doubt must have shown on his face because Addison smiled coyly at him. "So… when are we going to spend time together again… I know," She stressed the word and he clenched his jaw. "I know how you love to spend time outdoors… we could go have a picnic… you could go fishing." Her nose wrinkled a little at the mention of the sport but she placed a hand on his arm anyway.

"And afterwards we could go to that little hotel that we went to once… remember it Derek? The place with the bed?" She whispered in his ear, her breath tickling his skin.

He sharply jerked his arm from hers and wiped his hand across his skin, as if that would get rid of her mouth being so near his ear.

"Addison. What we had was… it was good. But we're over. I'm in love with someone else, I told you I can't even begin to explain it, but I am. I love her, and I'm going to do whatever it takes to make this work." He said before quickly leaving her.

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Derek arrived at Meredith's dorm and knocked tiredly on the door. The talk with Addison had gotten to him. It's not that he believed her… or maybe he did. He didn't believe anything she'd said about him and her, or him and Meredith, he just... it got him to think. He didn't really know Meredith all that well, and yet he had this unexplainable fountain of love for her.

Cristina opened the door and she eyed him warily.

"What do you want?"

"I'm… I'm here to see Meredith." He said, completely confused and furrowing his brow. He had thought that would have been obvious considering how much time they spent together.

"Yeah well she's in no mood for you to fuck her right now." Cristina told him and his eyes flashed. What the hell was wrong with everyone? Why did they think it was all about the sex?

"I'm not here for… that. I'm here for her. I just… I need her right now." He said, straightening up. It was clear that this wouldn't be easy.

"You need her. Code for you need to be inside of her, I've heard it all Shepherd." She frowned.

"Cristina, who is it?" He heard Meredith call to her friend and he was alarmed to hear how upset she was.

"Meredith?" He called to her and pushed past Cristina despite her best efforts.

"Mer, what's wrong?" He asked, stepping swiftly across the room to her bed. Her eyes were red along with her nose and tears welled in her eyes and there were tracks from previous ones lining her face.

"Mer?" He kneeled on the bed and dropped his books to the floor, taking her in his arms. She tried to pull back but he wouldn't let her. Not this time, not now and not ever again would he let her pull away.

"Derek let go." She sniffled and he shook his head, holding her tightly against his chest.

"No. Not until you tell me what's wrong." He said firmly, kissing the top of her head and smoothing her hair back.

"Derek, you know what's wrong." She mumbled against his shirt.

"No, actually I don't." He said and he instantly realized it was a mistake when she successfully pulled away from his arms and glared at him, angry tears prickling her eyes.

"How can you not know what's wrong? You're…" She stopped and crossed her arms before turning away from him.

"Mer, please just tell me what's the matter." He groaned and brushed her cheek with his hand. She turned her head even farther and he sighed, thinking about the last time they'd been in this situation. It had lead to weeks of being miserable for both of them, and she'd damn near starved herself to death.

"You really are a loser." Cristina's voice interrupted them.

"Cristina, don't." Meredith warned but she ignored her.

"What, he obviously doesn't know what he's done because he's got his head so far up his ass, I might as well pull it out for him." Cristina shot back before rounding on Derek.

"You're stringing them along."

"Who?" He asked, completely confused.

"Meredith and Satan. You're stringing. Them. Along. You're fucking them both and you're making them think they have a chance. So just let go of Meredith and let her move on with her life. She can get another guy at the next party she goes to."

Derek's jaw hung open in slight disbelief.

"What the fuck is wrong with you? I don't… I'm not stringing anyone along!" He shouted.

"Meredith is my girlfriend and I love-"

He stopped and Meredith's eyes snapped from their spot on the wall to look at his. They'd never talked about this, not once. But then again, they'd never had much of a chance to talk about it.

"Derek…." She whispered his name. "I-"

Cristina snorted.

"Please, you actually believe him? The guy cheated on his girlfriend. The girlfriend who he's supposed to love, just because he wanted to get in your pants. And you think he actually loves you?" She exclaimed incredulously.

"I do!" Derek said.

"Yeah, and your actions show just how much." Cristina said sarcastically.

"Look, we've talked about Addison." He growled to her but Meredith protested next to him.

"No, we haven't. I don't know what I ruined-"

"Mer, you didn't ruin anything."

"Derek, I slept with you twice before I even realized you had a girlfriend!"

"Which wasn't your fault! I didn't tell you!"

"Not exactly something you would leave out if you loved someone." Cristina interrupted dryly.

"Yang-"

"No, stop she's right!" Meredith yelled.

"You don't… you don't love me." She said and he shook his head quickly. "Meredith-" He started desperately before she cut him off.

"You don't Derek. I don't know anything about you. You don't know anything about me. We slept together and ever since then it's been… sex. We don't talk. Derek we just met a few months ago, people don't fall in love that fast."

"We're not people." He said quickly. "We're Derek and Meredith."

"We're people Derek, we're nothing special." She said quietly. Derek blinked at her and shot up as if he'd been stung.

"Nothing special? We're… we're…." He started to pace the room, running his hands through his hair.

"This past week's been nothing to you? These… these past months?" He breathed in hurt disbelief.

"Derek… we're just sleeping together." Meredith whispered, looking down.

His eyes turned dark with anger and hurt.

"Don't you… don't you _dare_ suggest that's all we've been doing. Don't you _dare_. I've… I've seen the way you look at me and I know the way I look at you. We… we wouldn't have been so miserable if all we were doing was sleeping together." He whispered sharply.

Cristina watched the two of them, her eyes flickering back and forth, a deeper understanding of what they were entering her mind. Meredith was strong. In the past few months she'd come to know her as strong but she was also broken. And she'd never been broken as badly as she was with Derek right now. She was curled in her bed, fragile and avoiding all eye contact with anyone.

And Derek... he was livid, but beneath that there was also a deep pain. These weeks had meant something to him and to hear Meredith dismiss them was just… unimaginable to him.

For the first time ever, Cristina began to think that maybe there was more to them than meets the eye… no matter how ridiculously fast paced everything was.

"Um… Mer, maybe you should listen to him." She interrupted in an oddly quiet voice. Meredith gave her a strange look.

"Cristina… you were the one who agreed with me in the first place." She frowned. "Why are you-"

"I just think you should listen to him ok?" Cristina snapped at her. Meredith opened her mouth to say something but Derek shook his head wearily.

"No just… forget it… she doesn't want me. She doesn't want us, she doesn't believe… I'll see you guys around… maybe if you need help with biology."

He frowned and before either one of them could even try to stop him he'd left the dorm.

Meredith glared at Cristina.

"What the hell was that? You were the one who told me that he was just fucking me! Just stringing both me and Addison along! And what, now he's telling the truth!" She exclaimed.

"You're unbelievable!" She yelled, throwing the covers off her bed and stalking to her door throwing it open and closing it with a slam.

Cristina stood there for a moment before shrugging.

"Who gave you a bitch pill this morning." She frowned.

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The next few days were rough on Cristina and Meredith. The fight was forgotten but they were still awkward around each other. Meredith still couldn't believe that Cristina had bailed out on her while she was talking with Derek.

She and Derek were invisible to each other and whenever they saw each other on campus they looked the other way. Cristina rolled her eyes at their behavior but said nothing. She and Meredith had to live together, she'd rather keep the relationship they had now than settle for something worse.

One morning while they were getting ready for class Meredith turned to Cristina.

"I feel like I'm forgetting something. Like something should be happening today and it's not."

Cristina looked back at her. "Well… there's not test, no project, no essay… what do you mean? Is there a party I don't know about?"

Meredith shook her head and bit her lip. She knew that something important was supposed to happen today but she couldn't figure out what exactly.

"No… it's not with school… I don't think. Are you sure I'm not missing something?"

Cristina shook her head. "Mer, stop being so paranoid. You're probably just missing McDreamy."

"I am not." She shot back at her.

Which was a complete lie. She missed him more than anything. But she could tell that it wasn't the thing that she was missing.

The rest of the day she had a nagging feeling in the back of her mind that something was supposed to happen. She checked billboards and emails again and again but still nothing. It wasn't until she checked her pocket calendar that she realized it and she dropped it in shock.

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Finding Derek wasn't easy. They'd both become masters at avoiding the other which made it difficult for any communication.

She'd asked Mark but he'd only responded with a shrug and he'd directed her to other friends who knew just as much as Mark did.

Finally she found him. She saw him in the cafeteria one day and she quickly made her way over to him.

"Derek! Derek, we need to talk!" She called to him. He whipped around, emotions flashing across his face, including relief, confusion and worry at the tone of her voice.

She took his hand and lead him out of the crowded room and down a hall.

"Mer, about the other day-"

"Derek, I'm late." She whispered, and fear entered her voice for the first time.

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_**So yeah. I'm assuming you all know what late means? LOL. Of course you do because my readers are brilliant. **_

_**But relax guys. She's just late. That doesn't mean anything. Not yet at least. I'm so torn between reassuring you guys and not saying anything. But I have to choose to not say anything because reassurances can change….**_

_**Don't worry though, whatever happens, you'll like it.**_

_**At least I hope.**_

_**So this chapter was supposed to be longer but I decided to cut it there. Leave you with a mini cliff. It was going to cut off soon after anyway, I just decided to end it early. **_

_**So in this chapter issues are worked out. Addison and Derek talk. Derek yells. Derek and Meredith talk. They both yell. Cristina gets involved and she sees them as something more for the first time ever. Because she needs to be the sensible one. And how did she figure them out?**_

_**She's not top of the class for nothing you know.**_

_**So yeah, things were said in this chapter. And…**_

_**Derek loves Meredith. Yet another issue for them to delve into later.**_

_**:D**_

_**I think that just about covers it for now. And I'm SO sorry that this chapter took longer to come up, I had the first part written one day the second the next and it just keeps going. I wrote most of it tonight though. So now my brain is fried and this is the pathetic excuse of an explanation you get. Lol.**_

_**I'll try to have the next one up faster. Within the next three days max. That's my goal.**_

_**Take care guys!!**_

**_And hats off to _nfinchamscheff _for finding me on the grey's message board :D you're the best! That pushed me to get this done tonight actually lol._**

_**Thanks for reading and please review!**_

_**-Em**_


	17. Chapter 17

_**Disclaimer: Ah, who am I kidding. What do I own? **_

_**Nothing.**_

He stared at her for a moment, confused.

"You're late? For what?" He asked dimly.

She let out a frustrated whimper before biting her lip and dragging him further down the hall.

"No, Derek. I'm _late_." She looked at him pointedly. He blinked at her a few more times before his eyes widened and his hand flew to her cheek, realizing for the first time what her fear was about.

"Mer, are you sure?" He said in a low voice. Panicked tears welled in her eyes and she nodded. "I keep track on a calendar just in case and… I looked because this morning I thought something was supposed to happen and Cristina couldn't think of anything… and I was supposed to… and now I'm… Derek." She whimpered her face crumpling a little and he pulled her into a hug, holding her tightly, feeling his own chest constrict with fear.

She couldn't be pregnant. She could _not_ be pregnant. It just wasn't possible, she was young and she had so much ahead of her. She was barely nineteen and now… and he was in medical school! She was a freshman in college and he was in medical school, there was no way they could pull that off. They couldn't… could they?

He pressed a fierce kiss to the top of her head.

"Mer, listen to me. Listen to me." He ordered her and she turned her head so her face was in his neck and he clenched his jaw as he felt the tears there.

"Whatever happens, we are going to get through this together. I love you."

It was the first time he'd ever said it out loud and to her and it was… wonderful. He wished it could have been said under better circumstances, but still it was said.

Her shoulders started to shake and she lifted her head. Tears lined her face and she looked at him.

"Oh Derek…." She sobbed. She hated how it sounded like some cheesy 1930's movie scene.

"Derek, I love you." She said and a smile broke through his frown. He placed his hand on the back of her head and brought her mouth to his. He could still taste the tears against her lips and he broke away.

Finally reality began to sink back in and Meredith was close to breaking again. Her knees were bending and she was trembling in his arms so in one swift movement he took her in his arms and carried her to a bench that lined the hall.

Derek sat down and held her in his lap while she held onto his shirt and cried against his neck. He rubbed her back soothingly and murmured words of comfort in his ear. He held her tighter when students started to pile out of the cafeteria and he did his best to shield her from the stares, glaring at anyone who dared to look at them for too long. She tried to lift her head to look around but he kept it turned away before carefully moving her out of his lap to stand. He walked with her quickly down the hall, holding her close and he strained his mind to think of a place where they could talk. Because this definitely needed to be talked about.

He led her to a private corridor and looked around before releasing her from his grip. She sniffled and looked around before swallowing.

"Derek… what are we going to do? What am I… I can't do this, I literally can't, I just… I just want… I—"

"Sssh, it's ok. We're going to be ok. What did I say?" He murmured softly to her, cupping her face and stroking her cheek with his thumb.

"Whatever happens, we will get through this together." He carefully wiped a few tears away before letting his hand drop to her shoulder.

"But Derek… I can't… I'm in college!" She said, eyes wide.

"How am I… I couldn't, I can't, I won't! I, I…."

"Mer, calm down. I wouldn't expect you to, I understand. It's too much, much too much for someone your age and someone in college. I'm in med school—"

She let out a small sob at that and he kissed her softly.

"I'm in med school. We can't do this, and I don't think anyone would expect us to. Do you know for sure?" He asked her in a seemingly calm voice.

"No… I have an appointment this afternoon to check but…"

"You don't know for sure." He breathed and she nodded.

"Ok… so it could be nothing." He said and she nodded.

"And it could be something." He added and again she nodded.

"And if it is…."

"If it is I can't… Derek, you can't possibly expect me to keep it." She whispered.

He turned his head and looked at a wall. He wasn't angry he was just… why now. Even ten years later would have been better. They could both be done with school or at least nearly done, they could have a jobs secured… college and med school was the type of lifestyle that made the already hard task of raising a child harder and they weren't prepared for it. They hadn't talked about anything beyond what would happen to them in that same day.

But still… that possible child was something, someone that they had made together during one of their many nights of passion. Something that had been created out of what he now recognized as love. And there was no way they would keep it. The thought broke his heart and somewhere in the back of his mind he swore to himself that he would have children with Meredith Grey one day.

He turned back to her frowning face and he quickly kissed her.

"No, I don't expect you to keep it. I know it's impossible." He said.

"But?"

"But… but I still want to be with you." He told her, not ready to tell her about his plan for the future quite yet.

"Meredith, I meant everything… I love you. You are my girlfriend, you are… Addison is nothing to me. She has a habit of not letting go. I can't do anything about that, I wish I could, but the best thing is… to just ignore her. To yell and hope she gets the picture." He sighed.

She moved closer to him and circled her arms around his waist while laying her head on his shoulder. "Maybe Mark can help her move on." She said and she felt him stiffen.

"Derek… he loves her."

"I know." He said quietly. "They were going to get married." He said and she nodded. "I know." She whispered before kissing his neck.

"It's ok Derek… they made a mistake. We made a mistake… and now… everything will work out. But be happy for them Derek. Tolerate them, don't lose your best friend."

"They slept together while Addie and I were—"

"I know." She soothed. "But so did we."

There was silence for a moment before Derek broke it.

"You can't… don't ever leave me for Mark." He said in a gruff voice and she lifted her head. Derek looked her in the eyes. "I mean it Meredith… please, if you're going to leave me for anyone, don't leave me for Mark." He said, his voice taking on a soft begging tone, his eyes flashing with worry and pain at the mere thought of losing her yet again.

She kissed him slowly, molding her lips to fit against his before she pulled back.

"I promise that I will never leave you Derek." She whispered, resting her forehead against his.

He breathed deeply, taking in her lavender scented hair.

"Thank you." He whispered.

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"Why did you make the appointment during your psych class?" He asked her with an amused grin.

She turned to him and made a face.

"You know just as well as I do that psyche 101 with Hubble has got to be the most pointless class ever. Seriously, the guy's a… a…."

"Nut." Derek said simply and she agreed.

"And I don't see you skipping off to radiology." She countered. They were trying to make the appointment a little less nerve-wracking as they sat in the waiting room, flipping through magazines. It was a simple blood test, but if it was positive….

He groaned. "Please, that guy smells like old cheese. He'll be retired by the time you come around, you should feel lucky." He said and she laughed.

"I for one like old cheese." She teased him and he grinned. "I'm not old cheese."

She smiled and kissed him. "You are most definitely not old cheese." She murmured against his mouth before deepening the kiss.

The sound of a throat clearing caused them to break apart and they both looked up from their seats guiltily.

"Miss. Grey, we're ready for you now." An assistant said and the weight that had disappeared from her stomach suddenly reappeared. They got up, all smiles gone and Derek looped his arm around her waist holding her close. The assistant gave them a sympathetic look before leading them to an exam room.

Meredith sat on a table and looked around. All of this fuss over a blood test seemed unnecessary to her but who was she to say anything, she was the one who had gotten themselves in this position in the first place. If she had been on the pill or if she had remembered condoms none of this would have happened.

A doctor came in and smiled at them warmly.

"Good afternoon, I'm Dr. Levitsky and I'll be doing your blood work."

She opened the chart and began to read it.

"Meredith, you're nineteen?"

"Almost, she'll be nineteen in two weeks." Derek broke in and Meredith looked at him surprised.

"You know my birthday?" She asked and he nodded, kissing her on the nose.

"Alright and you're here for a blood test to see if you're—"

"Yes." They interrupted her.

"Ok then." The chart was shut and Dr. Levitsky turned to face them again.

"I'm assuming you are aware of what your options are?" She addressed the both of them but her question was focused on Meredith.

Derek nodded and Meredith spoke.

"I can't be more than a week along, and if I am…"

She looked at Derek and he took her hand, squeezing it for reassurance.

"We'd like… we would go through with termination." She said her voice softer and Derek kissed her temple softly, draping an arm around her shoulders.

The doctor nodded for a moment. "Normally this is the part where I ask you to consider your options but… I think you are certain that this is what you want." She said gently and Meredith nodded, shrinking closer to Derek once again.

"Alright then. I'll be right back."

Dr. Levitsky left the room and they were plunged into silence. Neither knew what to say to comfort the other one more than they already had. The only comfort they could give was the nearness of the other, and later if all turned out well, the feeling of their skin against each other's.

Dr. Levitsky came back in the room and put on some gloves.

"Alright Meredith, I just need to find a vein and then we can get started."

Meredith swallowed with difficulty before reaching around for Derek's hand. He grasped it in his and in a moment her arm was tied and a cool cotton swab was wiped over her skin, leaving a trail of alcohol behind.

A needle was taken out and carefully pressed against her skin before it went through and Meredith squeezed Derek's hand tightly while he murmured in her ear.

"I hate getting my blood drawn. I feel like I'm being drained." She muttered and he chuckled against her hair.

"That's 'cause you are." He said and her mouth curved upwards in a smile.

The needle was taken out and a cotton ball was pressed over the spot. Derek reached around and held it there before accepting the band-aid.

"This should be quick. I'll see if I can have the results to you in twenty minutes, but odds are it'll be longer." Dr. Levitsky said before leaving the room.

"Derek… if I am…." They'd talked about this a hundred times before, but she needed to do it at least once more. "If I am… then I'll need to make an appointment." She said and he nodded. "You will." He agreed. He let go of her arm for a moment and told her to hold the cotton there while he opened the band-aid and pressed it onto her. He tossed the wrapper away before placing his arm around her. "Will you… I mean, you don't have to, I wouldn't expect you to, but…." She bit her lip and shook her head. "Never mind." She whispered.

Derek lifted her chin, making her look him in the eyes. "Meredith. If you are, and you make an appointment, you can count on me to be there, one hundred percent." He said slowly and carefully.

She whispered his name before dropping her head onto his chest. This was exhausting, the waiting and the worrying and the planning. They'd discovered so much about each other that day and it was all beginning to take its toll on her.

The door opened and Derek snapped his head towards it while Meredith's back straightened.

The doctor noted their sudden change and gave them a smile.

"It's negative. Congratulations Meredith, you're _not_ pregnant."

Meredith collapsed in relief and lay back on the exam table, laughing. Derek smiled and kissed her forehead, temple, cheek, chin and mouth.

She was relieved that she would never have to choose between letting her child live, their child live and her school life, her life of becoming a surgeon.

Derek was relieved that he would never have to possibly resent Meredith or their baby, and that he would never have to sit with her while they gave it up.

She grinned at him before pulling his mouth down to hers.

Dr. Levitsky watched them with a happy smile.

"However…." She regretfully interrupted. Meredith sat up quickly and Derek's eyes were instantly alert.

"What is it? What's wrong?" He asked her urgently.

"To ensure that his never happens again, I would suggest that you start taking an oral contraceptive. I will also be writing you a prescription for emergency contraceptive and I do hope that you never have to come here and ask me for M&M. The ah… termination pill." She explained at Derek's puzzled look. She took out her prescription pad and scribbled instructions on two sheets before tearing them out and handing them to her.

"But why was I late?" Meredith asked curiously.

"There's nothing abnormal about a change in cycle. Usually it stops alternating within the first few years but it can alter every now and then." She assured her.

Meredith thanked her and jumped off the table, clutching the prescriptions tightly in her hand. Derek followed her out of the room and waited for her while she went to the front desk.

After a moment of talking with the secretary she motioned for him to follow her.

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They got outside and Meredith started to run to the parking lot. She was laughing and smiling and she turned to face Derek and started walking backwards. She was glowing and her hair was shining, and her eyes were sparkling. Her cheeks were pink and she grinned at him. He laughed as he caught up with her.

"What are you so happy about?" He asked her, even though he knew very, very well what it was. She laughed and reached up to kiss him. He slipped his arms around her waist, holding her to him and they kissed deeply for a moment before pulling away.

"Come on, let's go get those filled." He murmured in her ear, kissing her neck before taking her to his car.

_Were you right? Was I wrong? Were you weak? Was I strong, yeah both of us broken, caught in the moment we lived, we laughed and we hurt and we jumped, and we hurt and we jumped, yeah but the planets all aligned, when you looked into my eyes, and just like that, the chemicals react._

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_**Ok, first off I think this is one of my longer chapters. But there was a lot to cover. **_

_**So possible baby Grey-Shepherd was just to get them to talk. If it existed I don't think it would mind. **_

**_They could have been having a baby. They were scared, Meredith and Derek, they were scared. Mer was being Mer and freaking out and Derek pulls himself together to pick up the pieces and tell her he'll be there, but at the same time he just wants someone to hold him.. It's… kind of hard to explain. But I think you all get what I'm trying to say, right? If you don't just ask and I'll do my best to explain. _**

_**So Meredith and Derek are happy and they're not going to be parents! They're going to have prescriptions filled and then… well… suss. Hehe.**_

**_And Meredith is trying to get Derek to forgive Mark. And we also get him asking Mer not to leave him for Mark… hmm… And Mer is finally starting to accept just how hard Addison is to shake off. So they're willing to live with it for now. For now._**

_**A surprising amount of you really wanted Mer to be pregnant. Some of you were hardcore fans of the idea, the others were fifty/fifty, weighing the pros and cons and the other bunch was pretty much against the idea for one reason or another. **_

_**Kudos to you guys for putting that much thought into the matter! I was seriously considering making her pregnant, just so that Meredith and Derek could grow stronger. But you see how relieved they were when she wasn't? All that guilt and emotion that was just washed away? That would have become worse if it had actually been true. So I couldn't write it in, I couldn't make her pregnant. I also don't know if I could write it, I mean physically write it. I think it'd cause me too much pain. To put them through that would be unimaginable, at least for this story. And poor Meredith and Derek have been through enough for right now. **_

**_The song line is a long one. But it was… well, not needed but useful and nice. Because they're fighting and they're wondering and then they're thinking and… yeah. Just think about it, lol. :D It's from "Chemicals React." _**

_**That's it for now! Once again you guys blow me away! I love hearing your input and feedback and suggestions. Especially when Meredith and Derek are fighting. I love your simple quick fixes and believe me if I could do that I would, lol. **_

_**Thank you SO much for reading, and please, please review! **_

_**-Em**_


	18. Chapter 18

_**Disclaimer: If I were Shonda Rhimes, I would be able to stick to my schedule. Said schedule says that this update was supposed to be up on Wednesday. Shonda has an episode of Grey's air every Thursday, repeat or no repeat. She sticks to said schedule. **_

_**See the difference?**_

Meredith walked into the living room wearing one of Derek's button down shirts. He was on the couch in his boxers with a laptop on his knees, typing furiously. He looked up and stopped when she entered the room though, and he moved over to make room for her, smiling.

She smiled softly and sat next to him, leaning against him and resting her head on his shoulder.

"What are you working on?" She asked. He kissed the top of her head, inhaling deeply before sighing and turning back to the screen.

"I have no idea." He said and she laughed. "Well that's good. You wouldn't want to know what you're writing about." He chuckled and kissed her head again. "It's a paper about this new technique called the Laparoscopic Grey method. A brilliant surgeon invented it a few years back and—"

He continued talking but she didn't hear him. She knew very well who that brilliant surgeon was, considering it was her mother. The mother who had managed to ruin every potential relationship she'd ever had, by either telling her boyfriends that if they wanted to be successful in their future professions they should put their ambition first and relationships second, or by firing a round of twenty questions per minute at them. They always left after the thirty seconds.

Derek was studying for medical school. He was studying to be a surgeon, and her mother was great. If she told him to focus more on his ambition then he was likely to do it. And the questions… Meredith had to admit she'd probably leave to. It wasn't worth dating her if her mother was going to grill you until you smoked.

Derek stopped talking and looked down at her, frowning. "Mer, are you ok?" He asked.

Who was she kidding, she couldn't keep this from him. But… maybe she wouldn't tell him. Maybe if he guessed.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Um… do you need any help with that paper?" She asked and he laughed.

"Mer, I know you're smart… and talented… with many, many things," He said, kissing her mouth gently. "But there's no way you can know enough about this to help me write a second year medical school paper on an advanced surgery." He said.

"_No, just the surgeon who invented it."_ She thought.

"I can help you do lots of other things." She murmured before kissing his neck. Distraction was good. Distraction meant they could stop talking about her dear – and she used that word loosely – mother and they could move on to better things.

He groaned. "Mer… trying to write here…." He breathed but she didn't let up.

"Your grades are good enough…" She whispered and she kissed his jaw, feeling him tense beside her.

"Meredith…" He groaned and clenched his jaw as he held tight to his computer. The tighter he held the less chance there was that he would throw it off his lap to put his hands all over her.

"Derek… I need you." She whispered, pressing her body against his side.

"Fuck Mer…" He moaned. She trailed her fingers up and down his chest. He quickly put the screen down and put it on the coffee table in front of them before pulling her into his lap and fitting her against him. He placed rough kisses on her neck, moving down her shoulder as he quickly unbuttoned his shirt. She moaned and ran her hands down his bare back and through his hair, pressing closer to him as he kissed her chest.

"Derek…" She whispered his name over and over again and he let out quiet sounds of pleasure and delight as he moved his hands over her body, discovering things about it that he had never known before.

"Meredith… need you… want you." He managed to say through gritted teeth. She whimpered as she started to rock but they were interrupted when the phone rang.

"Seriously?" She cried and he let out a frustrated groan. She climbed off his lap and he got up to answer it.

"Hello? Hi Mom." He said, grimacing at Meredith. She sighed and lay down on the couch.

She looked up at the ceiling while she listened to Derek have a long conversation with his Mother about some girl named Nancy, who she found out was his sister. She was a little surprised since Derek had never mentioned he had a sister, but then again they didn't really talk much. Not that they'd had a chance to, with all of the drama that had ensued after they met. And then the sex. And more drama. And then some more sex.

Maybe it was just as well that they didn't talk. If they talked, especially about families, she'd have to talk about her, her mother, her father… it was definitely just as well.

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He sighed and sat down in a chair, still listening to his mother talk. There was no way he could get off anytime soon, she was in for a marathon chat with her favorite son. Her favorite blood son anyway.

"Dear, how's Addison?" His mother asked and he jumped in his seat.

"What? Why are you asking about her?" He asked, startled.

"Derek, she's your girlfriend, the girl you're in love with, the girl you're going to marry, why wouldn't I ask about her?" She asked. Derek fought the urge to gag when his mother mentioned marriage to _Addison_ and he shook his head. "No Mom, she's not who I'm in love with, she's not who I'm going to marry, and she's not my girlfriend." He said.

"No? Then is there someone else or are you single? Because I know this woman whose daughter is—"

"No, I'm not single." Derek said looking at Meredith.

"Than… but you said you weren't with Addison." His mother replied, clearly confused. Meredith looked at him curiously.

"I'm not… but I am in love." He said, still looking at Meredith, causing her to blush and she smiled softly.

"And she is my girlfriend."

"Addie and you broke up?" His Mother asked, surprised.

"Yeah… and I couldn't be happier." Derek said, smiling.

"Derek! Addison is a good girl, you should at least have some sorrow at losing her!"

"I'm sorry Mom, I just can't… not where Meredith is concerned." He said.

"Meredith? That's her name? Oh, what's she like! Tell me all about her! When can I meet her? Does she love you? Is she good to you? Is she anything like Addison or is she different? Better or worse?"

Derek laughed. "Mom, slow down. Her name's Meredith and she's… she's amazing. She's going to be nineteen in a little less than two weeks—"

"Nineteen?" His mother asked, stunned. "Derek, she's far too young for you! You're twenty-six and in medical school! She's a sophomore—"

"Freshman Mom."

"What?" His mother asked shocked.

"She's a freshman Mom. She's a freshman, and I love her. And nothing you can say will change my mind." He said firmly.

"Derek, couldn't you have found someone in your age range at least?"

"Mom, I don't want someone in my age range."

"Derek, I don't want you to break this girls heart because you're having a harmless fling!" His mother told him sternly.

"Fling? Meredith and I… we're not a fling. I fell in love with her. I am in love with her. We're… we're good. We fit together." He said with an edge to his voice.

"Derek… I won't try to talk you out of this. Just know that I think you're making a mistake in leading her on. I'm sure she's a very sweet girl but… don't hurt her because you need an ego boost." Mrs. Shepherd told him with a small sigh.

Derek clenched his jaw.

"Mom, I have to go. I have a class to go to."

"Derek, don't leave the phone angry." She said.

"I'm not, I have to go." He said.

"Well, alright… I'll talk with you soon. I love you dear."

"I love you too Mom." He said grudgingly before hanging up.

He sighed and rubbed his face before going over to where Meredith was on the couch.

"She doesn't like us, does she?" He heard her murmur quietly. He shook his head and pulled her into his lap and she shifted so she was straddling him.

"She does she just… doesn't like the age difference." He said.

"Derek, that's part of us. It's a big part of us." Meredith said, looping her arms around his neck and resting her forehead against his.

"Do you have a problem with us?" He asked and she shook her head. "No."

"Good, neither do I." He nodded before kissing her quickly.

"So tell me about your family." She said as he kissed her neck.

"What, why?" He asked. "I'd rather tell you about something else… like how much I want you." He murmured.

She giggled a little and pushed him away. "Derek, really. What are they like? I need to know, we need to talk. All we do is… have sex."

"Yeah… but it's fun, isn't it?" He grinned at her and she smacked him lightly. "Derek!" She exclaimed and he grinned, kissing her shoulder again.

"Well it is." He said. She sighed biting her lip for a moment. "Fine, it is. Sex with you is the best sex I've ever had in my life. Now can we get on with it and talk?" He stopped kissing her and looked up.

"Really?" He asked her, a smug grin spreading across his face. She groaned. "You're impossible." She said and he laughed. "But you love it." She took his face in her hands and kissed him. "I really, really do." She mumbled. He moaned and pulled her closer but she broke the kiss.

"No sex until we talk."

His jaw dropped and he stared at her.

"What? You're… what?"

"You heard me. No sex until we talk." She said simply.

"But… we… and… no!" He said, desperate and confused. She laughed softly before kissing him. "Derek, all we've done is drama and sex. We keep going around in circles and honestly… I'm getting sick of it."

His eyes flickered with fear and she shook her head. "I'm not ending us and I won't end us even if we don't talk right now… I can live without sex. I'll hold out until we talk." She said and he snorted.

"You can hold out on sex like you can hold off on Jose." He said and she glared at him.

"I can hold off the Tequila thank you very much. And how would you know what my habits are? You've only seen me at one party out of the…" She counted on her fingers. "At least six parties I've been to this year." She said. "

"You've been going to parties without me? Well I hope you weren't picking up any men." He said, with laughter in his voice but his eyes showed how jealous he was. She rolled her eyes and kissed him briefly. "You're the last guy I brought home from a party." She assured him before turning so she could sit in his lap.

"So?" She said and he sighed.

"My family is large. My… my dad died when I was younger…" He said quietly and she moved closer to him in attempt to comfort him. "So ever since then it's just been me and my mother and sisters and… Mark." He said with a frown. "I have four sisters. Mom was just talking to me about Nancy. We're almost the same age so we're closest to each other rather than the rest of them." He shifted her in his lap again before speaking again. "Kathleen is the oldest. She's married with three kids, at least so far." He chuckled. "Us Shepherds tend to breed." He said and he missed the worried look on Meredith's face. "She's going to graduate in a few years with a PH.D that will apparently 'put the rest of us to shame.' She's very competitive." He explained and Meredith smiled.

"I have two younger sisters that are still in college, but one of them is actually graduating this year." He informed her. "That's all there is to them. At least for now." He said.

She looked at him and he opened his mouth to say something. She knew what it was without asking and she quickly kissed him, tangling her fingers with the curls at the nape of his neck.

There was no way she was talking about her Mother right that moment.

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"Addison!" Mark called after her as her class let out.

"Mark, go away." She said, quickening her pace and dodging in and out of the crowd.

"Addie, please, just listen!" He said and she shook her head. "Mark, I don't… just no. I have a boyfriend." She said and he groaned. He quickly sped up before grabbing her around the waist and taking her into a classroom.

"Mark what are you—"

"Addie, your boyfriend has a girlfriend. One he loves very much." Mark said in a hard voice before it softened. "I know you don't want to hear it… but you have to accept it and move on."

Her eyes flickered across his face for a moment. "No… I can't. I'm in love with Derek, I can't…"

Pain ripped through Mark but he stood his ground.

"Addison… your relationship is over." He said quietly, brushing his hand across her cheek. Her eyes shut quickly and she inhaled sharply.

"All you have to do is face it." She shivered at his breath on her neck as he whispered in her ear. He fought the urge to kiss her before turning away and walking out of the room.

"_Well it's been almost a year to the moment, when I finally realized it was over and I knew that love wasn't good enough of a reason for me to stay."_

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_**This chapter was supposed to be up Wednesday night. But what happened was, I had already started writing it, and then something happened that wasn't supposed to happen yet. So that's for next chapter. I wanted to write some good MerDer fluff after all the crap they've been through. And that little bit of Maddison at the end. Yeah, a few lines are from the show, but honestly they're just so perfect and I couldn't think of anything more fitting.**_

_**And Derek was supposed to find out about Ellis this chapter. Just to clear the air. But then Meredith decided she didn't want to. I'm serious guys, Meredith was not talking. So soon… Meredith might wind up having two secrets in this story, it depends on what she wants to do. **_

_**So yeah. Just fluff. Important fluff because it deals with actual talking, but fluff nonetheless. I did like writing it. I hate Mer crying. And I hate that there wasn't a new episode last night. Sucks. **_

_**And Derek's mom… I've seen stories paint her as a "rich bitch" and also as a… well, perfect mom. I like both versions (rich bitch usually comes around after awhile) but she's going to be done just a tad different in this story… she'll make an appearance at some point. **_

_**I didn't do detail on his sisters because we only know minor details on two of them and while I think it would be fun to "play Shonda" and talk about Derek's life, I'm not going to. At least not yet. And I know that he has nine nieces and five nephews… or is it four… anyway, I know that, but because this is an AU in the past, he doesn't have them yet. More in the making, remember?**_

_**Alrighty, I think that's it for now. Song line? Anna Nalick's "Bleed." And that line was for Addison… because… look closely… finally realized it was over… yeah, it's over.**_

**_Thank you for the AWESOME reviews for last chapter! I enjoyed the feedback tremendously because it was a hard chapter for me to write with all the sadness… I mean, I can handle sadness, but there was just SO much in that one… so thank you! A million times over, thank you!_**

_**Thanks for reading and please review!**_

_**-Em**_

_**P.S. The good news about the delay means I have about half of the next chapter written already. And I know what I'm going to do with it. So… hit that review button and I might just have it up tonight:D**_


	19. Chapter 19

_**Disclaimer: No, no, no, DOUBLE no… not mine. **_

Derek lay in his bed, lazily flipping through a sports magazine with a content and tired look on his face. Meredith lay next to him, hidden in the blankets and smiling adoringly at him. His window was open and there was a cool breeze blowing through the room, blowing her hair lightly every now and then. She tapped him on the shoulder and he looked down at her, a grin spreading across his face. She giggled a little and dove underneath the covers, causing him to fake a sigh.

"Mer, are you going to come out or am I going to have to go in after you?" He asked.

She brought the covers down from around her head and grinned wickedly at him before diving further beneath them.

He chuckled and shot his arm underneath the covers and pulled her laughing form out.

She moved to sit in his lap and he held her there, brushing his hands up and down her back, kissing her occasionally. She smiled happily at him and he swore that she had never looked more beautiful to him. Ever since yesterday she'd been radiant and he swore that he would do everything he could to make sure that she never looked or felt any different than this ever again.

"I love you." She said. It wasn't for any special reason really. She just wanted to tell him, she needed to tell him. They'd said it a few times before, but with all of the darkness and the worry surrounding the words they hadn't been said as they should be. They were said as comfort because they needed to be said and now they said it because they were so overwhelmed with their happiness that if one of them didn't say it soon they might quite literally burst. And she hadn't said it to him when they'd had their last fight. So it was her turn. And she wanted it to be done right.

"I love you too." He murmured before dropping his head to place a kiss to her bare shoulder. Her skin was soft beneath his mouth and she smelled wonderful, the lavender from her hair wearing off on her body. He pressed another kiss to her neck, her cheek and finally her mouth before laying her down and stretching out over her.

She smiled softly at him, her breathing already increasing. For a moment they didn't move. They took in the reality of it all; they were Derek and Meredith. They were together and happy and there was nothing that could ruin their lives.

They both smiled and Derek started to lean down slowly to kiss her but at the sound of a throat clearing their eyes snapped towards the door, their smiles slowly dropping.

Addison stood in the door way, a stunned expression on her face. She looked like she wanted to cry but she couldn't quite bring herself to and she looked between the two of them for another moment before struggling to smile and failing instantly.

"I'm um…" She cleared her throat again but her voice was still gravelly.

"I'm going to go… I'm sorry I just…" She looked like she was pondering something but she shook her head.

"Good bye Derek." She said before turning quickly.

They stared at where Addison had stood for a moment before Derek sighed and kissed Meredith softly.

"I should go talk with her."

"No." She said quickly and he gave her a strange look.

"No just… give her time… and…" She took a deep breath.

"I want to talk with her." She said and Derek's eyebrows shot up.

"You what?" He asked, rolling away from her and pulling her close to him. She rested her chin on his chest and looked at him.

"I… Derek she cheated on Mark, but she thinks it was a mistake. She wanted to try with you, honestly try and forget what happened but-- listen to me!" She said as he rolled his eyes. Derek sighed and brushed her hair away from her face before kissing her.

"Listening." He said in a dull voice..

"She wanted to try with you and forget, but I… I ruined it."

"Mer, you didn't ruin anything."

"Yes, I did! If I hadn't… if we hadn't met or slept together or… if we hadn't done anything, then there would have been no other girl. You would have gone back to her and been perfectly happy." She said.

"Mer, I was never perfectly happy with her. Only with you. Addie and I, we were a habit. Do you wanna know what I said to her when she first came back here? She asked if I wanted to end it. And I said no."

Meredith's jaw dropped and before she could ask her question he continued. "I did it because it was automatic. I'd forgotten a time when I would have said 'no, I don't want to be with you' and I responded how I always did. And I hated myself because that took away my only out." He said.

"Mer… we aren't automatic. We… we travel more roads with potholes than Addie and I ever did. Life with her is straight and expected. Life with you is… amazing." He said.

She smiled softly at him after a moment. "You are so trying to get in my pants." She whispered. He smiled at her.

"Technically Miss. Grey, you're not wearing any pants." He said as his hand crept up her leg along her thigh.

She moaned slightly. "Derek, now." She mumbled, bringing his mouth to hers.

And neither of them had ever been more grateful that she was now on the pill.

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Their morning and mid-afternoon bliss was now over and Meredith had to go to class. She was trying to get dressed but Derek kept coming up behind her and kissing her on the neck, sliding his hand under her shirt.

"Derek, seriously." She moaned.

"I have to go to class." She said and he groaned against her skin, pulling her closer to him. He was dressed in jeans a t-shirt and he'd made sure she hadn't had a chance to put more than her shirt on.

"Come on… you can stay here." He murmured and she shook her head, quickly slipping out of his arms and reaching for her jeans.

"No, I can't. Class Derek. Stuff that's important to my future."

He sighed. "I know… I wish you didn't have it when I don't though." He said and she turned to face him, draping her arms around his neck.

"I know." She said softly before kissing him. He placed his hands on her hips and pulled her closer, snaking one up behind her back.

"Derek," She warned. He groaned against her mouth before scooping her up in his arms and she shrieked with laughter as he carried her to the bedroom.

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Meredith left her first and only class of the day with a frown on her face. Derek had kept her from being there on time, so as a result she now had extra work to do. She was going to kill him.

She wandered the halls, looking for a quiet place to sit and do the work. Someplace Derek wouldn't find her. The library was out, and even their abandoned class room. If he started to panic he would probably look there. She should have called him to let him know not to expect her to meet up with him anytime soon, but she was set on making the next few hours of his life miserable.

She walked down a corridor she hadn't seen before and she took mental notes as to how she got there in order for her to leave. She came across a door and opened it carefully, peeking inside. What she saw made her gasp.

Addison Montgomery was sitting in a chair, crying with her head on the desk, but she looked up when she heard Meredith. Fire leapt into her eyes.

"What? What do you want?" She asked her angrily through her tears. Meredith opened her mouth to say something but Addison cut her off.

"You little… you little slut. Having an affair with my boyfriend, my boyfriend who… who was supposed to love me." She cried and took out a tissue while Meredith stood there, speechless.

"Five years." She choked. "We were… five years. I made a mistake… I know it was a mistake. But I was lonely." She laughed, bitterness laced in with disbelief.

"Do you know he never bothered to call? We were a wreck when we found out what we'd done, and we promised to keep in touch. He never called, I always… and even then he barely answered his phone." She waved her hands. "I know, I know, first year med student, but still. Derek is s-smart! He's… and I found time, I…" She squeezed her eyes shut.

"I come back and he can't even look at me. He won't… the thought of touching me makes him sick I can see it on his face and then you," She motions toward Meredith. "You show up with Mark and it's like… he was something I've never seen before, he's jealous, he's furious and he wants to kill his best friend! His best friend!" She wails softly. "I tried to tell myself that it was because of me, that he still hadn't forgiven Mark for keeping us and our past a secret, but then he took me into his room and I knew." She smiles weakly, tears still streaming down her face. "I knew that it wasn't me." Her lip trembled a little.

"Five years. We were supposed to last. We were…. We were Addison and Derek!" She whispers. "We made it through four years of everything… what's the rest of our lives?" She said in a broken whisper.

Meredith opens her mouth to say something as Addison drops her head to the desk again, sobs shaking her shoulders.

"I don't… I'm sorry." She whispers. "I didn't… I didn't mean, I didn't know about you two. I just…"

"You just what?" Addison raised her head from the desk, anger back in her voice. "You just wanted to fuck the hot TA so that way you could get ahead, or what?"

"I deserve that I guess." Meredith said softly. "I just… I didn't know. And it's not just… we're not just fucking Addison. He… we're us."

Addison looked at her in disbelief.

"We were once us too." She said and Meredith shifted uncomfortably in her spot. She wanted to say that this was different, that Derek loved her and that this time he meant it. But she couldn't, it would completely break Addison and it would be insensitive to say.

"We didn't plan on it." Meredith says. "And I never would have… if I had known, then I wouldn't have… never…." She says.

Addison looks off in the distance, her tears slowing some. "Mark is… he wants me. But Derek… he's my past. I wanted to be with him, I just… how can the last five years of my life be a lie? I don't…it's not fair." She whispers softly.

"Addison… I am sorry…" Meredith said quietly before turning to leave. When she got out in the hall she took deep breaths. Derek, she needed Derek.

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Meredith knocked on Derek's door and waited for him to answer while taking the same deep breaths she had when she left the classroom.

She heard scuffling on the other side of the door and what sounded like someone leaping over a chair and a moment later, Derek appeared at the door, his hair wild from his hand being run through it repeatedly, his face lined with worry.

"Meredith where the hell have you been?" He said as he pulled her quickly into his arms and pressed a kiss to her temple. "

"I was… studying." She said in a muffled voice. "And I… I saw… it…" She trailed off in a soft voice.

"Mer, what's wrong? What happened?" He asked her, panic in his voice.

"It's… Addison." She said, pressing her face against his chest. He held her tighter and kissed the top of her head.

"What about her? Mer, did she… she didn't do anything did she?" He asked cautiously.

Meredith shook her head a little. "Not really." She whispered. She pulled her head away and looked up at him, tears glazing her eyes. "You… you broke her. You didn't call, you..." She trailed off and he sighed.

"Come on." He led her into the living room and sat down, pulling her onto his lap.

"I never called her. Medical school is hard, first year is probably one of the worst no matter what anyone says. At the beginning of the year I was broken because she wasn't here." He admits and she looks at him. "I wasn't doing so well with my grades. I couldn't talk with her because every time I did… it was too hard. The second semester though, I started to get things in order. Mark had left to be with her and before that had made me sad, but then I was angry. I didn't know, I thought…." He sighed. "I thought he might be seducing her or… well, he was wasn't he?" He said darkly.

"But I stopped caring. I couldn't… it was all too painful and confusing. I didn't... So I broke up with her. Not actually, but emotionally I stopped feeling whatever I felt for her." He said.

"Hey," He cupped her cheek. "That was a mistake. Addie and I made so many mistakes, and I'm not proud of what I did. But you and me… that's never going to happen. It can't, I won't let it." He said, kissing her softly.

"It's not that it's just… Derek, you broke her." She repeated and he nodded. "I know Mer, I know. I'm not proud of it, but… if it's what had to happen for me to be with you then I couldn't be happier that I did it." He said and she frowned.

"Derek,"

"Mer, it's in the past. Not even in our past, so what we need to do is focus on the future." He said, stroking her jaw with his thumb.

"I don't know what you want me to say. I can… I can try to apologize, but you'd probably never see me again after that." He chuckled and she reluctantly smiled at him.

"Apologizing would be good… she needs closure Derek. For five years you were her life and then all of a sudden it's gone… to the slutty first year." She frowned and Derek frowned, his eyes dark.

"What the hell would make you say that?" He said and she quickly shook her head. "Nothing Derek… nothing." She whispered and she kissed him slowly. The question died on his lips as he pulled her closer but it was definitely not forgotten.

_I'm teachin' myself to dream. I'm learning what love can be. I'm teachin' myself to, believe in the things I don't understand, I don't even know if they're true, that's what dreamers do. _

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_**I know I said this would be up Friday night. But friend issues got in the way (that still aren't resolved) and then on Saturday FF was giving me trouble with posting and uploading. So I figured I better get it right instead of screw things up for you guys. Then yesterday, the friend issues came back and I started seeing portions of this that I could rewrite. **_

_**So really, I'm sorry.**_

_**Hmm… so this was my attempt at making you people feel sorry for Addie. You gotta understand, Derek was her life for five years, and she made a mistake. She's confused and torn up inside, and more than that she's human. And she still needs closure and she understands that they're over, but she needs to hear why. **_

_**And she needs to hear it from Derek.**_

_**And Mer's doing the whole McGuilty thing and trying to understand what she doesn't really have to. But hey, she's still not over the dirty mistress thing. Yes, STILL. **_

_**So yeah, that's pretty much it. Some happy MerDer fluff, some important talks… yup, that's a wrap. **_

_**Quick note: In this story everything comes back around. After a certain point it will stop, but if it seems repetitive that's probably why. The stuff will never actually go away, until the issues are COMPLETELY resolved. Not Derek asking questions to have Mer cut him off with kissing and sex. Real resolutions. And some things will come back around quicker than other things, while others can take longer. **_

_**Just thought you'd wanna know. Oh, and Mer's second secret? Well… if I told you what fun would that be? LOL. But now I'm not sure that that's going to happen, because Mer's decided she doesn't WANT that to be her secret. She wants something ELSE to be her secret. I hope I don't write this too much like the show since I'm really trying to be original. But if you think it's too much like the show, believe me, I feel your pain. **_

_**Thank you for the awesome reviews!!! You guys… well, you're everything. You are my muses, you are my inspiration, you keep me on my toes and you make my day brighter. Like I said, rock stars. **_

_**Song line is by the AMAZING Katy Rose, who you should DEFINITELY check out.**_

_**Thanks for reading and please review!**_

_**-Em**_


	20. Chapter 20

**_Disclaimer: If I were Shonda the Grey's promo wouldn't have involved Derek saying, "I came out here to be Chief. Meredith gets in the way of that." Nope. Not at all. _**

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**_AN: Um… the M rated rope is back and… well, it's pretty M rated. The M rated rope is in bold, that's now M rated it is. Feel free to not read that part though:) _**

Meredith woke up the next morning when the sun shined into Derek's room and decided to land on her eyes. She cracked them open before looking at the clock. Six thirty. Much too early to get up if you asked her, especially if your boyfriend insisted on keeping you up half the night, teaching you some new… tricks.

She rolled over and buried her head against Derek's bare shoulder and his arm looped around her, holding her close. He stroked her back a few times and she was pretty sure it was just something he did since she could find no signs of him being awake. To test this she carefully pressed a soft kiss to his shoulder before leaving a soft trail of them to trace up his neck and down his jaw. She was rewarded with a small groan and his grip on her tightened. She grinned softly before carefully moving on top of him. He opened his eyes and smiled at her, pushing her hair out of her face, cupping her cheek.

"Good morning." He said in a low voice before bringing her mouth down to his. She mumbled a good morning as she kissed him back. She pulled away and rested her forehead against his.

"Biology today." She grinned at him and he laughed. "You aren't going to expect any special treatment are you?" He teased and she chuckled.

"No… but if you fail me I hope you're not going to be expecting 'special treatment' either." She laughed and he rolled over so she was underneath him.

"In that case I'm sure Professor Bolton will understand." He said, kissing her slowly and she laughed.

"What are you going to say? 'Sorry sir, Meredith's paper was horrible but I had to pass her because otherwise I might not be able to send her into fits of screaming orgasms followed by my own?'" They laughed and he nodded.

"Yeah, something like that." He chuckled before dropping his mouth to her shoulder and kissing it softly. They looked at each other for a moment before he sighed and got off her.

"As much as I want to take you right now—"

"Derek!" She scolded, but a small smile graced her lips.

"We really do have to get going."

She sighed and nodded her agreement and both of them started to look for the clothes that had been abandoned last night in various rooms. She couldn't find her own shirt so she gave up and settled on his.

"Hey, Mer? Have you seen my—" His head poked out from its previous spot under the bed and he trailed off as he looked at me. "Shirt?" He finished and she saw his eyes rake over her body, causing her skin to heat up. No matter how many times he saw her in his clothes it was never enough and it always made him want her more than ever.

Meredith frowned at him. "Derek, cut it out. You got some yesterday before class and you're not getting any now." She said with a small sparkle in her eye. He grinned at her.

"What if I make you breakfast?" He tried to bargain. She walked over to his side of the bed and kissed him squarely on the mouth.

"No." She said simply, laughing at the incredulous expression on his face. "But you're still making me breakfast." She smiled sweetly at him. She turned to walk away when suddenly she heard footsteps behind her and the next thing she knew she was swept off her feet and in his arms. She laughed and looped her arms around his neck as he carried her out to the kitchen and placed her carefully on the counter before getting out some eggs.

"No pancakes?" She asked with a pout. He went over to her and pecked her on the cheek.

"No." He said, mocking her earlier answer and he laughed when she hit him.

She watched him make her breakfast, taking her bottom lip in her teeth every now and then as she watched him move expertly over the stove, his brow creasing in concentration occasionally. It was incredible how hot it made her. He might not be getting any before class, but he was _definitely_ getting some tonight.

Finally he turned towards her and smiled, placing her eggs on a plate and handing them to her before giving her a fork. She smiled softly and began to eat.

"So. How are we going to do this?" He leaned against the counter, eating his own breakfast.

"Do what?" She asked in between bites.

"Us. How are we going to arrive to class? Together, apart by five minutes, five hours…?" He trailed off and let the question hang in the air.

They'd never really talked about the complications of their relationship, other than the previous relationship he had been attached to. Her being a student and Derek being a TA… would be complicated. He graded some of her papers and he occasionally did the same with her tests. Though usually Bolton graded at least a handful of his students papers. He insisted on being a "hands on professor" even if it killed him.

The point was, if word got out that she was sleeping with him, even if it really was much, much more than that, Derek could technically lose his position, something he'd mentioned he'd wanted to lose before, and if they thought it was serious enough Meredith could be failed and made to retake the course next semester. They'd immediately jump to the conclusion that Derek had been favoring her, and even if she did ask for a chance to prove it and got it, the chances were still slim that she would pass.

"I um, five minutes or so." She whispered, her food suddenly tasting dry in her mouth as she realized just how much they were risking.

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Meredith arrived to class on time. She and Derek had agreed that he would be five minutes late – by agree, she had promised to let him do whatever he wanted to do to her when they both got home later, a plan which he had whole heartedly agreed to and with a gleam in his eye that made her worry a bit.

She slid into a seat and felt Cristina poke her in the back.

"What?" She whispered. "Where's Derek?" She mouthed.

"Sssh!" She hissed before looking around. "He's going to be late." She whispered and Cristina gave her a look.

"Alright, everyone open your textbooks to—" Professor Bolton was interrupted by the sound of a door opening. Derek walked in the room, breathless and hair unkempt.

"Sorry Professor, ran into a bit of trouble with the car it was running low on gas. Had to stop it earlier than usual." He apologized quickly.

Professor Bolton blinked at him for a moment before nodding. "Very well Mr. Shepherd." He said and Derek nodded before taking a seat in a chair next to the main desk. His eyes swept over to Meredith and he gave her a fleeting smile before opening a folder and taking out a pen.

"As I was saying, open page 453 and read until 465. You'll be given a sheet with questions and after that," He returned to his desk, surveying them carefully. "I have a little surprise for you."

Meredith bit back a groan and she heard Derek chuckle. Fighting every urge she had to jump down to his seat and strangle him she flipped open her text book and began to read.

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Meredith was tapping her pencil against her paper, chewing her lip and frowning in concentration. She had just read this in the text and it was the last question. She frowned when she saw a shadow leaning over her desk from behind her, and swallowed when she recognized the two arms being placed on either side of her.

" Problem Miss. Grey?" The familiar voice asked her in a low voice, the owner's mouth near her hear.

"No… not at all Mr. Shepherd." She whispered, trying to keep her breathing under control.

He sensed the change in her mood and he felt how tense she was. He smirked a little and pressed his chest closer to her back and he swore he could practically feel her heart beating.

"Are you sure? You seem a bit… nervous." He whispered in her ear, his lips brushing her cheek slightly.

_"If I'm nervous it's because you're trying to get us caught by practically screwing me in front of the class!"_ She thought to herself before clearing her throat.

"I'm just fine Mr. Shepherd." She assured him, her voice still rough.

He nodded a little and she felt his hair brush hers.

"Alright. But… yell my name,"

She could feel the smirk on his lips.

"If you need my help." He continued before breathing in slightly and pulling away from her.

That did it. She was going to kill him.

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The surprise that was planned for them was a short, three page essay on the topic of their choice.

Ok. So a short three page essay should be nothing complicated. She was confident of herself after her papers were collected and especially so since Derek would be grading hers and a handful of other people's. He knew what she was capable of, he knew her reasoning so there was no reason she shouldn't get at least an adequate grade on this.

Class was dismissed and she filed out along with the other students, giving slight nods to both Professor Bolton and "Mr. Shepherd" before leaving the room quickly, feeling a pair of eyes burning into the back of her body.

She gulped for air as she got outside the room and she leaned against the wall for a few moments with her eyes closed.

What he had done in there was totally uncalled for. With the breathing and the touching and the oh so suggestive tone of his voice and choice of words.

Her breathing finally calmed and she started to walk down the hall again when suddenly she was tapped on the shoulder. She screamed and turned around to face the person.

Cristina gave her a strange look before shaking her head. "Mer, sometimes I wonder about you…" She said.

"So what's the deal with you and McDreamy?"

"What deal?" Meredith asked.

_"So much for normal breathing."_ She thought wryly, for at the mention of Derek's name hers quickened again.

"He was all leany and touchy during class. I thought I might have saw Bolton giving you two a look." She remarked and I stopped in my tracks.

"You did?" She asked and Cristina paused for a moment before shrugging.

"I don't know… he could have been but I don't think he suspects anything. It's not like he can prove it can he? I mean Shepherd's not favoring you so what's the big deal?" Cristina said.

"Right." She nodded. Meredith didn't think that Derek was favoring her… he couldn't be… could he?

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She made it through her remaining two classes of the day, this being one of her lighter days, and she went back to his place, tossing her bag to the floor and kicking off her shoes as she went inside.

He couldn't be favoring her. It was stupid. She was a good student and she didn't need help or special favors from anyone. She didn't need her family reputation to help her get into med school, or any school for that matter, she didn't need to be screwing the TA in order to get good grades during her first year of college.

She paced the living room floor, a habit she had picked up from Derek and she hadn't even realized it. She looked blindly around the room, not taking anything in, too absorbed in her thoughts.

Suddenly she heard the door knob turn and she turned to it, crossing her arms in front of her chest.

An exhausted looking Derek entered the room with his bag hanging by its strap on his shoulder. He closed the door wearily and rubbed a hand over his eyes, blindly making his way to the couch, mumbling a hello to her before dropping his bag to the floor and taking off his shoes with a sigh.

The minute he sat down she bombarded him with questions. "Where the hell have you been?" She asked.

"I was grading papers." He said in the same tired voice.

"Derek, do you favor me?" She asked and he looked up at her.

"What?" He asked confused. "No, no of course not. You're… I think of you like everyone else." He said before dropping his head into his hands, exhausted.

"Then why have all my papers this year been so good when you grade them? Trying to get into my pants as usual or do you have something else in mind?" She shot at him.

"Meredith, please shut up, I have a headache." He groaned. She looked at him for a moment, feeling sorry.

"Fine. Where are the papers?"

"In my bag." He said, rubbing his temples.

She went over to his bag and sat down on the couch before pulling it into her lap. She opened it and began searching through his folders until she found the one she wanted. Flipping it open she quickly scanned the papers before finding hers and her eyes widened when she saw the large red letter.

"Derek?"

He groaned. "What now?" 

"What the hell was wrong with this paper to warrant _this_?" She asked him sharply, shoving the paper in front of him and he looked up.

"Mer, the paper was good, but it wasn't the best." He said.

"It was fine! And no matter how good or bad it was it certainly didn't deserve a _C_!" She exclaimed.

"Meredith, I only gave you what I thought you deserved. I've seen your other papers and they're all brilliant, A plus material no problem, but this just wasn't the best you're capable of—"

"What the hell do you mean what I'm capable of, I know what I'm capable of and you don't!" She shouted, leaping up from the couch.

"Meredith, I know what you're capable of! I've seen your work, I've even seen your work on that particular topic! It's nowhere near as brilliant as what you can do, and I think you can do better if you only tried to put a little effort into it!" He shouted back, headache forgotten as he too stood up.

She sputtered at him indignantly.

"More effort?!" She asked, incredulous. "My effort was fine! I had thirty minutes to write a three page essay, I think I did _fine_!" She yelled.

"Fine is not good Meredith!" He shouted, taking a step towards her.

"Fine is good enough for me!" She screamed.

"I say you can do better and that's final! I'm your TA and what I say goes!"

She stood there for a moment, clearly shocked that he would say such a thing.

"Well, I am your _girlfriend_ so I say that I'm not going to spend one more minute with you than I have to until you _apologize_!" She shouted.

She threw her paper down onto the floor and she started to walk towards the door, but in two quick steps Derek was next to her and he had her firmly by the arms.

"Derek, let go of me." She hissed.

"No." He whispered, his dark eyes boring into hers. Her cheeks were flushed and her lips were red, while his hair was wild and his eyes were burning into hers.

"Derek. Let. Go." She said through clenched teeth. His grip tightened slightly when she attempted to squirm away. He dropped his mouth so low they were nearly touching.

"Derek…." She tried one last time, her arms going weak in his grasp.

"Fuck no." He whispered lowly before capturing his lips with hers. He kissed her roughly for a moment, keeping a firm grasp on her arms before he let one go. She wrapped it around his neck, bringing him closer to her and he placed his free hand on her lower back, pressing her against him. She could feel his arousal pressing against her and she moaned before moving slightly, causing her to rub against him. He let out a groan and let go of her other arm before tangling his hand in her hair.

The kisses they were exchanging were sure to bruise the other's lips but they didn't care. If anything it urged them to make them harder, and soon teeth were scraping as tongues sailed over each other. Derek placed his hand on the back of Meredith's thigh and she pressed down on his shoulders to lift herself up, wrapping her legs around his waist. He held her firmly, careful not to drop her as he broke the kiss to place kisses down her neck and shoulder. He stumbled carefully with her towards his bedroom but there they had a bit of trouble.

Derek pressed her against his door as he took one hand away from her and began to fumble with the knob. He swore angrily against her neck as he turned it even more and finally he rotated slightly so his shoulder was facing the door and he slammed into it.

They fell into the room and he quickly pulled her to him again. He made his way to the bed before she tapped the back of his knee lightly with her foot, and they tumbled backwards onto the bed, him lying on top of her.

**::Rated M:: Rated M:: Rated M:: Rated M:: Rated M:: Rated M:: Rated M:: Rated M:: Rated M:: Rated M:: Rated M:: Rated M:: Rated M:: Rated M:: Rated M:: Rated M:: Rated M:: Rated M:: Rated M:: Rated M:: Rated M:: Rated M:: **

He moaned against her skin and he nipped her neck lightly. She gasped his name and she rocked her hips his, causing him to reach between them and unbutton her pants. He forced her zipper down and moved his head down to her stomach, pressing butterfly kisses to it as he lowered the pants past her hips and tossed them to the floor. He kissed around the edge of her underwear and she moaned.

He looked up and grinned with satisfaction as he saw her chest rising and falling quickly and her mouth open in a silent gasp. He crawled up her body and slipped his hand up her shirt, cupping her breast. She bit her lip before looking at him, her eyes sparkling with desire. She pushed him onto his back and she straddled him, riding his erection through his pants slowly as she kissed his neck, nipping at the skin.

He let out a groan and gripped her hips tightly to set a rhythm. "Oh God, Derek… faster, faster, please." She whimpered and he managed a triumphant smile. He started to move her faster and faster, enjoying the small sounds that came from her throat and the expression on her face was priceless to him. He then started to slow down and he thoroughly enjoyed her frustrated moans and she placed her hands on his face, kissing him hard, murmuring the word against his mouth.

"You can do better Derek." She said lowly, throwing his own words from earlier back to him. She pulled back to look at him and anger ripped through his body as he saw it still resided in her.

He pushed her off him and ripped his shirt over the top of his head, breathing heavily as he threw it away and he pinned her beneath him. She kissed him deeply, pulling at his pants before they both managed to discard them.

He pulled her underwear down and didn't stop for any more foreplay than they had already had because he knew that she was ready.

She placed her hands on the edge of his boxers and with his help she pushed them off. He lay on top of her, breathing heavily before placing himself between her legs and in one swift thrust he was inside of her.

She screamed and arched her back away from the bed shifting her hips slightly. He groaned and dropped his head to her shoulder, biting the skin before withdrawing and slamming into her again. She let out another scream, followed by a cry and her hands held tightly to the pillow beneath her head. He kissed her shoulder as he continued to move at the rough pace he had set, not sparing any reassurances or sweet words. He would regret this in the morning in fact he would hate himself. But for now, all that mattered was that she screamed and screamed for him, that she got over her stubbornness that they got over this together.

He continued to thrust, growing harder each time and he felt her tighten around him. Her shoulders began to shake and he lifted his head, pressing a gentle kiss to her mouth, the only gentle thing he'd done since they started and finally she cried his name as he filled her one final time, and they both released.

**::Rated M:: Rated M:: Rated M:: Rated M:: Rated M:: Rated M:: Rated M:: Rated M:: Rated M:: Rated M:: Rated M:: Rated M:: Rated M:: Rated M:: Rated M:: Rated M:: Rated M:: Rated M:: Rated M:: Rated M:: Rated M:: Rated M:: **

He collapsed on top of her breathing her name and she ran one hand through his now damp curls, still shaking slightly. He rolled away and she turned away from him, curling up and clutching tightly to a pillow whimpering softly. He sighed and felt an intense wave of guilt wash over him for everything that had happened and he moved to place his arm around her. She curled against his chest and he held her, murmuring comforting words and stroking her arms.

Forget hating himself in the morning, he hated himself now. He couldn't believe he'd been that rough with her, he almost broke her. She had asked for it, almost as plain as day when she egged him on, but he shouldn't have paid any attention to it. She didn't deserve to be… to be fucked like that.

"I'm sorry Mer… I'm so, so sorry." He whispered in her ear before kissing it softly. She nodded and turned in his arms so she could rest her head near his chest.

"It's not your fault." She whispered and he held her tighter, shaking his head. "It is… I… I shouldn't have…" He sighed. "I knew better." He said quietly. "You were angry and I just… I let it take control of me, of us." He said, clearly ashamed.

"We'll talk about this in the morning." She whispered sleepily and he nodded, kissing her head.

"Morning." He agreed.

_"And I've hurt myself, by hurting you…."_

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**_Drum roll! This chapter is dedicated to the lovely and talented xiao chan. Why? Well basically because she's awesome. If you haven't read her GA stories yet you really should. They're my favorite addiction and usually when she reviews and asks me for another chapter I hold out and say not until she gives me another one of hers. _**

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**_Yes. They're that good. Her stories are "This Heart" which is a beautifully kind of angsty drama story about MerDer during season two. Go read it yourself if you want more, you won't be disappointed. And also her fantastic story " Seattle Grace Prepatory High School." It's an amazing AU set during high school. Read it. Read them. And then review lots and lots so that way I don't have to remind her to update all the time. LOL, kidding, kidding!! _**

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**_I love reminding you to update. :p _**

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**_Lol. You're the best! _**

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**_Actually I hereby dedicate all chapters written for the next five days to her. Because she's on a trip and can't update my addictions. :( _**

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**_Oh well. _**

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**_Anyway guys. No AN about the story. Why? _**

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**_Because I have a blog now. Insert big grin here. Haha. _**

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**_http(colon)(slash slash)gaficstolen(dot)blogspot(dot)com _**

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**_Read that if you want some insight! I find it quite handy instead of writing a page of it here. Which I seem to be doing anyway. Lol. _**

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**_Thanks for reading and please review! _**

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**_-Em_**

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**_P.S. This chapter was ready on Thursday, but FF was being retarded and wouldn't let me post. So many, MANY thanks to the wonderful people on the GA fic boards for helping me out!!! Mainly Marilyn's Child aka YourOnlyBelle (her pen name here). Muchos Gracias! LOL._**


	21. Chapter 21

_**Disclaimer: If I owned Grey's Anatomy, we would have gotten to see that sex that happened with Mer and Der. We would get to see his "favorite things" and after that he would have wanted to breathe for her for the rest of their lives. And well… I'm sure you've all seen the preview by now. None of that would happen. Except for the Burke and Cristina part. Aww, and goodbye Addie::tear::**_

_**ON WITH THE STORY!**_

Derek awoke the next morning with Meredith in his arms as usual. He looked down at her for a few minutes before the night came flooding back to him and the guilt came rushing back.

He heard her screams in his head and he clenched his jaw. He knew that they had been of want and need, but he couldn't help but feel that they were from pain as well. It broke his heart to think of how much pain he might have put her in.

He looked closer at her and took in all of the damage he'd done to her body. There were some bruises here and there and her lips still hadn't recovered from the heated kisses they'd exchanged. He noticed a few bite marks on her shoulder and a few on his own body as he looked himself over quickly. Her hair was tangled and he ran a hand through it slowly. She stirred in his arms and he whispered soothing words to her, telling her to go back to sleep. She nestled deeper into his arms after she yawned and he pressed a soft kiss to the top of her head. He smiled softly when she snuffled a little and he carefully started to move away from her, pulling his arm out from around her as slowly as he could. He looked at her for a moment before sighing softly and throwing on a few pieces of clothing. He left his shirt on the ground in hopes that she would wear it later and he walked out of the room, quietly shutting the door behind him.

He walked carefully down the short hall to the kitchen and he got out some bread and butter as well as some jellies. He would make them toast for now, something light and gentle – the exact opposite of last night he thought to himself wryly.

He put a few pieces in the toaster and set it to medium-light… just the way she liked it. He sighed and leaned against the counter, running a hand through his hair.

He'd always thought of himself as a considerate person, a person who was able to read others well, one who'd always been able to have self control even in the worst situations. Last night had disproved all of those notions. If he were a considerate person he wouldn't have hurt her so badly; if he were able to read people he would have known it was her anger speaking and if he had _any_ control _at all_ he would have stopped before it had begun.

His nose twitched and he looked towards the toaster before leaping across the room and flicking the switch up. Slightly burned toast popped up and he groaned. He couldn't even be considerate enough to make the toast the way she liked it to be made.

"I hope that's not for me." A soft voice said and he whipped around to look at her. She was in his shirt, just as he had hoped, and her eyes held a strange glow that as she looked at him. Her hair was slightly better, but still the mess he had made it last night, and one of her hands was running over her neck sub-consciously, over one of the several marks he had left on her body.

He opened his mouth to say something but he found his throat was too dry to speak. He cleared his throat before turning around and picking up the burnt toast, walking to the trash. "It's not." He said in a low voice.

Meredith studied him for a moment before walking over to him and wrapping her arms around him. His eyes snapped shut and his body tensed, and when she felt this she held him tighter.

"Derek… what's wrong?" She asked softly.

"Nothing." He managed to answer back. "Nothing at all." He said and she sighed.

"Derek… something's wrong, and I want, I _need_ to know what it is." She said quietly.

He turned in her arms and wrapped his own around her, holding her tightly to his chest. Her head rested on his shoulder and she kissed his neck softly. He clenched his jaw and held her tighter.

"Der… can't breathe!" She gasped softly. He chuckled a little and loosened his grip on her. She lifted her head and looked up at him, her eyes searching his face.

"Derek," She started again and he brushed a few strands of hair away from her face. "Derek, please, talk to me." She whispered.

He said nothing, but continued brushing the hair away from her face. "I… how do you feel this morning?" He asked quietly, not looking her in the eyes.

"I feel… great. A little sore," She paused. "Actually a lot sore." She admitted and he sighed. "But the rest of me is…" She closed her eyes, a soft smile on her face. "Wow." She said simply. "Last night was… and you were… God, it was good." She said with a small moan.

He blinked rapidly. "What?" He finally asked. She opened her eyes and he was surprised to find them darkened with lust. "You… last night. It was probably some of the best sex I've ever had, the best we've ever had." She said. She looked at him for a moment before moving closer. "I think I like that side of you." She murmured her voice low and her mouth near his.

He wanted to take her again right then and there, god he wanted to, but he managed to control himself as he re-played her screams in his mind for what seemed like the millionth time.

"Well… don't get used to it." He said gruffly. She pulled back and looked at him, startled and concerned.

"Derek, seriously. What the hell is wrong with you?" She asked him, forcing him to meet her eyes when he turned his head.

He clenched his jaw to show her he wasn't about to talk, but when her glare worsened he sighed.

"I… I hu-…." He stopped and swallowed, raking one of his hands through his hair in frustration.

"I hurt you last night." He said quietly. "You… I should have stopped, I should have… done less, I just—"

"No." She cut him off immediately.

"What?"

"No." She repeated firmly. "Derek, last night… we were both angry. And it was… it was my fault." She said, making a small face. "Tell Cristina I said that and I'll kill you." She said. He couldn't help but chuckle at that and she moved forward, pressing her chest against his.

"I shouldn't… I didn't want you to favor me, but then that paper… I did do my best on that Derek. I thought you knew that. For a short, three page, thirty minute essay on a subject that I know inside and out, that you _know_ that I know, and with no proof-reading? I did the best that I could. And I don't think it deserves a C." She said.

He opened his mouth to speak but she stopped. "But…" She continued and she swallowed. She took his hand and led him out of the small kitchen to the couch. She sat down and he sat next to her, taking her in his arms.

"I shouldn't have bit your head off. You did what I wanted you to do, but you didn't do it my way so…" She trailed off and gestured with her hands to show that the rest was history.

"You're my… you're my teacher. Sort of." She added quickly. "And you're supposed to teach me the things that I don't understand, and correct me where I'm wrong. Yada, yada, yada." She said, unwilling to continue. He grinned at her and she smiled back before kissing him softly.

"I let our relationship get in the way, and I'm sorry." She said. "And I'm sorry I yelled at you while you had a headache." She said causing him to chuckle.

"Now," She moved around in his lap so she was straddling him.

"What do you say we do something more fun?" She whispered. He placed his hands on her hips and kissed her. "I like that idea."

She grinned brightly. "Breakfast it is!" She laughed, scurrying off him to go to the kitchen, leaving a dumbstruck Derek behind.

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Derek sighed as the door slammed in his face. He and Meredith had had a somewhat unsuccessful breakfast of pancakes – more like pancake batter. They'd tried to make them together but somehow they'd forgotten to turn on the stove. By the time they'd realized this they were in a hurry and could only afford to cook the pancakes until they could be easily flipped without leaking. Needless to say the batter inside of them was still a goopy mess. Warm, but goopy. The mere thought made his stomach churn, and even though he sincerely wanted to get that mess out of his stomach, he didn't fancy tasting it again.

After that they'd had a shower and that's when the trouble started. Meredith began to panic about homework and friends, someone she kept calling her person and also the test that she was supposed to have studied for.

She had then pushed Derek out the door, throwing his bag at his stomach before slamming the door in his face.

He shook his head and turned around, making his way down his steps to the car. He got in and drove to class, fighting off guilt as he looked at a red-nosed, puffy-eyed Addison.

He took his seat and tried to listen to the lecture on theoretical cures for various neurological diseases, but his mind drifted off occasionally to the sniffling, red headed girl that was somewhere in the room. He sighed as he wrote down some information. Meredith was right, Addison needed closure. She needed an apology and she needed it from him. He decided to talk with her after their classes, all of them which they shared since she had arranged their schedule that way before the disaster.

Throughout the rest of the day he found himself wishing that that had been their only class. He had to put up with her sniffles in the next three classes as well as in the hall. Even when he went outside the main building to go across campus he still heard her somehow.

When the end finally did come however, she was nowhere to be found. He searched high and low, asking the few friends she had made so far where she was, and still he had no answers. He remembered that while he and Meredith had been lying in bed that night she had mentioned something about Addison being in an abandoned classroom off an old corridor. It didn't narrow it down much, but it was definitely a start.

He wandered the halls until he came to a section of the building he'd never seen before.

"_Dark, old, dusty… this could be it."_ He thought to himself as he wandered down a corridor. He walked for a bit before he found a door and he walked over to it, carefully opening it.

"_Nothing."_ He thought before shaking his head and closing it, continuing down the hall. He opened what seemed like door after door, until he finally found the one he was looking for. He could tell he had found it even before he'd opened it since he heard her sobs through the heavy door.

He slowly turned the handle and opened the door, poking his head in before opening the door wider and stepping into the room completely.

Addison was sitting at a desk once again and she had her head in her arms as it rested on the table.

"Hey." He said quietly, not sure of what else to say. He could sense her freeze up and she didn't bother to lift her head from the desk as she asked him her question.

"What are you doing here?" She asked, and even though her voice was muffled by the desk and her arms, he could still make out the thickness that it held from the tears.

"I came to talk." He answered her. He began to walk over to the desk that was next to hers and he sat down swiftly before she could stop him. She didn't look up right away, choosing to try to wipe the tears from her face.

"Talk? Why? Don't you have a," She swallowed. "A _girlfriend_ that you can talk to?" She asked, saying the word in a mocking tone. His jaw clenched but he fought to keep himself under control.

"Addie—"

"Don't." She interrupted him sharply. "Just… please don't call me that. Not yet, not… not now." She finished, her tone softening.

He looked at her before nodding slowly. "Alright." He agreed.

They stayed in silence for a few minutes before she finally turned her head to him. He looked at her for a moment and almost winced. It was obvious that she'd been crying a lot. The strands of hair that framed her face were mussed and even though she'd wiped her tears away, a few tracks still stained her face and her makeup was smudged. He looked into her eyes and then he saw it… she was completely and utterly broken. Confused, broken and angry.

"Addison," He began with a sigh. "I'm sorry." He said sincerely. She blinked at him a few times as if waiting for him to continue.

"I'm sorry that I did this. I'm sorry that I," He paused for a moment. "I'm sorry that I cheated on you."

She chuckled dryly. "Wow, Derek. That was touching." She said her voice tinged with sarcasm. He groaned.

"Addison, what do you want me to say? I fell in love with an amazing girl." She sucked in a sharp breath but he continued on. "And I wish it had happened under different circumstances. I wish I weren't her TA, I wish I hadn't had a girlfriend… I wish a lot of things. This is complicated." He said and he paused for a moment to make sure she was listening to him.

"I've told you before though… I can not and will not be sorry for falling in love with her. When… when she's not making me completely furious," He thought about the previous night for a moment. He realized that he was saying things about his girlfriend that he probably shouldn't be saying to his ex-girlfriend, but in that moment he didn't care. Meredith was worth it. It killed him enough that they had to keep their relationship under wraps for now in the public eye, but here… here it was just him and Addison and he didn't have Mark anymore. He _needed_ to tell someone how he felt about her.

"She's making me… she makes me feel like nothing has ever mattered more. I love waking up with her. I love holding her against me, I love her hair…."

He trailed off and his eyes seemed to glaze over as he thought of her.

Addison studied him for a moment. When he had come in to talk with her he had seemed stressed and weary, as if he were dreading the task of apologizing to her. It had grown worse during the little conversation they'd had, but now as he spoke of her and thought of her… he was a man she had never seen before, not once in the five years they had been together. His face was still tired but his eyes were awake and sparkling, a reminiscent gleam in his eyes as if he were recalling something pleasant.

She wasn't just a cheap thing. She wasn't just the slut who had broken a perfectly good five year relationship.

She really meant something to him. He had actually fallen in love with a girl who was nearly six years younger than him. He'd fallen in love with a girl he'd known for five months and slept with after a party which he technically shouldn't even have been to in the first place.

She knew it was the truth and yet it didn't make it hurt any less. But at least now she knew that he wasn't just leaving her for a plaything that he would leave within a month.

Silence stayed between them for awhile before finally she cleared her throat, taking both of them from their thoughts.

"We… we were good right?" She asked tentatively. "We… I mean I know that what we had and what you two… but it was good right?" She asked him with the slightest bit of hope in her voice.

His eyes flickered across her face for a moment before he nodded slowly with a small smile on his face.

"Yeah… it was good." He answered quietly and honestly.

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Derek went back to his place and unlocked the door. He'd spent the rest of the afternoon talking with Addison… just talking for once. It was nice to have her back as a friend. When they had first started going out she was not only his girlfriend but his best girl friend. The deeper they got into that relationship, the more time they spent discussing the coupley issues and they spent less time just being them.

He stepped inside and shut the door, where he found Meredith sitting on his couch with a bowl of ice cream in hand, staring at the TV where a surgical tape was playing. She was so engrossed in it she didn't even notice when he crept up to the couch and sat down next to her. Grinning, he leaned forward and kissed her cheek softly.

Meredith shrieked and she jumped in her seat while the bowl of ice cream jerked in her hands, almost tipping onto his lap. She clutched at the bowl for a moment as she looked at her laughing boyfriend.

"Derek!" She scolded. "Don't do that ever again!" She said and he continued laughing, throwing one arm around her shoulder and he pulled her close.

"Sorry Mer." He said, not sounding sorry at all. She hit him on the chest and turned so her back was against his side. She took a spoonful of ice cream and shoved it in her mouth with a frown on her face as she continued to watch the tape.

"Mer, come on, how was I supposed to resist that?" He asked her with a smile. "You were here sitting on my couch and it looked like you wouldn't move even if a wrecking ball was about to come through here." He said with a chuckle. He smoothed the hair back from her forehead and he kissed her head gently. The only response he got from her was a "hmph" and he sighed.

"I talked with Addison today." He said after a moment and her head spun to look at him. "And?" She asked expectantly. "And… I think it's going to be ok… she was my friend when we started seeing each other but it stopped… I think we can be friends now." He said with a smile on his face. "It'll work somehow… it'll work." He said confidently.

Meredith looked at him for a moment before smiling softly. "Good." She said. She turned her body back to his so her side was pressed against his and she returned her eyes to the screen. She laughed with delight and disbelief when the face was pulled back off the patient and Derek chuckled at her glee. He too became absorbed in the tape, and it was only when she left his side to take the tape out of the VCR when he realized that she had been watching a surgical tape, one that people usually had limited access to. He knew that was interested in the medical field, he even knew that she wanted to be a surgeon someday, but that still didn't explain how she got the tape.

"Mer?" He said as she settled down next to him again, curling up in his arms.

"Mmm?" She acknowledged him. "How did you get that tape?" He asked her as he stroked her hair. He could feel her freeze next to him and he held her head to his shoulder to keep her from escaping.

"I um… family. Some family members are surgeons and they gave me um… a copy of their stock as a graduation present." She said quickly, her voice wavering slightly.

"Mer," He started but she quickly turned in his arms to look him in the eyes. "Derek please… I can't…." She sighed. "I can't tell you about my family." He opened his mouth and she cut him off again. "I know you did, and I know you did it because I asked you to, and I appreciate that… and I'll share things with you, I will it's just…." She paused for a moment. "I don't share. I don't talk, I sleep with guys for a night and the longest relationship I've had with them didn't last for more than two months." Derek swallowed and he was grateful that they'd been together in one way or another for about three months by now.

"This is all new for me. And I'm trying, I really am. This morning when I apologized was hard enough for me. You just…" She bit her lip. "You have to give me some time." She whispered. "I'll answer what I can, but right now there are some things I can't answer for you." She whispered. He looked at her eyes for a moment and he saw a shield over them to hide her emotions. Normally he could tell what she was thinking if he looked hard enough, but now she had put up protection. The thing that worried him the most was that he wasn't sure if it was just to hide her emotions from him or if it was a shield to extensively protect her heart as well.

"Ok." He said quietly and he kissed her gently. He pulled back after a moment and she scanned his face before leaning in and kissing him again, her tongue demanding entrance to his mouth which he readily gave.

Without breaking the kiss she managed to crawl into his lap and she ran her fingers through his hair, turning her face slightly to the side in order to deepen the kiss. His hands played along her back, slipping up her shirt and stroking her spine gently. She broke the kiss and rested her forehead again his, her breathing heavy.

"I love you." She whispered her eyes large and shining as they looked into his. He moved his mouth so it was just in front of hers, and he spoke again. "I love you too." He whispered before gently capturing her mouth in his once more. They shifted so he could lie on top of her and he began to pull her shirt up, planting soft kisses along her throat as he did so. She bit her lip and slowly released it as his hand rested on her breast, softly kneading it with his palm. She pulled at the hem of his shirt and he lifted his body from hers for a moment so she could tug it over his head. Once she had tossed it to the ground, he kissed her again. He made up his mind that this was going to be the exact opposite of last night. He wouldn't hurt her and he wouldn't make her scream, at least not from pain. For once he would take his time and love her.

_You can close your eyes and tell me,_

_That you are a visionary,_

_And maybe you're a… _

_A little scary._

_But you take my breath away._

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_**Hey guys! I'm sorry this chapter took so long. My reason? Self-esteem. Apparently FF has been having some issues lately and alerts were off… so last chapter had my lowest number of hits and reviews pretty much ever… and I was kind of proud of that chapter. It was my longest so far, there was some angry sex in it and I worked hard on it. So imagine my shock when I get hardly any reviews and a small amount of hits… I'm not being greedy for reviews (for once… lol, kidding) I really honestly thought that my chapter sucked that bad. And I don't deal well with insecurities. **_

_**So here comes the part where I beg you for reviews. More for last chapter than this one (though this one would be nice too :)) because I need to hear your thoughts on it. That chapter meant a lot for me, and I need to hear what you think about it. Good and bad (though only constructive bad as usual... or if you seriously honest to God just HATED it, you could at least tell me why and in a nice way, lol)**_

_**Um… so yeah. For all you who've been waiting for an update, thank xiao chan again, lol. Because I got a message from her this morning and she said that she was using my tactics against me... no updates until I update. So if you haven't read This Heart or SGPHS… you don't know why I jumped to update. And if you have then you know EXACTLY why I jumped to update. LOL. **_

_**I'll be blogging about this chapter soon, but it's not guaranteed until sometime after tomorrow. I'm testing for my second degree black belt tomorrow… FINALLY. Urgh, eight long years of miscommunication between me, my family and my instructors and masters has finally paid off and I'm getting to the next level. Kind of scared. I have to get the crap kicked out of me by two people at the same time and I might have to break a board doing a 540 kick… ah!**_

_**So yeah. I might not feel like writing after that experience. Or it could be exactly what I need! We shall see….**_

_**And how insane was Grey's last night?!!??!?!?!???!? Willing to talk to all about their thoughts. Or at least try to talk, I'm kind of still screaming.**_

_**Thank you for reading and PLEASE review (this chapter and last)**_

_**-Em**_


	22. Chapter 22

_**Disclaimer: Now is **__**not**__** the time for you to give up on me. But it **__**is**__** the time for you to stop thinking I own Grey's Anatomy already. Because I don't. If I did, major MAJOR changes would happen. I can't even begin to tell you how major they would be. Change number one? NO SUMMER HIATUS!! But that's not happening, is it?**_

With a final thrust, Meredith gasped Derek's name and he collapsed on top of her on the couch. A fine sheen of sweat shone on both of them as his forehead rested just in the crook of her neck. She managed to maneuver her arms so that one lay across his back, holding him close to her and the other rested on his head, combing through his damp hair. She felt his hot breath against her neck and she smiled softly when she felt him mouth 'I love you' against her neck, over and over again.

He finally lifted his head slightly and she smiled weakly at him. He leant down to kiss her gently and then he carefully started to try to turn them over, sure that his weight must be crushing her. He almost dropped her off the couch but she held tightly to him and his hand flew around her waist as he finally completed the complicated shift. She lay on top of him, nestling her head underneath his chin and she smiled softly while he held tightly to her, loosening his grip occasionally only to have it tighten again moments later as his hand stroked her back lightly.

That had definitely been different from last night. He had been gentle, only picking up the pace when she had urged him to. Every kiss he had placed on her mouth and body had been soft, as if he were trying to heal the marks of the old ones he had left. The heat that usually exploded quickly had lasted forever, and when it finally came it had curled through her body in a way it never had before. It was every bit as good as the night before. But who was she kidding, sex with Derek was always amazing.

"That was great." She said quietly and a smile made its way onto his face. "Glad we agree." He said with a chuckle. She laughed and snuggled closer to him, tracing her fingers lightly over his chest. She knew that had been exactly what he needed; that after last night he wanted to try to 'right his wrong' even though there had definitely been nothing wrong about last night. She could feel the change in him as he held her close and she turned her head to kiss his chest softly. He looked down at her and she rested her chin on his chest, smiling lazily at him.

"You know… I only had one class today." She murmurs, her eyes flickering towards his mouth before looking back at his eyes and she smiled deviously. "So I don't have anything else to do today… and if I remember correctly," She shifted so she was straddling him and she braced herself using her hands on his chest. "You had all of your classes today as well." She said, dropping her mouth to his ear. "We could have fun for the rest of the day…." She suggested in a low voice.

"Mmm… we could." He agreed. "But I seem to remember you saying we could do something fun this morning… and instead we had pancake batter for breakfast." He said, pulling her body down and placing a kiss on her neck.

"I'm not the one who forgot to turn on the stove!" She laughed and he grinned against her skin. "But you should have noticed when the butter didn't start to melt… if you want to be a surgeon you're going to have to learn to look for the little things." He said and she swatted at him as he kissed her shoulder.

"You could have spotted it just as easily." She said.

"I was too busy trying to get the eggshells out of the batter." He shot back at her.

"Derek, I told you, that wasn't my fault! It was a weak egg, who would've known that it would break when you pick it up!"

"Most normal people don't hold an egg in a vice grip when they take it out." He laughed.

She scoffed and pulled the blanket off the back of the couch, wrapping it around herself and shimmying off him before standing up.

"I don't need this. I can go get myself something to eat just fine, and there won't be eggshells in it and it'll be cooked!" She said before turning to go to the bedroom.

"Mer, the kitchen's--"

"I know where the kitchen is." She snapped. "You think I'm going to look for food naked?" She asked. He sat up and pulled his boxers on. "I was kind of hoping for that, yeah." He mumbled to himself before getting up and following her.

She was pulling on a pair of pants when she saw him in the full length mirror.

"What do you want?" She asked. He fought back a smile as he walked over to her. "Mer, you know I'm just kidding." He said and he wrapped his arms around her.

"I know." She finally sighed, leaning back against his chest. "I'm just… very competitive." She said and he nuzzled her neck. "This could become a problem. I plan to be the best surgeon there is you know. And if I have someone competing with me for it… well neither one of us would live for very long." He said with a smile.

"But you'd be willing to give it up for me to take that title right?" She teased lightly and he chuckled.

"Definitely." He said, kissing her cheek.

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"Say it." She said, grinning wickedly as she sat next to him on the couch. He was dressed in his boxers and a t-shirt while she had put on jeans and a light sweater.

"No." He managed to say through a stuffed mouth.

"Come on, say it!" She chuckled. "It's easy. Meredith. Made. Something. Edible." She said, and again he shook his head. "Sandwiches, Mer. Sandwiches don't count." He said and she pouted.

"Why not? Comfort food counts as cooking." She insisted.

"Comfort food?" Derek asked, quirking an eyebrow at her before taking another bite.

"Sandwiches are comfort food." She said as if she were reciting some great unknown fact that everyone should know and she took a bite of her own sandwich.

"But it's not real cooking." He said. "Slap a couple of pieces of meat and cheese onto bread with some mayo or mustard--" He flourished his hand before tearing another bite off.

She frowned at him. "Der, it's--"

She was cut off by the sound of a phone ringing. She frowned and handed him her sandwich, and he smiled delightedly at her.

"Don't you dare, if even one crumb is missing from that bread, so help me…." Her threat trailed off as the phone rang again and she searched for her cell phone until she finally found it. Taking a quick look at the caller I.D., she flipped it open.

"Hello?"

"Meredith! Where the hell have you been?"

"Cristina?" She asked, pressing her free hand to her other ear.

"No, Ellis Grey." Cristina said and Meredith froze.

"Um… sorry, what?" Meredith stuttered.

There was a pause on the other end before Cristina finally spoke.

"What the hell have you been doing? Are you drunk right now?" She asked.

"Whatever, I don't want to know." She continued. "Where are you? We haven't seen you in weeks--"

"We?" Meredith questioned her.

"We. Me, George, the rest of the goons. Oh, and some guy, Mark, I think, came looking for you. He's hot." She added and Meredith chuckled a little.

"He's um, something else, that's for sure."

"So?" Cristina said expectantly.

"I've been with Derek." Meredith finally answered her.

"Derek?" Cristina said, incredulous. "Seriously? I mean, I knew you two were sleeping together but now you're what, living with him or something?"

Meredith swallowed. "No…." She said carefully. "I'm just… I'm not living with him, I just haven't been back to the dorm in over…."

"In almost two weeks, Mer." Cristina said dryly.

"Oh."

"Yeah, oh." Cristina sighed. "Look, I don't really care about that right now. Although a little heads up would have been nice so I would know that I'd have this place to myself for awhile. But you need to get your ass down to the library right now."

"Why?"

"Seriously. You have got to be kidding me. That lame study group that George set up? Remember that? The one that you've been missing recently?"

"Crap." Meredith breathed.

"George finally started whining about how you never show up anymore so I decided to call you. And now that you're talking to me you need to get down here. I'm sure you can tear yourself away from McDreamy for three hours." She said.

"Alright, I'll be there in five." She said with a sigh before hanging up. She turned to Derek who was giving her a questioning look as he chewed his food.

"I gotta go." She said dropping onto the couch and taking her sandwich back before giving him a quick peck on the cheek. He blinked at her before hurriedly swallowing. "Go? Go where?" He asked quickly.

"Study group. I've missed it for the past two weeks. And I think I'll head back to the dorm tonight, Cristina… my roommate," She informed him when he looked as if he were struggling to remember details. "She called and said that I haven't been there for awhile. I might want to reclaim my territory if I have any hope of ever returning there again." She said, searching for her books and stuffing them into her bag

"But… what about fun? How are we supposed to have fun?" Derek asked weakly. He knew they should have had fun before sandwiches. Fun trumped everything in his book.

She chewed her lip as she slung her bag over her shoulder. "You could always come by my place tonight. Or maybe… if you come to the library you could save me from the torture of three hours of learning about god knows what." She suggested and he chuckled.

"I'll see what I can do." He said and she smiled brightly at him before kissing him firmly on the mouth.

"See you." She said.

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Meredith rushed into the library and scanned it quickly before spotting the table in the center of the floor that her friends occupied. She rushed over to them and jerked a chair out, plopping onto it out of breath.

"Hey guys." She breathed. She scanned the table and was somewhat surprised to see a few faces that she didn't know, as well as their human anatomy TA, Preston Burke.

"Um…" She stuttered a little as she slowly pulled a book out of her bag and several blank faces looked back at her. George blinked at her for a moment before offering her a small smile.

"Welcome back, Mer. We thought you fell off the face of the earth." He said and Cristina snorted.

"If you can fall off the earth for having screaming orgasms then-- ow!" She muttered as Meredith managed to kick her under the table. The TA let out a low chuckle and a smile spread across his face.

"Nice of you to join us Meredith." He said, offering his hand while giving her a warm smile. She smiled back just as nicely and shook his hand.

"Thank you." She said and he withdrew his hand before pointing around the table.

"Of course you know Cristina and George and your other friends. This is Alex Karev," He pointed to a frat boy who grinned cockily at her. "And Isobel Stevens." He said, motioning towards a bubbly blonde who smiled brightly at her. "You can call me Izzie." She said. Meredith smiled warily at her and caught Cristina's eye across the table, who snorted and shook her head.

"Alright I think that takes care of the introductions, unless--" Burke stopped talking when he saw a cocky figure making its way toward their table. He straightened up and forced a smile entirely different from the one he'd given Meredith.

"Sloan." He greeted and he somehow managed to hide a certain amount of distaste from his voice. Mark grinned at him. "Burke! Good to see you." He replied, making his way to Meredith's side of the table and sitting down. The entire table blinked at him and they were further confused when he placed his arm around Meredith, who seemed to be equally as confused.

"Sloan? If you don't mind my asking, what are you doing here?" Burke asked, crossing his arms.

"Oh you know. Just… relearning my anatomy." He said while winking at Meredith and casting appreciative glances towards Cristina and Izzie. Meredith felt a smile tug at her lips. He was indefatigable. Even when he only had eyes for Addison, he still couldn't resist keeping the rest of the women on campus on their toes.

Burke coughed and cleared his throat, taking off his glasses to clean them. "Ah, well, that should be…" He trailed off, looking for a word to describe the experience and he looked around the library as if he were going to find it floating by in the classic literature section.

"Shepherd!" He said suddenly and Meredith's head whipped around and her eyes landed on Derek… a semi-angry Derek who clearly didn't like the sight of Mark Sloan's Manwhore extraordinaire arm draped around his girlfriend.

"Shep! Have a seat." Mark called, moving away from Meredith, who somehow doubted he was doing it just to give him a seat.

"Yes, perhaps you could relearn your anatomy as well." Burke said as Derek got closer to the table. Derek gave Meredith a puzzled look who jerked her head towards Mark and for the first time in awhile, Derek looked as though he might actually laugh at Mark's actions.

He took a seat next to Meredith and grinned at her, leaning back in his chair with his arms crossed over his chest.

"I don't know Burke, I think my knowledge of anatomy is just fine. I seem to remember how everything… works." He said. Meredith snorted and turned away from him.

"Alright, lets get on with it." Burke said, finally breaking the moment.

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"You know… the last time we were in the library looking at books, I had you against a shelf in a matter of minutes." Derek whispered in her ear. The rather eventful study group had just let out, and now Meredith was looking for a certain book that Burke had said would help her out. Derek had to follow her of course and make suggestions every five seconds.

"Derek," She sighed. "What?" He asked innocently. "It's true! I could prove it too. I bet I could do it again."

"When? When could you do it again?" Meredith said flatly. Derek's hand snaked around her waist and he pulled her close to him. "Oh, I don't know. Right about now." He whispered roughly and in a flash she was pinned between himself and a bookshelf.

"Derek! That's not fair!" She attempted to wriggle from his grasp. "How was I supposed to know there was a shelf right next to me?" She asked.

"Well if you'd been paying attention and you looked at me and your surroundings instead of that book more often then you wouldn't be in this situation." He said, pressing a kiss to her neck and she sighed.

"Der… we can't." She breathed as he trailed soft kisses up and down her neck and jaw.

"Yes we can… we'll be quiet." He whispered, nipping at her ear and a soft moan escaped her mouth as she managed to slip the book onto the shelf above her with his help.

"Derek, seriously." She whispered as his hand slid up her shirt and he stroked her stomach softly before moving it higher and cupping her breast. She breathed his name and moved her hips towards his and he groaned at the contact, squeezing her breast gently.

"We can't actually… clothes have to stay on Der." She whispered.

"Ruin my fun why don't you." He mumbled against her skin and she chuckled softly.

"And we could take off our pants… just a little… there are lots of dark corners here, one of which we're in." He said, his hand reaching for her pants and he ran his finger along the button.

"Not dark enough. Do you really want some senior to see your girlfriend naked from the waist down?" She asked and he pulled back to look at her with a frown on his face.

"Forget it." He said kissing her quickly.

"What are you jealous?" She teased.

"I don't get jealous. I just don't like to share what's mine." He said, crossing his arms over his chest. She arched an eyebrow.

"I'm yours am I?" She asked, opening a book and leafing through it. He thought for a moment before answering.

"You? No. Naked you? Most definitely." He amended and she nodded, satisfied with his answer.

"Help me find the book I need and then we can go… have fun." She said, smirking at him over her shoulder.

"You know what's faster then having your boyfriend help you look for what you need?"

He asked her.

"What?"

"The internet." He said.

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She moaned against his mouth as he pressed her against her dormitory door. She fumbled behind her, trying to turn the knob and she let out a frustrated groan, breaking the kiss.

"Keys. We, I need my keys." She said, fishing them out. He took them from her and kissed her again, slipping the key into the lock and jerking it franticly until finally he felt the door give beneath her and they stumbled into her dorm.

He kicked the door closed and quickly lifted her up when all of a sudden there was a retching sound. They broke the kiss and they saw Cristina on her bed, reading a book. At least she was. Currently she was making fake vomit sounds as if she were a small child who had seen her parents exchange a friendly peck on the lips.

"Ok, seriously, if you guys are going to come in here attacking each other like that after you've left me here alone for the past two weeks, you could at _least_ give me some warning." Cristina said, swinging her legs over the side of the bed and she got up, moving to go to the bathroom.

"Oh, by the way Mer," She scratched her already mussed hair, trying to remember what she had been saying.

"Some guy from Rose something called."

Meredith tensed in Derek's arms and he looked at her, concerned.

"They wanted you to call them back. Something about this annual reunion they have every year for… patients? People, patients? Something like that." Cristina said.

"And he also said it's been awhile since he'd seen you. Wanted to make sure everything was alright or if there was some sort of problem with the schedule." She said.

Now it was Derek's turn to tense and he looked at Meredith, fighting off suspicion. She'd been with him since she started college. Even in the time when they weren't speaking to each other she'd been there….

"_The only time she's left her dorm room is to go to class or… somewhere else. She has coffee with me once every two weeks, and once a month or so she takes off to God only knows where. She just leaves, and those are the only time she ever gets out."_

Mark's voice rang in his ears. He knew that she was getting out a lot more now; he'd been dragging her with him to do the sort of things people did when they were first in love. He'd hated that stuff before, but Meredith made it fun. But what had they been doing before that? Had she actually gone missing from campus and he'd been too blind to notice it?

And patients?

Thoughts piled into his head and he tried to clear his head of all of them. He refused to believe anything until Meredith told him otherwise. She had already warned him that she wasn't able to communicate, but if there was really something wrong with her in anyway… she would have told him… wouldn't she?

_Now you'll know what it feels like to bite your tongue  
Now you'll know what it feels like to be the one  
Who walks around with knots in your stomach  
I've been there, and I've done it  
And now you'll know what it feels like  
To always be afraid  
Of everything you wanted to say  
Who's sorry now_

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_**Woohoo! So it's up! I kept that promise that I made to xiao chan and so many others. Cause I'm good like that, lol. **_

_**So this chapter starts out pretty light and easy going. And we meet some "new" people. I didn't touch on Addie and Mark much here 'cause they didn't fit. **_

_**Betcha thought this was going to be a long fluffy, filler huh? HA. I wish. **_

_**Alright, that's it for here. Check my blog, I've had the blog written on chapter 21 since Sunday or so. And the blog for this chapter should be up by Thursday. **_

_**Thank you SO much to EVERYONE who reviewed last chapter!! Your encouragement means the world to me! I'll continue to thank you in the blog. I'm trying to cut down on the size of these authors notes. It's not going so well, lol.**_

_**Thanks for reading and **__**please**__** review!**_

_**Ta-ta for now!**_


	23. Chapter 23

_**Disclaimer: No matter what happens, Meredith will never have to be worried in this fic. Never. Not once. Because no matter how bad things may get, this will always be a MerDer story, and they will always work out. Always. Never fear. I could ramble on. But I won't. I just don't own Grey's. Because if I did, McBastard wouldn't be alive. He wouldn't even have been invented in the first place. He's not worth this pain and suffering and the lack of oxygen going to my brain. Nuh uh. **_

Meredith slid out of Derek's arms.

"I have to make a phone call." She said softly, kissing him on the cheek before taking her phone out of her pocket and going to the corner of the dorm that was farthest away from him.

Derek numbly let her go before nodding half-heartedly to show that he had heard her. He watched her crouching in the corner, speaking low, urgent words into her phone. She was stable, mentally stable… at least she seemed to be. Mentally ill people didn't go to college and have boyfriends did they? They didn't write brilliant essays, they didn't manage to keep up quite as well did they? They didn't have friends and go to parties and they didn't twist and bend in so many ways that made his head spin just to think about them.

But what if it were something else?

Derek sighed and ran his hand over his face, suddenly feeling very tired. He blinked a few times and saw Meredith nodding before she hung up the phone and returned to him. She looked up at him and he saw the look she had held in her eyes before Cristina told them about the phone call return… he wanted to, God, he wanted to, but he couldn't… he needed to think and he definitely didn't think when he was having sex with her.

She looped her fingers into his collar and pulled his mouth down to hers in a deep, hungry kiss. She moved her lips over his in a soft, gentle pattern and beneath the power of it he felt her need to be healed. He groaned and wrapped his arms around her waist, pulling her close before threading one of his hands through her hair, tugging her head back as he placed rough kisses on her neck and jaw. She moaned his name softly but he got no satisfaction from it. Mechanically he slid his hand beneath her shirt to cup her breast, but in a moment he had withdrawn it, pulling away from her and cursing as he ran a hand through his hair.

"Derek?" She questioned him softly. He turned to look at her, her with the swollen lips, tousled hair and rumpled shirt.

"Der, what's wrong?" She pressed and he sighed. "I don't know, I just…" He looked at her for a moment, he truly looked at her. Her eyes were shining; they held lust, love and confusion. He tried to look deeper and he swore to himself he couldn't find anything wrong with her, but then that was the point of being put in a… in an asylum, in a home, in a nut house wasn't it? Whatever you called it, the point was that you were sent there so you could be healed.

"I can't… I'm sorry, Mer, I've gotta go." He said.

"What? I um… well, ok, if you… if you need to." She said quietly, confusion etched into her face. He kissed her forehead absentmindedly and placed his hand on her cheek.

"I'll see you… I'll call you." He said and gave her a quick smile before leaving the room.

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Eventually Cristina came out from the bathroom, and when she did she was surprised to see her friend sitting on her bed in sweats and reading a book.

"Where'd McDreamy go?" She asked. Meredith looked up at her and paused before shutting her book.

"Why the hell did you tell me about the call in front of him?" She asked with a glint in her eye.

"Uh, because you haven't been here in ages and the dude called late last week." Cristina answered in a "duh" tone of voice. "I figured you'd wanna know." She said, flopping down onto her own bed and opening a book.

Meredith paused and bit her lip.

"Is it… bad if you don't tell your boyfriend something… something that's a big, huge part of your life and history?" Meredith asked her. Cristina drew her eyes away from the book and looked at her, her brow furrowed.

"Oh what did you do?"

"Nothing! I didn't do anything! Why do you always assume that I did something?" She shot back at her.

"_It's what I didn't do, rather didn't say anyway."_ She thought to herself.

"I'm just… asking a question." She muttered.

Cristina sat up in her bed and looked at her.

"How big are we talking?"

Meredith paused to weigh it in her mind.

"Pretty big… big because it's information that I've purposely withheld because I don't want him to date me just because…." She trailed off, not wanting to finish her sentence.

"Did you cheat on him?" Cristina asked matter of factly.

Meredith's eyes immediately widened. "What? No, no of course not! He's Derek, I wouldn't… no, I didn't cheat on him." She said quickly.

Cristina shrugged.

"Then it's probably not that big of a deal."

Meredith sighed and flipped through her book.

"Unless of course you haven't told him your Mother is Ellis Grey."

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The minute Derek got home he paced the floor furiously. She couldn't be sick, she couldn't have anything wrong with her. She was his Meredith, _his Meredith_ for Christ's sake. She was so many things but sick was definitely not one of them and neither was recovering.

He stopped and stood in the middle of his living room, staring at the wall for a moment. He sounded like a broken record of denial in his mind's ear, insisting that Meredith was perfect and that she wasn't sick.

"_Some guy from Rose something called."_

Cristina's voice ran through his head and he snorted with amusement and bitterness. Rose. Didn't every asylum always have Rose in it?

"_They wanted you to call them back. Something about this annual reunion they have every year for… patients? People, patients? Something like that."_

Patients. Why would a place with patients and reunions be calling Meredith unless she was a patient that was invited to the reunion? The "Congratulations, I'm not nuts anymore" reunion?

He straightened up after a moment. Kathleen. Why the hell hadn't he thought of her before.

His hand flew to his pocket and he drew out his cell phone. He flipped it open and quickly went through his phone book, jamming his finger down on the select key as he found her number and he put the phone to his ear, waiting for her to answer impatiently.

"Hello?" The mature and girly voice of his oldest sister came over the phone.

"Kath? It's me." He said.

"Derek! Hi, what a surprise! How's the year going so far, I—"

"Kath, I need you to do something for me." He cut her off.

"Say that again? I'm not quite sure I heard you the first time." Kathleen said in a teasing tone, but Derek wasn't in the mood for it.

"Kathleen, I'm serious." He groaned. There was a pause on the other line before his sister broke out her crisp, professional voice that she used when talking about her future job and anything associated with it.

"What is it, Derek?" She asked and he sighed.

"I need you to…." He swallowed.

"Derek, I can't help you if you don't tell me what you need." Kathleen said, impatiently.

"I need you to get a record of all patients that were in asylums in this state as well as…" He thought quickly.

"Washington and Massachusetts." He said. "I need you to get a record for all female patients that were between…. Fifteen and eighteen years of age, at least for starters." 

"Derek!" She said, shock in her voice. "Do you know how many records I'd have to dig through to get that information and how many more would still be left with that description? Where you are alone, I'm sure there's—"

"I have a patient's name, Kath." He interrupted her once more.

"Why didn't you say so, what is it?" She asked.

Derek closed his eyes and clenched his jaw. God knew he'd already thought it to himself a thousand times over but saying it now, saying her name as a patients name made it real.

"Meredith Grey." He said slowly.

"Grey… Grey, Grey, Grey…" Kathleen said as if pondering the name. "That sounds so familiar." She said and his heart sank into his stomach. If it sounded familiar that was a bad sign, she'd probably been some sort of famous case that Kathleen had done a paper on. The girl who'd gone mental from too many one night stands. At his last thought he winced; he couldn't believe he'd been that cruel to her, even if it was in his mind.

"I gotta go… call me if you find anything." He said and he hung up without waiting for her goodbye.

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Meredith blinked at her roommate for a moment, too stunned to speak or even move.

"Wh… how did you… and when…." She started questions that never got beyond the first few words and Cristina shook her head.

"Please, it was only too obvious. You're brilliant in our med classes, you know all the most recent surgeries inside and out, not to mention her surgeries," Cristina looked at her. "And the copy of Gray's Anatomy with Ellis Grey written inside of it was kind of a dead giveaway." She snickered.

Meredith groaned. "Please, tell me you didn't say anything to anyone?" Meredith asked her.

"Relax, Mer, I didn't tell a soul. My lips are sealed." Cristina did a zipping motion across her mouth and shrugged.

"It's not like anyone cares anyway. They'd all think it's cool, you're surrounded by a bunch of medical nuts." She said.

"I'd care. They'd all think that I got into Dartmouth just because of my Mother, which I probably did. And they'd think I've been getting good grades in Bio because I'm screwing the TA. They'd think I'd be freefalling through life because I've got 'connections' and it'd carry over to whichever hospital I do my residency at." She paused her ramble, out of breath and Cristina looked at her.

"Like I said: Big. Deal."

"It is." Meredith said. "They'd all want to meet her."

"Can I meet her?" 

"No."

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Derek lay down on his couch, his hand over his eyes against the bright light that filled the room. It had only been two hours since he and Kathleen had spoken but it felt like two decades. Each minute that passed he felt his heart beat a little slower, a little heavier.

Suddenly there was a knock at his door and his hand flew from his eyes as he leapt up from the couch. In two steps he was across the room and he stopped when he saw who was there.

"Mer… what are you doing here?"

His girlfriend was standing in front of him, her hair mussed from the storm that he just realized was raging and her eyes were wide and sorrowful.

"Derek…." She whispered his name and he felt his stomach drop again for the record hundredth time that night.

"Meredith what's wrong?" He asked, grabbing her arm firmly yet gently as he pulled her inside, shutting the door behind her.

"I—" She paused her speech. She looked up at him and in a moment her lips were on his. She deepened the kiss and snaked her arms around his neck, lifting herself up on her toes slightly to push herself closer and he groaned when he felt her rubbing against him.

"Meredith," He broke the kiss breathlessly, holding her close to his body.

"What are you—"

"Please, Der… I know you left, and I know you're busy but please… I need this." She whispered, dropping her gaze slightly.

"I need you." She admitted.

"Mer… if something's wrong we need to talk." He said, feeling half sick and half hopeful; perhaps she'd come to him to tell him about her history.

"No, Der." She shook her head. "I… no." She said. She raised he gaze again and looked directly into his eyes.

"I need you." She said again with a hint of desperation in her voice. Blue pierced green and in a moment he nodded before pressing his mouth to hers. She'd come there to "fess up" not to attack him. But she'd gotten to his apartment and she'd been weak with need. Some of it was left over from before, but some of it was new. She needed him at that moment and she couldn't risk shattering whatever image he had of her. There were several possible reactions that he could have and all of them spelled trouble. So she distracted him with her body and their common need to be together.

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She moaned into the kiss and his hands traveled to her ass, lifting her up and cupping her bottom as she pressed against him. The next thing she felt was her back against a wall and his lips aggressively attacking her neck. He nipped at her collar bone and she cried out softly as he licked the reddened skin.

She gripped his shoulders, her hands fisting in his sweater and she made tugging motions to try to pull it over his head. After a great amount of twisting and nearly dropping Meredith to the floor, they finally managed to get his shirt off. His hand slipped under her sweatshirt and he stroked the soft skin of her stomach before climbing higher and higher until his hand was cupping her breast. She moaned as his thumb grazed her nipple and suddenly his hips were pressed firmly against hers, his erection pressing directly against her center. She panted his name and he carefully started to pull her sweatshirt off and once it was removed he tossed it to the floor.

She moaned his name softly as she raked her hands over his shoulders and he thrust his hips against hers, causing her to cry out at the barely there contact.

"Der…" She half panted, half moaned and he carefully let her down. He kissed her and slowly rolled the top of her sweat pants down before he broke the kiss and dropped down, rolling the pants past her knees as he pressed kisses to her stomach across the line of her underwear. She ran her hands through his hair and grabbed at the unruly curls as he hooked his thumbs into the top of her panties and slowly pulled them down, kissing even further down her stomach and moving to the inside of her thighs. He looked up at her; her eyes were shining and her lips were swollen. Her chest rose and fell quickly and unevenly and she slowly licked her lips. Her grip on his hair tightened even further when he slowly tilted his head back down and leaned forward, licking her in one long, slow line. She moaned his name, dragging it out as he licked again, a little more insistent this time. He placed his hands on her hips and he sucked softly on her wetness before moving a finger inside of her. She tightened instantly and cried out his name, coming instantly. He continued to move his finger in and out before slipping another one in her.

"Der… Der, I can't, I need… oh god yes." She cried. He quickened his pace needing her to come for him again and when she finally did her knees trembled from the force of it.

He softly kissed her thighs and stomach, moving upwards. He finally stood to his full height and looked at her, desire evident in every feature of his face. Her hand went to his buckle and she undid it with trembling hands before unbuttoning his pants and pulling the zipper down, pushing the edges of his jeans past his hips just enough to set him free. He lifted her up high again and he looked deep within her eyes before he thrust up inside of her.

Her back arched away from the wall and her head tilted back in a soundless scream; he withdrew before shifting and pushing upwards again, sending himself a little deeper and he groaned at the contact. She gripped him tightly as he continued his thrusts, continually going deeper and harder. He groaned her name and dropped his forehead to her shoulder, his slight stubble burning across her soft skin when he nuzzled her neck. He sucked softly on her collar bone, picking up his pace as he bent his knees to change the angle of his entrance. She called his name, her nails clawing at him and she squeezed him tight and he felt her getting tighter and tighter. He kissed her deeply and smiled against her mouth; she was close to release, he could feel it, with each thrust he gave she came closer and closer.

Finally she tore her mouth from his and screamed his name, near tears as the heat spread through her body. He grunted and gave a few more hard thrusts before spilling into her, moaning her name in relief.

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Not long after, he felt his knees go weak beneath him and he sank to the floor with her, still inside of her. He rested his forehead against hers, panting and breathing her name occasionally while soft whimpers tumbled from her mouth. He kissed her lightly, once, twice then a third time before he pulled her into a tight embrace, the anger, confusion, hurt and frustration that had been felt by the both of them forgotten for the moment as they lay against the wall, spent in each other's arms.

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_**Hey guys. I just saw Grey's three hours ago. And I've had the majority of this written for the past two weeks or so. But last week, and tonight… so not working. I saw the episode tonight, got real upset and came to my computer to finish writing the sex scene. So um… I just saw Grey's people. Please forgive me, I'm not expecting it to be any good. Because it's kindda hard to write porny Derek when I want to kill him.**_

_**Blogs for chapters twenty two and twenty three shall be up soon. And I'm starting a Let's Kill Derek Shepherd Club. Who wants in? I'll send you a sign I'm making. And I'm dead serious about the club and the sign. They're both happening. Especially if you saw the preview. **_

_**I'll talk to you all about Grey's later and in the blog!! **_

_**Ta-ta for now!**_


	24. Chapter 24

_**Disclaimer: After that finale… well, if I owned the show, we'd be doing a hell of a lot more than just breathing. Barely breathing might I add.**_

_**Sorry this wasn't up sooner… I had this planned, but then… I had to put my cat down on Monday… which sucks, and it was hard as hell… I'm still not over it… and school has also been in the way, and I've been writing this other fic… Make This Go On Forever… I like it, maybe you should check it out! HAHA. On with the story!**_

Derek woke up the next morning in his bed alone. After his and Meredith's… escapade… against the wall last night, they'd spent some time in each other's arms before she'd done something she hadn't done in almost the entire time he'd known her… she'd started to panic. She seemed to come to her senses, she started to ramble as she pulled her clothes on and she'd shut the door in his face on her way out, without even saying goodbye. She'd always been a little flighty at times, but this was relatively new for him.

He ran a tired hand over his face, sighing as he got up and went to the kitchen, pouring a cup of day old coffee into a mug. He glared at it a little before warming it up in the microwave. Gulping it down in a few swallows he shuddered and made a wry face before going to the bathroom and picking up his razor. He looked at it for a moment before throwing it down in the sink and looking at himself in the mirror.

What the hell had that been last night? Somehow or another, they always wound up having sex when one of them was in some sort of trouble… that first night had been a fluke… and the second time they had both been hurting… the third time was relief from Addison and every time after that had been purely avoidance… after they found out she wasn't pregnant that… that was relief… that was real, I-love-you-I'm-glad-we're-together-now-sex. It was real. And then that call had come and everything had gone right out the window.

He was tired… he was so, so tired. Drained, emotionally and physically. And now he began to wonder if… he knew he loved Meredith… but he began to wonder if maybe she was just a feel good… _toy_ for him. The sex, that's what really made him wonder. All the sex, all the time.

Or was he only a feel good toy for her?

He cared about her, that much he knew, which is why he asked Kathleen to check… she would have access to the records, and while they may not tell him exactly what was wrong with her because of that damned law, he could at least get an idea of what happened with her. If anything at all.

He shook his head, running his hand through his hair, deciding to forego the razor and shower that day. Hell, he might skip class all together and just stay in and sleep. He'd regret it later on, but right now… he needed this.

He trudged back to his room and threw himself in the bed, falling back asleep almost the moment his head hit the pillow.

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Meredith was sore. She was sore and tired. Everything was exhausting. Her mother was exhausting. Classes… and Derek. Derek had this annoying habit of being the perfect boyfriend. Even when she had gone to his place last night and jumped him, even when she knew she something was wrong with him. He had given her sex, sex that she needed… or at least thought she needed, even when something was clearly troubling him. It was wrong and stupid and selfish of her to have asked that of him, but still… it just proved that he was all too perfect.

She sipped her coffee on her way to class with Cristina, walking in complete silence; if Cristina knew there was something wrong with her then she didn't let on.

She sat in the back of the classroom, only doing what was asked of her, not volunteering any information. The professor noticed this as she was usually second brightest in the class… next to Cristina of course. Before he could talk with her, however, she had left the classroom, lost in the crowd of students that Derek constantly complained about never being able to find her in.

She walked numbly to her next class. That was her day really; she went about it in a numb way, repeating the same cycle in each class. She had a test in one of them which she was sure she failed, and after that she decided to stop for the day, blowing Cristina off when she asked her where she was going. She went back to the dorm, dropping her bag on the floor and pushing her pants to the floor, crawling into her bed.

The annual reunion that was held every year at the home. How could she have forgotten about it? She supposed with school and Derek, it must have been easy to forget… she snorted to herself as she thought that, obviously it had been easy to forget. She'd done it, hadn't she?

She sighed, laying down in her bed, pulling the covers up around her and staring blankly into space, lost in her thoughts. Every year the home had a reunion of sorts… a party for the patients and their family members. And every year Meredith was faced with the decision of to go or not to go. And every year she beat herself up over it; thinking about the home and what it meant… or rather what it didn't mean. It meant that the only family she ever had didn't even remember her… or at least not the current day her. But it didn't mean that she was missing much… because the family that she had barely known she existed when she could remember.

And truthfully, she didn't know whether lucid Ellis Grey was better or worse than the Ellis Grey that resided in the home.

She needed Derek. She just needed him, she needed him to hold her. But she wouldn't go to him now, not after last night, not when she… not when she had once again been selfish and put her own needs above other's last night.

"_Just like Mommy said I did._" She thought to herself in a dry tone. She suddenly felt very cold, and she rubbed her arms, pulling the blankets tighter around her. She closed her eyes, rubbing her arms and at some point, she wasn't sure when, she began to rock softly in her bed.

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Derek woke up and the midday sun was shining in his eyes. He winced and rolled away from it, burying his face against a pillow. He breathed in deeply and smelled faint traces of lavender… lavender….

Meredith.

He groaned as he remembered everything that had escaped him during his deep and restful sleep. After a moment he sighed and sat up, reaching for his phone to check for new messages that he might have missed. His heart skipped a beat as he saw one from Kathleen and he quickly punched in the code before pressing his ear to the phone to listen.

"_Der, it's me. I've managed to pull up the names of girls in the age range you ask for, but there's no luck with anyone by that name. Either there's nothing to find or she's extremely important and very well hidden. Not even a name, Derek. I'm sorry. Maybe… I mean, it's a good thing, isn't it? I gotta go, I'll talk with you later. Bye, Der."_

He sighed as the message ended. So there was no record of her. Anywhere. Not even a name. He felt incredibly relieved, but he still got the feeling that something wasn't quite right. He brushed it off with a groan when he saw that his next message was from his mother.

"_Der, honey, it's Mom. Where have you been? I know you're busy with school, but you have to come visit soon, or at least make plans to! And Christmas is coming up, you have to come home for that. We all miss you terribly, and we have no idea what is going on in your life!"_

All of this was delivered in a light, sweet, mothering tone of voice. The next part was grave.

"_Sweetheart, Kathleen told me about this girl you're…. dating, Meredith. You think she has a medical record?"_

He groaned and fought the urge to slam his phone shut.

"_I respect that you don't love Addie anymore… even if she was a _wonderful_ girl… I just don't think… this was the rebound girl, Derek, and you know you never wind up having anything serious with a rebound girl… and you shouldn't be stringing her along either, you know how I feel about that!"_

At this point her heard her sigh and he did the same himself.

"_Please, Derek, figure this out. I'll let you know right now I don't approve of the age difference between you, or the fact that you left Addie for her. I want you to be happy, but really… perhaps if you bring her with you at Christmas… oh, I don't know. Just please, make some sort of decision about her soon. I love you!"_

The message ended and _that_ was when he slammed his phone shut, anger coursing through his veins, at his mother, and at Kathleen for telling her everything in the first place.

What was so hard to understand? He loved Meredith, she wasn't the rebound girl. He would… they had a future together, he could sense it, and he knew she sensed it too. It was a silent understanding they had between the two of them. Sure it was a little rough, especially… especially at times like this. But they'd get through it. If they could get through the possible pregnancy, then they could get through whatever the hell this was.

Couldn't they?

_Storm is calming, but I don't mind. People are dying, I close my blinds. All that I know is I'm breathing. I want to change the world, instead I sleep. I want to believe in more than you and me. All that I know is I'm breathing. All I can do is keep breathing._

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_**So once again, sorry for the wait. I'll try to have the next chapter up sooner, but I'm not making promises, because I have the sixth chapter of MTGOF ready, and I'm finishing the seventh as we speak. I also have most of the first chapter written of this new fic I'm planning, called **__**It's Not Over**__** and I'm excited for it… I also might write a Maddison story soon, just cause I'm sad about her leaving the show.**_

_**Anyway, not much happened this chapter. Well, actually stuff did happen. We see Mer and Der pondering about their relationship, and the need for sex when something goes wrong (something that they always do in this story… cause instead of sleeping with inappropriate men in my story, Mer sleeps with one very appropriate man, all the freaking time) and Mer is wondering about her selfishness, and Derek is… Derek. And then he gets those phone calls and well…. Yeah. So a lot of stuff kind of did happen here, but everything is very subtle. It doesn't seem important at this point, but is. Kind of yeah. **_

_**And yeah… this whole pondering the state of their relationship thing was probably another reason f or my last posting. Sorry!!**_

_**I think that's about it for now! Thanks for reading and please review!**_

_**Ta-ta for now!**_


	25. Chapter 25

_**Disclaimer: Season Four. It's coming. As scheduled. This update? It so did not come as scheduled. So in this way, Shonda and all the writers over there are much better than me… although we knew that already… haha. **_

Cristina Yang was very upset with herself. Not in the have a mental breakdown way, more in the hate-yourself-if-you-regret-this-later kind of way. There was a great battle that was going on in her head, and every five seconds she was tugged in either direction, determined to do one thing before switching gears and deciding not to do it at all.

She'd gotten home that day and found Meredith in bed, lethargic and unwilling to eat. She'd rolled her eyes at this as it was Meredith. She didn't turn down food, at least not for very long. So Cristina had gone about her usual routine, but by the time the time she was on her second slice of pizza, she'd actually started to… worry. The thought made her cringe, but pizza was usually the one thing that Meredith responded to. Even Cristina had to say that it smelled better than usual.

"Meredith?" Cristina waved a hand in front of her friend's face. "Meredith have you gone mental?" she asked louder this time.

Meredith's eyes snapped towards her friend, giving her a glare. "I have not gone mental," she said firmly.

"Did you tell McDreamy about your mother?"

But she refused to give any response.

Cristina ran a hand over her face, a weary expression on her face. "Did something happen with McDreamy?"

Meredith paused before sitting up slightly in the bed, resting on her elbow.

"How do you know if you love someone, if you _really_ love someone?"

Cristina blinked at her, confusion written on her face. "Pardon?"

"I mean… think about it! How do I know that I actually love Derek? I haven't known him for more than a few months. I screwed him at… well, _after_, a party, he tried to get me into bed with him again, he has a girlfriend that I didn't even know about… how do I know that I actually love him?"

Cristina stared at her incredulously. "Are you kidding me? You two are like… sickening!" she exclaimed, finding no better word, disgust written on her face.

"But—"

"Look, where is this coming from? Did you find out that he has some… super secret job of selling china dolls full of cocaine or something?" she asked.

Meredith bit her lip, deep in thought for a moment. "What if it's only about the sex?"

"Mer—"

"No, seriously, what if I'm only with him to get a good fuck? What if… what if every time I say I love you I'm saying it to the sex?"

Cristina snorted with laughter. "Mer, seriously, you're not saying I love you to the sex. He's good, but he's not that good,"

Meredith narrowed her eyes at Cristina. "How would you know he's good?"

Cristina rolled her eyes.

"Uh, hello? I live with you in this tiny little dorm. I'm sure the whole place hears you two going at it. Why do you think I never interrupt you, I can hear you all the way down the hall!" Meredith blushed at this. "Plus, he looks like he'd be good."

Meredith flopped onto her back again.

"I just… I can't be sure…" she whispered. "Everything happened so fast… it's not supposed to be like this is it? I mean… how typical is this?" she continued. "Girl meets boy, boy kisses girl, girl and boy fuck each other senseless—"

"Mer, we know the story already," Cristina rolled her eyes.

Meredith paused and bit her lip slightly. "Right… sorry." She sighed. "Aren't… people in relationships, aren't they supposed to be able to share things easily? Isn't everything just kind of supposed to spill out and then they talk and then everything is either okay… it's supposed to be all 'we'll get through this together,' or 'I can't take this I'm dumping your sorry dark and twisty ass and we can go back to pretending like this never happened,' right?" she asked, turning her wide, questioning eyes on Cristina.

Cristina studied her friend. For one moment she just wanted her to tell her to fuck off if she was being so stupid, she had a test to study for and she didn't need to hear about her whining. But the look in Meredith's eyes was completely desperate….

Cristina sighed and fixed Meredith with a semi-glare.

"A) Where the fuck are you living? That doesn't happen unless you live in Barbie-Ville. And B) Say that the whole happily ever after thing really did work out… to make that remotely possible you'd actually need to be doing some talking in order to get to the everything's going to be okay part. And so far, you haven't done that," Cristina stated, pointing out the obvious… obvious to everyone but Meredith that is.

"My advice? Let down your walls Mer. Because even though you put them up to see who loves you enough to climb over… pretty soon they're going to be so overwhelmed with hate towards the stone that's tearing away at their skin that they won't be able to climb anymore," Cristina said, her voice taking on an uncharacteristically softer tone as she spoke.

Meredith swallowed a little and looked away again. Some part of her could see that Cristina was right… but how do you tear down a nearly nineteen year old wall?

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He missed her. He was angry and confused and sad and desperate, but Derek Shepherd missed his small framed, blonde haired, ineffectual fisted, adorable when giggling, sexy as all hell, rambling a mile a minute girlfriend.

He sat in the chair at his desk that he had in his makeshift "office" - which was really nothing more than a desk, chair and a few other necessities, shoved into a corner of his bedroom, but for now it was his office – and put his head in his hands, closing his eyes as he did so. Just a week ago... hell, even a few days ago they had been completely happy. A small smile curved its way onto his face as he thought about what could be happening right at that very moment if they weren't being the way they were….

She'd be in his lap, wearing nothing but her panties and one of his button down shirts… she always looked so sexy in his shirts, but the button downs especially. Maybe he liked them because he could have her undressed as soon as she was dressed without her knowledge; a couple of skillful flicks of his fingers and the buttons would be gone, and he'd have free reign of her body once again.

She'd gasp and try to scold him, maybe try to re-button the shirt. But he'd merely grin wickedly at her before his lips would attack her neck, mouth, chest… everywhere. She'd moan and continue her pathetic attempts at getting him to stop but after awhile he'd drive them both so crazy with passion that she'd give in and let him have naughty way with her, right there in the chair or maybe even on the desk.

Images – extremely graphic images – flooded his mind as the thoughts ran through his head. He remembered the sound of her moaning and crying and whimpering and begging him for more… a time when her voice, when their voices weren't laced with unhappiness and something else, something that let you know that you were just being used for something in that moment.

Hardness grew between his legs and he groaned; now was definitely not the time to become aroused, especially when said whimpering, screaming, hot and sexy girlfriend was nowhere to be found and he wouldn't want her anyway. He wanted his real girlfriend, not this shell of a person who kept secrets and used him for sex as if nothing had happened between them.

He sat there for a moment, contemplating in his head before finally he shot out of his chair, grabbed his keys and left his apartment in a flash.

He loved her. Derek Shepherd loved Meredith Grey. He was in this, he was in this for… ever. He didn't know what it would take to show her or even how long it would take for it to get through to her, but he just had to tell her something.

He got into his car as soon as he arrived outside and he drove the familiar way to the campus dorms. He parked and got out, making his way up to the door of the main building, his heart pounding more and more with each step he took.

"Please let her love me enough to make this work," he muttered to himself.

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There was a knock at the door and Cristina got up after noticing that Meredith wasn't going to do anything. She pulled it open with a giant yank and her eyebrows shot up slightly when she saw him standing there.

"Oh… hi," she greeted him.

Mark nodded to her, not wearing his usual grin. Word had gotten around about Derek and Meredith and since Derek wouldn't talk to him he had to talk to somebody about it.

"Is she in here?"

"I'm right here Mark," she said softly from her bed. His blue-gray eyes darted to the bed and they narrowed in disapproval.

"Grey, what the hell is going on?" he asked, moving past Cristina and sitting down next to Meredith. Cristina leaned in the doorway and watched the pair casually.

"What do you mean what's going on, I used my boyfriend for sex like the toy that he is, or at least should have been the first night we met and now things are just completely fucked up but I have a feeling they were before that anyway," she said, her voice getting higher on certain words to accent her points, and by the end of her speech she was breathless.

"Ok… that's interesting… but I'm talking about your health. And Derek's health because what you're doing to him is just not good, but mainly your health. When you first met him you were normal looking. Then everything happened and you were barely anything. Something else happened and you two were so sickeningly in love I had to carry a bucket around with me if I had a class with him because it was radiating off him. Now you're back to where you were and it's only been what… three days at most?" he asked.

"Mark," she sighed.

"Mark nothing! And Derek looks like crap too, I've seen both of you walking around today and you're mirror images, except you're a lot skinnier than he is," Mark said.

During this whole speech Meredith had been looking elsewhere, but now Mark leaned in closer and she found herself drawn to his eyes. She nearly gasped at the look he was giving her; his brows were furrowed and the blue-gray orbs were narrowed at her and he was scrutinizing her. He seemed to be boring a hole into her very soul, something that only Derek could do usually. It was alarming that he could read her this way and she wanted to turn her head away as if it would take away whatever power he had, but she just could not break the gaze.

"Now the real question is… what the fuck could have happened that would get you two so upset, so torn apart, so quickly?" he asked, his voice low and inquisitive as if he were asking the question to himself more than her.

Her eyes flickered across his face and she swallowed, finally moving her gaze from his. She sat up quickly, bracing herself with her hands.

"Nothing… just some things and we both… things," she said quickly, still not meeting Mark's gaze.

He looked at her a bit more before a light bulb went off in his head. His back straightened up and he swore.

"Shit. Neither of you know," he said. He'd seen this happen before with Derek's relationships. Something happened, the girl always kept something from him and then he wouldn't say anything and then everything would blow up in his face and they'd break up and neither one would know the real reason for anything.

"No, we… I do know I just don't…"

The sound of a throat clearing broke them up. Meredith knew that sound. She turned her head quickly, her wide eyes meeting the sad yet cold eyes of her boyfriend.

"Derek," she said softly, her voice fading on the last few letters of his name.

"Meredith," he greeted her, his tone soft and comforting in a way. His eyes had softened slightly as they fell on her and they were then filled with sadness and confusion and desperation. When he turned his eyes on Mark, however, they changed.

"Mark," he said in a clipped voice.

"Derek," he repeated.

"Hi! I'm Cristina!" Cristina piped up in a falsely cheery voice before rolling her eyes. "Now that we know everyone's names--"

"Cristina," Meredith warned.

All four occupants of the room looked at one another, their gazes changing fro person to person.

Mark stood up finally and began to walk towards the door. "I'll see you around Mer," he said.

"Bye Mark," she said softly.

On his way out Mark brushed by Derek and leaned in to growl in his ear, "Don't fuck this up, Shep. Learn from your mistakes," he said.

Derek turned his head to shoot a glare at Mark but before he could, the man-in-leather had already disappeared down the hallway.

He turned his gaze instead back to Meredith. He felt his heart wrench; it had been no more than around forty-eight hours since everything had started to fall apart. She was fine and now she was….

"I… I need to talk with you…" he started, glancing towards Cristina. "Alone," he added.

Cristina looked back and forth between them. Honestly she was sick of having to leave her dorm for them but Meredith didn't look like she was getting out of the bed anytime soon. She let out a long sigh before speaking.

"Fine," she said, dragging the word out as she walked out of the door. She slammed it shut behind her and Derek turned back to look at Meredith. They stayed there in silence for awhile.

"I'm sorry," they both said at the same time.

"Der, I--"

"No, listen, Mer," he said. He walked further into the room and began to pace, running his fingers through his hair.

"I just… I don't keep secrets Mer. You ask me something, anything, and I tell you, always. You wanted to know about my family and I told you, and yet… when I ask you about yours…" he trailed off, frustrated.

"I get that you need time, but…" he paused. This part was unplanned. He hadn't expected these types of feelings to come forth.

"But there's only so much time I can give you," he said quietly.

Meredith's breath hitched in her throat. Her eyes widened, stained with tears that wouldn't fall and she watched him. Neither of them said anything. They just… waited.

_You still can't make me cry  
You've pinned this butterfly  
Down  
My fire's burning out  
Kill my flame without  
A frown  
And starving hurts the soul  
When you're hungry for  
Some love  
So if I close my eyes  
I can really fly  
Above_

GAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGA

_**I can't even begin to apologize for how long this has taken. So I won't. Because hopefully, most of you understand what a pain in the ass real life can be… it really did me no favors this summer and until I get my schedule back on track it won't… so unfortunately I can't promise frequent updates, but I'll try not to let it run this long… of course, I have other fics to update too so…. But yeah, I'll definitely try to do what I can. **_

_**Thank you so much to those of you who have asked about this fic! It meant the world to me to know that it was not forgotten! This chapter's dedicated to you… and while it may not seem the ideal chapter to have dedicated to you… it's a chapter. Haha. **_

_**I will explain more about this chapter, this story, and my leave of absence in my blog. Which I shall be writing in soonish. I'll also talk about those incredible deleted scenes that should have been included with EVERY Season Three DVD set. **_

_**Thanks again so much to everyone who has read/is reading/will read this story. **_

_**Please review although I'd understand if you didn't after I've made you wait so long. **_

_**xoxo**_


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